50+ Hilariously Cheesy Pick-Up Lines Thought Catalog

So then 77. Time to figure out what happened to our pretty little unicorn not so much dancing anymore. Not to mention the capital trio's game plan. Hopefully, you will enjoy it.
The editing duo has been hard at work so I can concentrate on writing, why exactly they have agreed to this I still don't know. but I certainly love it and I hope you do too. With that let's jump in to so what the fuck is going on.
ko-fi For having a pretty picture commissioned.
Sapphire
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Chapter 77: That Can’t be Good
“Hey look, Saph, they have little figurines,” Balethon said from one of the market-stands. The three of them had been browsing around for a bit looking for anything interesting. Sapphire didn’t know if she had been spoiled by Tom, but she couldn’t find much she wanted and what she did want was way too expensive. The figurines Balethon had found were rather cute though. There were dragons, unicorns, even vargulfs and a pjeltor.
Sapphire picked up the disgusting looking thing. ‘why does it have to have that many eyes? and all those legs are just unnecessary.’ All in all it gave her the creeps as she put it back. No way that thing was going on a shelf in her room.
She had settled on wanting that small painting though, but as of yet hadn’t found someone who had one she liked. She was also yet to find any books, though the lack of them at the marketplace would suggest they were well out of her price range, just as she had feared.
They had already swung by the academy to see about getting that appointment. Sapphire had been a little surprised Lady Ishani couldn't squeeze them in for another four days, but that at least gave the scouting team plenty of time to make it back.
“What about a hunting knife for Tom?” Balethon asked, having already moved on to the next stand where Dakota was, as Sapphire stood admiring the figures.
Dakota picked up one of the merchant's blades to inspect. “Shiva can make it better and cheaper,” she went, not paying the offended looking merchant any mind. “Might be back later for that though, very nice engraving,” she continued, pointing to a halberd hanging on the rear wall of the stall.
Sapphire moved over for a look. It was definitely a finely made weapon. “Think Tom could swing it?” Dakota questioned looking to Sapphire.
“Sure, he could, but would he like it?”
“Like it?!” The merchant broke out, clearly fed up with them insulting his stuff. “This here is no mere lump of metal, it’s the finest steel money can buy. No self-respecting individual wouldn’t want this by his side.”
“Still only steel though,” Dakota replied. Sapphire wasn’t sure irritating the merchant was the best strategy if Dakota wanted it, but what did she know?
“You ain’t gonna find mithril out here lassy. That stuff is locked away where it’s nice and safe. Not that you could afford such a weapon.”
“Out of curiosity, what would such a fine weapon cost me?” Okay, Sapphire guessed Dakota was actually bartering rather than just insulting the man then.
“I take twenty-five gold for a mithril blade.”
“Good to know. I might be in touch,” she went, walking off. Sapphire and Balethon turning to follow.
“What was that about?” Sapphire asked as they walked.
“We might be doing some heavy shopping. I wanna know where the good stuff is, of course, and he didn't have it.”
“What are we looking for?” Balethon asked.
“A proper mithril smith, Tom wanted some ingots for a project. And a proper mithril sword is at least fifty, and that's not even a great one.”
Sapphire and Balethon just looked at each other for a second. ‘I guess she's expecting a lot from those drawings then,’ Sapphire concluded to herself.
“Now let's have a look at the list. We need an alchemist, an inventor, quotations mark ‘not the crazy kind,’ whatever that means… paper... linseed oil, okay that should be easy… Sapphire, can you remember why he wanted porcelain clay… where do you even get that?”
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Kalestine had been given some time to come to her senses, the bleeding having been staunched and her thirst slaked. She was still clearly incredibly weak though.
“Mind telling us what’s going on?” Tom tried again.
“Went to help the cutest little deer,” Kalestine finally replied, though she appeared to be struggling quite a bit. “It was hurt and left behind… I called him Bemy. When I arrived… some big bastard thing hit me in the face and broke my beautiful horn!” She descended back into the distressed whinnying, which Tom guessed was either crying or some kind of tantrum.
“Broke your horn? Just like that?” Tom questioned incredulously. The dragonettes had told him stories of just how powerful a unicorn was supposed to be. And something just fucking broke her horn like that?!
“It’s slapped me through a tree damn you.” Yeah okay that sounded bad. “Such a fine oak too.” She continued.
‘Da fuck is wrong with you?’ Tom thought to himself. Slapped through a tree and she was more worried about the tree. Her head turned towards him as she let out a snort. ‘Oh right, sorry’
“What of the keep? Do you know if they are okay?” Zarko tried, crouching down in front of Kalestine.
“I don’t know… I can’t hear it… my beautiful forest… so silent.” god good she sounded miserable.
Tom poked Unkai and tried to convey, “The fuck does that mean?” through facial expressions. Unkai responded with a distressed-looking shrug and shake of the head.
“I think it’s the horn,” Jackalope stated, looking at the two of them. “No need to be sneaky, she can hear your thoughts.” Right, he really needed to get used to this.
“So there are bad guys around, you are very injured, and we have two keeps to scout, both quite likely in trouble. Where were you attacked?” Zarko tried again, clearly getting a little irritated by the lack of a useful response.
“I don’t know. I went blindly.”
“Like a blind jump?” Tom questioned. “You didn’t know where you were going?”
“Didn’t go far, I can’t hear the forest. I didn't know where to go.”
“Right, so they are around here somewhere. Either we hide her or we bring her, your call,” Tom went, looking to Zarko and Jarix, who had trotted up behind her.
“She needs to rest,” Unkai interjected. “I say we hide her.”
“Well, they do like to run,” Jarix added, looking down at them. Tom felt a little bit of cold indignation in the back of his mind. Kalestine didn’t say anything though.
“So do we if we find anything today, big boy,” Zarko responded. “We have work to do. Me, Tom and Jackalope will go to the keep. You two stay here with her, make her a hiding place.”
“Right let’s go then,” Jackalope went, sounding enthusiastic, though she was looking rather worriedly at Kalestine.
They had taken to the wing, Tom being juggled back and forth as per usual and ending up on Jackalope’s back as they made for the keep through the trees. It shouldn’t be far despite their unexpected early stop.
“We stick to the plan,” Tom went as they weaved effortlessly through the large trees.
“Yup. Go in on foot, let you get close enough to see things, then run like hell if they see us.”
“Right on.”
It was a few minutes before the trees began thinning out and Jackalope went in to land. Tom jumped off, giving her a knuckle knock on the shoulder for good luck. Zarko putting down beside them.
“Right then, you stay behind me 10 meters minimum but keep an eye on me. If I run, wait for me to catch up,” Tom went, looking at the two of them unslinging his rifle and making sure it was loaded. “Here we go.”
He changed his cape to get as close to the forest floor as he could get and moved crouched down low. He could hear the two dragonettes following behind him, making a lot more noise than he would have liked. He guessed they weren't really used to this sneaky thing yet. It was still a minute or two on foot to the edge of the trees where he could see through into open terrain. In front of him was a small valley. On the far side, a fair way to his left, stood a small keep.
More precisely, the ruins of a small keep. ‘Fuck me,’ he thought to himself, bringing up the rifle to have a closer look. It was a bit squatter than Bizmati Keep and slightly smaller, but definitely a keep. It looked like the walls still stood like nothing was wrong, but the stone was scorched and most of the woodwork was either gone or charred to oblivion.
As he scanned around there was no sign of life. The animal pens were empty, though most of the exterior buildings appeared unharmed. The smoke they had thought was from a chimney was trailing up from the keep itself, so something was still smoldering inside.
He sat there scanning for a minute or two without spotting anything before he brought up his hand, gesturing the girls forward. Both of them slowly making their way up to him.
“Holy shit,” Jackalope let out, trying to be hushed but failing, quite badly. Not that it mattered at this range, nor did Tom blame her.
“Not much to save there,” Zarko added, sounding a bit too indifferent for Tom's taste. That had been the home of around twenty people and kids, if Nunuk was right.
“No, there isn’t,” he retorted, in a dark tone. “There's still smoke, so it happened recently. Can’t see anything moving, so I want a closer look.”
“What if they are hiding like last time?” Jackalope questioned, clearly not too thrilled with the prospect of going inside.
“Then we flush them out. You got that grenade for a reason.” Tom went patting her on the hip.
“Let’s go get the boys, then I say we start with a fly-by, they might just come crawling out of there.” Tom didn’t like the mental picture of darklings crawling out of the burnt down keep. He had to agree that a fly-by was probably a better idea than simply walking over there though.
They had returned in silence. This was the worst-case scenario pretty much. Now only the possibility of survivors remained. Jackalope was quite on the way back, Tom did his best to give her a hug as they flew. This was bound to hit very close to home for her after all. “You okay?”
“I'm fine... this happens” Yeah she wasn’t
“It really shouldn’t”
“No, but it does” She responded coldly. Tom elected to not pursue it any further. Instead trying to imitate that nuzzling thing they did, Which did get him a sad chuckle from her as they flew.
Unkai and Jarix had managed to put together a small shelter by propping up some large branches against a tree. Kalestine had barely been able to get to her feet to walk over there, even with all of them helping her stay on her feet. She had refused the offer to have Jarix just pick her up though, so some pride remained.
“You will be okay, right?” Unkai questioned worriedly. He had asked to be left behind being denied by both Tom and Zarko. Tom was hoping Kalestine wouldn’t be his last patient today, and Zarko was worried about leading the darklings back here if they returned.
“I’ll be fine at some point, not my first injury,” Kalestine replied, seemingly a lot calmer, not to mention more respectful, towards Unkai. “But it was my first horn,” She continued, her voice cracking and switching into a kid ready to bawl. Tom was perhaps being a little hard on her; she had been messed up bad after all. If she said she would be fine then that was all he needed to hear. They had shit to do after all.
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“Sure, I have made the odd useful item here and there. Mostly I make my automatic horn polishing machines. They are all the rage these days.”
As Sapphire looked around the very empty looking shop/workshop she was currently standing in she seriously doubted that. Still, this was pretty much the only guy they had found this far with a hope in hell of making Tom’s inventions, and he was a part of the city’s engineering guild. So far they had spent pretty much the whole day going from workshop to workshop. Everyone they had found had done large scale stuff like cranes, siege engines, and construction. This guy though seemed to have a knack for small stuff.
“I also made a wind-powered rotary washing line, so it will spin round when drying inside for quicker drying.”
“Why not just put the washing outside?” Dakota question, clearly not sold on the idea.
“What if it’s raining, huh? Didn’t think of that did you?” The slightly decrepit looking older man went.
Though his appearance was messy, Sapphire didn’t get the feeling he was necessarily poor. Looking around she could see plenty of expensive things, so she guessed he was the type that put it all into his work rather than himself.
“Well, mister Tink,” Sapphire shook her head a bit, she still didn’t believe that was his actual name. He had insisted though, so fuck it. “We don’t actually want you to invent anything. We want you to make our invention. Before I show you, you will have to sign here,” she went, placing the piece of parchment on the table. “This is called a nondisclosure agreement.”
“What does that do?” Tink asked, seemingly a little unwilling to sign something he didn't know what was. ‘Has some common sense then,’ Sapphire thought to herself as she watched.
“It means you can’t go blabbing about what we are about to show you. Not that you would want to of course. You will want to keep these things between us, so you get to make them. Sanctioned by the guild of course.”
Tink picked up the quill, signing the parchment “Oh sure, nobody wants my designs anyway. They say they are too complicated to build. I say polliwog to that.” Sapphire glanced at Balethon for a second, who just shrugged clearly not knowing what that was either. “What have you got in mind for little old me?”
Sapphire looked to Dakota, who cracked a bit of a smile. “Well, mister Tink. These,” she went, pulling up the satchel and taking out the designs for the lighter, pencil, and compass. “This is a fire starter; a flick of the finger and your torch, pipe, candle, or whatever is lit. That is a writing implement that doesn't need ink, doesn't dry out, and can be kept in your pocket. And that is a small dial that always points north for navigation, using something called a naggnet,” Dakota went, standing back up crossing her arms, looking very pleased with herself.
Looking back, Sapphire should maybe have been standing by to catch the inventor as he hit the floor.
“Ooh, ouch,” Balethon went as Tink’s head bounced off the table on the way down. Sapphire just grimaced.
“My bad,” Tink junior went, walking over to his old man. The young apprentice looked to be in a lot better shape than his father, though he was still covered in a disconcerting amount of black smudges and oil. Sapphire helped to drag Tink into a chair as Junior went to get some water.
“I think that’s a sell,” Sapphire went, looking back at Dakota who looked like she felt a little bad about that.
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“Do we need the flag?” Jarix questioned as they were climbing up over the forest away from the keep. If there were enemy lookouts they didn’t want to be spotted until they had a sizable speed and altitude advantage.
“Yeah, I’ll go get it out,” Zarko replied as she clambered down the harness on to Jarix’s belly. “Got it,” she went as Tom heard the weight line drop. It was a rather simple system. A lead weight on a rope with a flag attached towards the bottom. So they now had a nice big flag fluttering in the wind beneath them. If there were friendlies down there, they wanted the flag to avoid a repeat of what had nearly happened when Lady Flaxen came in.
When the altitude was deemed sufficient, Jarix swung around still climbing, heading towards the keep. They would come diving down on top of it, hopefully provoking anyone inside to give chase. They were obviously betting on the darklings being dumb enough to do so, which Zarko seemed to believe they would be. Unless someone was telling them what to do.
“What, they can’t think or what?”
“Oh, they can think alright. They just can’t disobey and order. Imagine sending a squad of soldiers out for a week with only one set of orders. You are gonna make them pretty broad, aren’t you?”
“I’m mean sure.”
“So if they have been told to defend the keep, they will come after us if they think we are a threat to the keep,” she stated, clearly finding it obvious.
“Boom time?” Jarix questioned excitedly.
“Just don’t hit the keep, go for the ground near it that should do,” Zarko responded. “And only a little one, save it for later might need it.”
“Roger that,” Jarix responded. Jackalope poked Tom on the shoulder as she leaned over.
“What was it like to be on him when he did it last time?”
“It made the hair on my neck stand on end,” Tom responded, not figuring out the problem until he saw Jackalope's slightly confused expression. Then she grabbed him, bending him over forward to inspect the back of his neck.
“Ohhh, they’re so cute! Look Zarko, he has like little baby hairs back here.” Tom wasn’t entirely sure how best to react to this situation, so he just went with it. Her stroking the back of his neck was actually kinda nice, even if his current position was a little uncomfortable.
“Sure do,” he responded, accepting his fate. It almost reminded him of when he had first come here and they had taken turns to play with his hair.
Unkai had then come over to join in, which was a little less okay with Tom.
“What are those for?” The healer questioned. Tom sat back up. “No clue, but they can feel when there is electricity in the air, so that’s cool.”
“Wait, didn’t you say electricity was just weak lightning?” Jackalope questioned.
“Yupp.”
“You can feel lightning?” Zarko questioned. “Not just hear it?”
“Yes, I feel it all over. Neck hairs are just the most sensitive.”
“You are fucking strange you know that, right?” Zarko continued.
“He’s awesome, you’re just jealous,” Jackalope responded, clasping her arms around Tom, dragging him into an embrace.
“Nah, girl, you do you. Ready to dive yet, big boy?”
“Sure this should do, hang on.”
Well, for once Tom felt very secure as Jackalope didn’t let go of him, her feet instead clasping onto the hand… foot holds?... Handles. Clasping onto the handles. The dive wasn’t anywhere near as steep as what they had done before. Jarix did pick up a considerable amount of speed though. Tom made sure to tighten his goggles, just in case. Tom was almost worried Jackalope would let go to put her arms in the air. She held on tight though, perhaps a little too tight but he wasn’t complaining.
They eventually leveled out with the keep dead ahead. Tom felt the hairs on his neck and arms stand on end as the very recognizable whine of Jarix preparing to fire filled the air, followed by a sharp crack as the beam shot down towards the ground, impacting near the base of the keep in a shower of sparks and tendrils of lightning.
Jarix pulled up, going left of the keep, wingtip coming within a few meters of it. As they climbed away all looking back down towards the keep getting smaller behind them, but nothing happened.
“Well that is both good and bad,” Zarko then went. “I guess we are landing then. Go down and circle the keep for a bit, then come in for a landing. I’ll get the flag back in”
“Roger that,” Jarix replied, banking over to dive back down the way they came. As they circled the keep, there wasn’t a soul to be seen. Not even a scared animal fleeing. It was just dead. They kept circling for a few minutes, eventually setting down in a grassy meadow outside of all the smaller buildings.
“You stay at the edge, big guy, ready to go airborne right away. Tom, you stay up here,” Zarko ordered. Tom didn’t have a problem with that plan. If they needed to get out in a hurry the last thing they needed was to have him along to worry about.
“Yes ma’am. Remember Jacky, finger off the trigger till it’s time,” he went looking at Jackalope who was getting out the revolver.
“Locked and loaded,” She replied. Cheesy as that was Tom didn’t smile; this was not a funny situation. Instead, he just nodded at her. “Be careful okay, an arrow to the neck and you’re dead no matter how awesome you are.”
“I’ll be careful I promise,” she replied, jumping off.
“Do I get some words of encouragement?” Zarko questioned, clearly directing her question at Jarix.
“Uhhm... shoot first and don't get shot.”
“Thanks, big guy,” She replied, jumping off too.
“Well fuck me I guess” It came from Unkai after a bit of a wait, sounding like he was trying to seem cool.
“Good luck,” Tom went without taking his eye off the keep.
Zarko was carrying one of the crossbows, Unkai a sword and shield, and Jackalope had the revolver as well as a nasty looking warhammer by her side. All in all, they were ready for a fight, even if there were just three of them.
“Looks like we are on overwatch then, Jarix,” Tom went, getting the rifle ready.
“Good, that sounds so much cooler than lookout,” Jarix responded, walking up to the edge of the buildings.
“We aren't here to be cool. This is a grave Jarix. And a lost home.” Jarix didn’t respond, but Tom did feel the dragon sag a bit. “I’m sorry, let’s just get everyone home safe okay.”
“No, you’re right, I’m here to prevent this… not clean up the mess.”
“Hey, we didn’t know, nothing we could have done. So we go one step at a time. Right now we need to know if someone made it”
“Roger that,” Jarix replied, clearly not letting go of the notion entirely. Tom couldn’t blame him for it. At least there weren't any bodies to look at.
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So.. A smashed Unicorn, A ruined keep, a crazy inventor, and big plans from Dakota. Is it all getting a bit much or is it exciting? Do let me know down below.
Until next time have an awesome day.
​
ko-fi For having a pretty picture commissioned.
Sapphire
Wiki
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CHRISTMAS SPECIAL - LAST CHRISTMAS - 9/10
We had so many Christmas specials in concession for a while when they kept splitting up the episodes that it feels like it’s been ages since the last one. It’s Peter Capaldi’s first real Christmas special as the Doctor, Clara is still around and Santa Claus has landed on her roof. Nick Frost is brilliantly silly as Santa and it’s a funny contrast with the Doctor’s cynicism, like how he refused to believe Robin Hood was really real. Clara rejoins the Doctor for an adventure to the North Pole where a space station has been invaded by Face Huggers, monsters that put you into a dream whilst they eat your brain. They have a super creepy beetle-like design and feel kind of similar to the beetle from “Turn Left” with the clicky noise they make and the dreamworld they put you in.
Since the backdrop of the episode is the Doctor and Clara lying to each other about finding happiness whilst actually being alone and sad, it was inevitable that Clara would get put into a dreamworld by one of the Face Huggers. We get a final appearance of Danny though just as an idealised version of Clara's imagination. The bit with Clara and the chalk board was very creepy, the sound editing was really great with the faint sound of the Doctor saying the words as they appeared. The lighting in this episode was also really beautiful, from Clara’s Christmas decorated house to the cold clinical space station.
It’s a very Inception-based episode and I guessed quite early the space station was a dream itself. The sad moment of realisation when reading the textbooks being inter-cut with Santa Claus saying weird stuff like calling himself “sweet papa Crimbo” feels like something that shouldn’t work but just does and I can’t really explain why. Maybe just because Nick Frost feels like he was meant to play this part (I mean he is called Nick Frost!) Santa rides everyone around on his sleigh, and even the Doctor is smiling and laughing and having a go at riding it. It felt so weird to see him smiling I thought it was gonna be a whole other dream. The little tidbit of the Doctor waking up on a volcano planet not getting an explanation was funny, just one of the things he does when Clara’s not around.
The Doctor makes it back to save Clara but she’s been sleeping for 60 years and is now an old lady. It’s like the opposite of “The Girl Who Waited” in Clara’s acceptance. I think it’s interesting how Amy had a sort of blind love and admiration for the Doctor yet got the most angry with him, whereas Clara is much more pragmatic and cynical with the Doctor but takes his perspective into account much more. The whole moment with the Doctor and old Clara saying goodbye was very sweet and felt like Clara’s end, but then it was all another dream and she got to run off with him again. As they’re leaving a tangerine is waiting on the windowsill. Does that mean they’re still in a dream or just that Santa Claus is actually real? I like to believe the latter.
EPISODE 1 - THE MAGICIAN’S APPRENTICE - 8/10
Clara’s staying, but she’s still balancing Doctor life with school teaching life. The Doctor seems to be having little adventures of his own whilst she’s away, and in one of them ends up trying to save a little boy stuck in a hand mine. The hands coming out of the ground are unnerving, but the eyes on them make them a little less scary and more silly. The whole location of the battlefield is designed really well, they get the atmosphere really right. Then the little boy telling the Doctor his name is Davros, I really wasn’t expecting that!
All the planes in the sky have frozen and it’s all a lure from Missy to recruit Clara. I love her reintroduction through “Hey Missy”. I’m not sure if it’s just the planes that are frozen or the people inside are too, honestly I think it would be kinder if they were frozen too - imagine being conscious and moving around in a plane frozen still with no way out and not knowing if it could just fall from the sky at any moment. I guess it’s very in-keeping with the Master to do something so silly just to get someone’s attention.
The Doctor plays the electric guitar in case anyone was in any doubt that Peter Capaldi is cool. I loved Missy getting upset at the Doctor calling Davros his arch enemy. It’s interesting how they’re building up Missy to join the Doctor’s side because I don’t really believe it at all. I am loving Missy’s interactions with Clara - it’s really testing Clara’s teaching skills having to look after the naughtiest student. I loved the reveal that they were on Skaro, the music in that moment was outstanding. I like the design of everything being white and feeling very retro and reminiscent of the TARDIS design from the classic series. It’s an interesting moral dilemma to end on, especially as the series opener. The Doctor seems a lot more reckless the more time he spends with Clara, they often seem to bring out the worst in each other. Clearly Clara and Missy aren't’ dead, my guess is a teleport like the one from “The Parting of the Ways” when Rose was teleported onto the Daleks ship during the Weakest Link.
EPISODE 2 - THE WITCH’S FAMILIAR - 9/10
Clara is forced to spend the episode as Missy’s companion, and Missy and the Doctor have very different ideas about companionship. I like that they both have an innate need to show off how smart they are by explaining everything to her like a Bond villain. Missy’s treatment of Clara is played for comedy, and it is funny like the bit when she pushes her down the hole to check how deep it is, but it says a lot about Clara that even though she sees herself as brave and reckless she still wouldn’t dare go it alone.
The Doctor steals Davros’s chair and the image of his half body lying helplessly on the floor is really disturbing and I found myself feeling sorry for him as if he’s not an evil mastermind who commits genocide. The conversation between the Doctor and Davros where the Doctor agrees to help him is delivered brilliantly by Peter Capaldi and Julian Bleach that even though I guessed Davros would betray him it was still heartbreaking. Julian Bleach did a fantastic job of conveying so much emotion through heavy prosthetics.
Missy converting Clara into a Dalek was a nice callback to when she was Oswin in “Asylum of the Daleks”. The Doctor’s confrontation with Dalek Clara just after he’s been betrayed by Davros, coupled with Missy’s insistence in killing her, was really heartbreaking. Jenna Coleman does a great job this episode playing the quiet role, in an episode filled with big characters and performances, she doesn’t ham it up and try to match them but keeps it quiet and real and elevates a very heartbreaking moment. It’s moments like this which remind us we’re not actually supposed to root for Missy despite how entertaining she is. Then we end by returning to the battlefield and the Doctor saving little boy Davros, thus cementing him as a morally sound character. It’s an interesting note that during a story that focuses on three massive characters, the Doctor, Missy and Davros, what eventually separates the Doctor from them is that he will always remain a good person despite what he’s been through.
EPISODE 3 - UNDER THE LAKE - 9/10
The Doctor and Clara turn up on an underwater base in typical Doctor Who fashion. I adored the shot when the TARDIS landed and you could see inside the TARDIS through the open door. The show has come a LONG way since the graphics in “Rose”. Then they come across some ghosts - I like the design of the typically slightly see-through and floating quality ghosts. The ghosts lead them to a ship with markings on the wall and it seems the ghosts are only able to harm you once you’ve seen it, sort of like the videotape from “The Ring”.
The Doctor and Clara join the team working on the base and we get an excellent crew of supporting characters that have just enough individuality without being overdeveloped and distracting. I particularly like Cass (a deaf actor playing a deaf character - amazing) because she’s written as a strong female character in a way that makes sense for the context of the story and without being a cliche on “strong female character”. I liked the Doctor’s flashcards helping him show empathy (and Clara writing them out for him in true teacher fashion). Capaldi’s Doctor feels the most alien of all the Doctors, he doesn’t just click right into knowing everything about human interaction the way the others often did. As much as I liked David Tennant he could often feel more like a very smart human, a Sherlock Holmes type, than an alien from another planet.
The ghosts are starting to pick people off, who then appear as new ghosts, but are killing them in human ways which is interesting - they’re not dangerous because of some power they have like the Daleks and Cybermen have built-in guns, they just want to kill everyone and use very human ways. I liked the sequence of trying to trap the ghosts, even if for some reason none of them considered the gang of ghosts might split up. The Doctor and Clara get separated and Clara gets another crack at her favourite pastime of playing Doctor, despite the Doctor’s warning about that near the start of the episode. Clara’s becoming a bit of an adrenaline junkie, more so than the Doctor has been at times, something that’s been building up in her since maybe even before Danny died.
The episode ends on a cliffhanger when the Doctor’s ghost appears, and we’re getting another two-parter story. We’ve gone the opposite from the last series when we got mostly single episodes and one two-part finale. I liked the design of the underwater base; the creaking submarine sounds and the aquarium-like windows. It seems like the people who turned into ghosts aren’t really dead since the Doctor is now one, but then we haven’t seen the Doctor’s dead body so maybe that’s the twist.
EPISODE 4 - BEFORE THE FLOOD - 9/10
Peter Capaldi starts the episode talking to the camera, like in “Listen”, it’s like when Clara’s not around he walks around giving lectures to himself. I like that they’re exploring the Bootstrap Paradox directly, I wonder if this is in direct response to people criticising it in past episodes. Peter Capaldi plays the electric guitar again, I like that this is kind of his version of fish fingers and custard. We get two stories running parallel yet in different times, in one Clara and her companions Cass and Lunn keep an eye on the ghosts in the base, whilst the Doctor and his companions O’Donnell and Bennett explore the village before it was flooded. We get the return of the alien previously played by David Williams in “The God Complex” (though utilised much better here).
The Doctor’s compassion is questioned again, after the flashcards last episode, when O’Donnell is killed by the Fisher King and Bennett points out the long-running trope of the Doctor showing little remorse for victims until his companion may become one. Cass and Lunn call out Clara similarly back on the base. It feels like Clara is slowly falling into what Jackie predicted would happen to Rose back in “Army o fGhosts”, the more she tries to emulate the Doctor the more she loses herself and her humanity. The Doctor has a confrontation with the Fisher King culminating in the flooding of the village that began the whole story. The Fisher King is quite boring in design really, probably the weakest part of the episode. The Doctor ghost is solved with a hologram quite predictably, but the central idea of the episode being the Bootstrap Paradox isn’t really answered - but I like that, it’s a paradox because it can’t be explained rationally.
EPISODE 5 - THE GIRL WHO DIED - 6/10
Doctor Who finally does Vikings, and it feels very Horrible Histories at times - the physical comedy in particular. The setting of a Viking village, what could have been a dark insight into medieval history, becomes a silly parody - similar to the Pirates in “The Curse of the Black Spot”, it’s not so much that it’s bad, just wasted potential for something better. Maisie Williams guest stars as Ashildr, a young girl with more natural talent than all the adults (not typecast at all). She has an exceptional talent for making puppets (?) and uses it to defeat robot Vikings that are attacking her village.
Ashildr is killed in battle, but the Doctor uses a device to grant her immortality (a device never seen before used to fix the whole problem, sort of like concluding the Astronaut storyline in Series 6 with a Teselecta only introduced a few episodes before). I get the point being he feels guilty over her death but he’s felt guilty about many before but not granted them immortality, what makes Ashildr so special other than that she’s played by Maisie Williams?
The standouts of the episode are the small emotions beats - the Doctor translating the baby crying as it sensing danger coupled with Clara knowing the Doctor has decided to stay and help because the baby has stopped crying. Then the big moment of the Doctor realising why he regenerated into a face he’s already met. It’s such a sad parallel how Donna affected the Doctor so much that two regenerations later he is still affected by her so deeply, whilst she remembers nothing of her time with him and will never know how important she was for him. It’s also interesting how it parallels Clara’s journey into trying to becoming more like the Doctor, and that the more she tries to be like him the more she loses some of that humanity when it’s that very humanity of Donna that has stuck with the Doctor all these years.
EPISODE 6 - THE WOMAN WHO LIVED - 4/10
We’re getting a follow-up to the implications the Doctor set up in “The Girl Who Died”. We find the Doctor in a moment he’s gone travelling whilst Clara is out school teaching (Clara must really love being a teacher to continue going back to it when she could spend all her time travelling, especially after moments like in “Under the Lake” where she says out loud how she’s itching for adventures). The Doctor runs into Ashildr again, but so far down the line she no longer remembers the person she once was and now refers to herself as “Me”. I get the idea behind calling herself “Me” but I think it’s pretty stupid, just pick another name if you don’t like that one.
What’s frustrating about this episode is the potential of exploring the consequences of immortality and being a message about savouring being alive. It’s in there somewhere but gets lost with the weird lion alien. I think part of the annoyance is it kept making me think of Jack. I know he got a spin-off with Torchwood which I assume dealt with similar issues of his immortality, but this episode could have worked better had it been explored through Jack instead - a character we’ve grown to care for instead of told to care for. It was touched on briefly when Jack returned in “Utopia” but never really brought up again, mainly just used as a plot device.
EPISODE 7 - THE ZYGON INVASION - 9/10
We’re getting a follow-up to the events of “The Day of the Doctor” starting with Osgood, the Doctor Who fan turned Doctor Who character. It’s interesting to see the aftermath of a big story like the 50th anniversary, and something that as far as I can remember hasn’t been done before. I’ve seen pictures of the Zygons in the classic series and I enjoy the mix of maintaining their original design integrated with a bigger budget and talent for effects that really elevate them. Also, I loved the bit of the Doctor posing like a rockstar outside the plane.
Just a small moment but I loved the bit where Clara knows Truth or Consequences is in New Mexico because she used to memorise Trivial Pursuit answers. It’s an interesting point that even the Zygons don't know they’re not the people when they get so immersed, more like Jennifer in “The Rebel Flesh” than the bad Sontaran clone of Martha. It becomes quite obvious Clara is a Zygon impersonator about midway through the episode, partly because of some quite obvious hints but partly because she seems much more calmer than usual.
I like the American-style music when they arrive in New Mexico. The location of the episode is fantastic, I don’t know where they filmed it but it looks a bit like the places they used to film old Westerns. The Zygon's emotional manipulation when luring the soldiers with the promise of seeing their families so cruel, and the soldier in that scene and all the supporting cast in this episode deliver great performances.
EPISODE 8 - THE ZYGON INVERSION - 10/10
Clara is stuck in a dreamworld similar to “Last Christmas” whilst a Zygon impersonates her. Clara’s close watch of the Doctor comes in handy when she figures out she can control her Zygon clone. I like the moments of Osgood coming up with the plan before the Doctor. It’s like just being around the Doctor makes people want to be like him, it reminds me of something Rory once said, I can’t remember which episode, about the Doctor making people want to impress him. The Doctor and Osgood make a good team, especially the bit when she gets scared of his smile. It feels really unnerving any time he lets his guard down enough to let someone see him happy.
The whole story of alien invasion leads up to one long fabulous scene of confrontation between the Doctor, Kate and Bonnie the Zygon. Peter Capaldi perfectly delivers a speech that correlates the human and Zygon battle to real world politics of war. It’s perfectly written and even more perfectly delivered by Capaldi, One of the deepest and most important moments Doctor Who, an often silly science-fiction show, has ever done.
EPISODE 9 - SLEEP NO MORE - 5/10
Doctor Who does found-footage. I’m very surprised they haven’t tried this angle before, it seems like an obvious idea to use in a Doctor Who scenario. I’m not sure about the Grunts, I understand the idea and the “symbolism” of the way they’re treated but it’s never really resolved and only a bit of a side commentary that feels slightly wasted as a concept when it could’ve been a central theme of an episode in itself. Also, I thought the Doctor was careful not to judge other cultures and worlds but he’s very critical of the Grunts’ treatment “that’s how they roll in the 38th century” in a disapproving voice as if the audience couldn’t figure out it was inhumane themselves.
There are machines that grab you and play Mr Sandman. I like the contrast of a machine that puts you to sleep playing a calming and happy song, sort of like a lullaby. It feels a little bit on the nose when we find out they’re facing “sand monsters”. The idea of monsters created from dust particles of dead skin sounds terrifying but is incredibly under-utilised and just becomes a typical Doctor Who monster instead of really trying something new.
From what I can recall this is the first episode that ended with the monsters reigning victorious and the Doctor just being like “what are you gonna do?” and trotting off again. The whole episode felt a little lacklustre because I was expecting it to be a part one since the whole series has been two parter stories, so it felt like a whole episode of build up leading to a second part that never came and left the episode feeling quite flat.
EPISODE 10 - FACE THE RAVEN - 4/10
Rigsy’s back! He was one of the best one episode guest stars from the last series, and also an interesting episode to bring back Clara’s old companion when her attempt to become the Doctor is finally coming back to bite her. Also Ashildr’s back and I’m less excited about that, she’s similarly flat, uninteresting and easily manipulated as before. The idea of the alley is a bit too much of a rip off of Diagon Alley.
It’s another story that’s a comment on social convention, but falls a little flat for various reasons. For one, Maisie Williams only looks about 12 making it feel very unrealistic that she’s taken seriously as a mayor, especially when she’s called “Mayor Me”.
The main crux of the episode is leading up to Clara trying to play Doctor one final time and it literally being the death of her. I’m glad we didn’t get some super obvious line at the start of the episode of someone being like “oh Clara trying to be like the Doctor is going to be the death of you” like I think they might have back in previous series. I do like that it was Rigsy she sacrificed herself for. It felt a little bit like an attempt to emulate the Doctor sacrificing himself to save Wild in “The End of Time”. Jenna Coleman really sold this episode despite the questionable writing. Overall, I really don’t understand why this wasn’t a two-parter. We get two single stories after all two parters, both of which I think would have been improved with more added depth. I do like the idea of Clara’s death, but the whole episode was incredibly weak. I wish they’d done this ending but in an actually good episode.
EPISODE 11 - HEAVEN SENT - 10/10
After the catastrophe that was the last episode, it turns just following Peter Capaldi around a haunted house with a camera was all the show needed to do. This whole episode is designed beautifully. I think it’s some of Steven Moffat’s best writing in ages, and feels so perfectly written for Capaldi’s Doctor. No one other than Peter Capaldi could have pulled off the absurdity so convincingly, but then again the absurdity of the episode fits so well with him that I can tell it was written around him. It makes me wish they’d done that with the other Doctors, I’d maybe argue they did somewhat with Tennant in “Midnight” when they played with and against all the quirks of Tennant’s Doctor.
Peter Capaldi sums up in this one episode why he’s become my favourite Doctor. The design of the building is also amazing, and plans on horror movie tropes without being too over-the-top. The monologuing and talking to himself could be quite cheesy but it works because it’s Capaldi, and I love how it plays into other moments like in “Listen” when he was talking to himself or in “Before the Flood” when he talked directly to the camera. The music was outstanding as well, one of the best pieces of music the show has given in a long time. I’d put it up there with the music in “Doomsday” as one of my favourite pieces.
EPISODE 12 - HELL BENT - 9/10
We’re getting a conclusion to the whole series’s arc, beginning where it all began back on Gallifrey. I love that we’re getting ties back to everything the show has done through bits like the barn. It feels like Capaldi’s Doctor had tied all the other incarnations more than any other Doctor. He feels like both a combination of other Doctors and a whole new entity entirely, and I think it’s a credit both to Moffat’s great writing and understanding of this Doctor and Capaldi’s magnificent delivery of such an intricate man. This episode links back to Clara’s interaction with a childhood Doctor in “Listen” and how a combination of past incarnations fixed the Time War back in “The Day of the Doctor”.
The Doctor, in a moment reminiscent of the Doctor’s rage at fate in “The Waters of Mars”, saves Clara at the moment of her death in “Face the Raven”. The Doctor resorting to violence and even using a gun says so much about his deterioration, and how much his solitary isolation in “Heaven Sent” affected him and made him question himself. The moment Clara discovers how long the Doctor waited for her was heartbreaking, and delivered perfectly by both Jenna Coleman and Capaldi.
And then the Doctor steals a TARDIS, again linking the whole show together. I love the Doctors moments of rage, and so deserved after everything that’s happened in just a few episodes. Then Ashildr returns I guess because Maisie Williams was on a four episode contract, and becomes Clara’s companion as the Doctor gives her the TARDIS he stole at the expense of losing all his memories or her, like a reverse of Donna’s ending. The diner TARDIS is very silly, but it’s still not the most silly thing the show has done. I like the open-ended-ness of Clara’s departure, a lot more than her death in “Face the Raven” as it felt so anticlimactic after such a boring and forgettable episode.
Jenna Coleman has been an absolute gift to this show, I think she and Catherine Tate have been the best actors on the show, perhaps because they were given some of the best material, but I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Clara and Donna are my favourite companions. Peter Capaldi continued to be amazing, he’s definitely my favourite Doctor. Capaldi and Coleman worked together so well and so effortlessly it will be hard to see him with another companion, though at least since he’s forgotten her we won’t get a whole series or him moping about her whilst mistreating his current companion like poor Martha.

When a franchise has 6 original films, 1 meta deconstruction, 1 crossover and a gritty reboot, you expect a certain variance in quality. Some of these films are an absolute blast, some of these movies are terrible. These are my personal rankings from worst to best based on how good a film it was (I know how subjective that is) and how much fun I had watching it. It should be noted that my wife’s rankings differ. Spoiler alert, obviously.
9. A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)
Okay. Last place was almost a tossup between the gritty reboot and Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (the 6th one). However, when I sat down to really think about it, I had to decide if a remake that did almost everything wrong was worse than an original sequel that did almost everything wrong, and the answer is yes; yes, it is.
For better or worse, (sometimes better, occasionally worse) part of what separates the Nightmare series from the Friday the 13th and Halloween series is that the Nightmare series has a real sense of fun to it. Yes, Freddy does go from menacing and sly to overtly gimmicky and campy as the series progresses; yes, the series does get bogged down by some truly bizarre mythology the further down we go. But even in the weaker entries to the original series, the spark of attempted creativity and life exists.
The Nightmare on Elm Street reboot from 2010 has no life to it. From the second the credits started, I looked at my wife and said “Oh my god it’s so bullshit serious. I can already tell this movie isn’t going to be any fun at all”, and I was right. The plot remains largely the same from a byline perspective, but it is executed without any humor, or the desire for the audience to have a good time.
This movie also makes the conscious decision to change Freddy from a murderer back from the grave to wreak vengeance on the parents who killed him, by murdering their kids, to a flat-out child molester back from the grave to wreak vengeance on the kids who told their parents on him. That’s a sour choice. Did we really need that? And on top of that, the movie doesn’t even have anything interesting to say about repressed memories, collective trauma, shared experiences, or anything.
This movie also makes the dangerous choice to co-opt some of the original’s iconic imagery including knife hands in the bathtub, and Freddy coming through the wall as Nancy sleeps. You have to be sure you have a good movie on your hands before you can adapt any classic images, because otherwise you just remind the audience of a better movie that they’re not watching. You can guess what happened here.
Additionally, I can barely call the people who populate this movie “characters”. Rooney Mara (a good actress in anything else I’ve ever seen her in), who plays Nancy, acts as though she would rather be watching both the Steelers and the Giants lose than be in this movie. Her mom played by Connie Britton is given nothing of note to do. I couldn’t tell you a single personality trait of anyone who appears in this movie. Jackie Earle Haley is menacing enough as Freddy, but the kills are nothing special.
Did this remake need to exist? Did it add anything special or unique to the overall franchise? The answer to both is No. And that is why it’s last. Worthy of note: my wife thinks I am crazy for putting this last.
8. Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991)
This is easily the worst of the original films. Yes, this is the one where Freddy rides a broom a la the Wicked Witch of the West in an extended Wizard of Oz motif. Sigh.
This movie just isn’t good. It’s campy in all the weirdest places, and Freddy has officially jumped the shark to only being kitschy and silly. The plotline where he has a daughter (never heard of her before) is ridiculous. The acting and characters aren’t particularly memorable (cameos from Roseanne and Tom Arnold don’t count. Neither does one of the kids being played by Breckin Meyer).
There’s a ridiculous scene where one of the characters who may or may not be previous Nightmare star Alice’s son Jacob falls out of a plane and down a hill longer than Andy Samberg in Hot Rod. The only memorable kill in the movie comes from Freddy using a Nintendo glove to torment Breckin Meyer inside a video game. It’s tough.
That being said: if you watch this film as a parody of the series, or under any sort of alcohol or drug influence, you can move this one up to 2 ranks ahead of its current placement. Do with that what you will.
7. A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (1989)
This movie is unfortunately a few shades below decent. I admit I had fairly high expectations coming off the bizarrely good fourth movie, but I was definitely let down by this one.
The main plot revolves around Freddy coming back to hunt more teens, with the twist being that Freddy is using the dreams of Nightmare 4 lead Alice’s unborn baby to do it. This is actually a pretty decent twist, but I just wish it had been executed differently. I did look over at my wife and wonder why Alice didn’t just get an abortion about 8 seconds before another character asks Alice the same thing. Unfortunately, her answer largely amounts to “because there wouldn’t be a movie otherwise” and that’s stupid.
The other problem is that we spend a lot of time with the child-version of Alice’s unborn baby in a dream state (the kid is played by the boy whom Alan Grant “teaches” about raptor hunting habits in Jurassic Park. The kid’s eyes give it away instantly) rather than developing any of the characters in a meaningful way. Oh, and let’s give Freddy’s mom Amanda Kreuger more screen time too, even though we already know her story. Great.
Oh yeah, about Alice’s friends; she has all new friends (except for boyfriend Dan who is a supporting character in Nightmare 4), and none of them seem to know anything about the events of the last movie, which strikes me as a little odd. Didn’t y’all go to the same school last year? Did you miss where like 6 students, including Alice’s own brother died? For a movie with explicit continuity retained from the previous two films, this feels like quite a leap. The kills in this movie are fine. Nothing terribly special, which I am counting as bad because there have been so many clever ones throughout the series up until this point. There are some ridiculous comic book set scenes (one character’s personality trait is comic books) that prompted me to hum “Take on Me” over and over again until my wife asked me to stop. That’s about it.
6. A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge (1985)
Some people rate this one as their least favorite, but I do disagree. Don’t get me wrong, this movie isn’t great, but it’s definitely not as overtly bad as some of the other entries. This movie is actually a really unique entry, not only in this series, but as a slasher film as a whole. Freddy’s Revenge is notable in the franchise for having the only male lead in the series. Yes, the character Lisa (who looks like a young Meryl Streep) is definitely a secondary protagonist, but our man Jesse is definitely the lead here.
This film is also notable for having a strong gay subtext hovering just above the surface. The main character Jesse visits a leather bar where he spots his gym teacher, who proceeds to force Jesse to run laps at school, before being killed in the shower after an ass-slapping towel session. Additionally, in a later scene when Jesse begins kissing his neighbor Lisa, he panics that his body is “changing”, and he runs away. We are supposed to understand that this is meant to be Freddy’s influence, but they aren’t really fooling anyone. These elements alone make this entry at least an interesting one to dissect and consider.
That being said, this movie is deservedly unpopular for completely changing Freddy’s main motives and abilities. Rather than simply killing teens in their sleep, Freddy is now trying to possess Jesse, so he can carry out Freddy’s murders for him. This does only happen when Jesse is sleeping, but you gotta admit, it’s not quite the same. You can tell the filmmakers weren’t exactly sold on this development either, because they switch back to very dream-based action in the movies that follow.
In addition to the change in Freddy’s MO, the film has opted to show more of Freddy physically, which…isn’t the best choice. It’s like seeing an entire Xenomorph; Freddy is less scary the more of his body you see. He’s not a hulking, shapeless mass like Jason or Michael Myers, so when you see him, it needs to be the claws, the eyes, the tongue, a flash of burn makeup. Otherwise, he’s just a dude in a sweater and hat, and that’s not menacing. The “kids” at the pool party he attacks are all bigger than he is.
This is not to say the movie is all bad; the pre-Freddy pool party Lisa throws is classic 80’s teen movie shenanigans. Her dad playing Benny Goodman music and grilling for the kids before he goes to bed is a particular highlight. As for the acting, the actor who plays Jesse has at least committed to the story. Jesse’s mom played by Oscar-nominee Hope Lange is also good as the mom trying to convince her husband that Jesse isn’t a drug addict.
All in all, it’s definitely not great, but it’s not as terrible as some people may have you believe.
5. Freddy vs Jason (2003)
What can I say; I have a weird soft spot for this movie! As I said in a previous review of this movie, Freddy vs. Jason knows exactly what kind of movie it wants to be, and it delivers on that in spades. It has plenty of both icons, lots of carnage (the bed kill is a particular highlight), a plot that actually makes enough sense, filled with characters who move that plot along in a logical and meaningful way, and some unexpected humor. Yes, Jason does commit most of the murders in this film, but Freddy’s aura hovers over all the proceedings quite well before the climactic fight scene, which takes up approximately 20 minutes of screen-time. Plus, I love Kelly Rowland.
This movie does lose points for that awful early 2000’s slow motion camera bullshit (why was that a thing?) and for not being a strictly Freddy based movie, which prohibit it from being higher. Oddly enough, this movie also ranked 5th (out of 12) on my ranking of the Friday the 13th movies.
4. A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988)
This movie was surprisingly good. It had no business being as good as it was, considering the third movie was supposed to be the end of the franchise. But, I bet New Line was happy; Nightmare 4 was a huge hit, grossing almost $50 million in 1988 dollars.
Some nitpicking before I get started: It always bugs me when horror movies with direct continuity from previous films kill off the characters who survive the previous movie at the beginning of the current one. I just watched Kristen, Kincaid and Joey (all great characters) defeat Freddy at the end of the third one, and now 20 minutes into the fourth one, they’re all dead? Bummer. Shout-out to Kincaid’s adorable dog being named Jason. Anyway, I digress. The actual details of the how Freddy comes back don’t really matter; he is back, and he is ready to hunt teens again. Freddy himself is just sitting on that line between menacing and campy, but you can definitely tell the cracks are forming. There’s nothing too eye-roll worthy yet, but it’s coming.
What really sets this movie apart are the surprisingly great characters. While I did mention that Kristen, Kincaid and Joey are only in this movie for a short while, the other characters, including the martial arts fiend Rick, his sister Alice, their tough friend Debbie and genius friend Sheila all have an unexpected gravitas; they’re funny and well written as opposed to bitchy, nasty or plain dumb the way most slasher victims are presented. I actually found myself rooting for these kids, in a way you definitely don’t expect by the fourth installment of a slasher series.
Yes, it is sad that Patricia Arquette is not back as Kristen but considering that this film is really all about Alice, that ends up not being as big an issue as I had expected. Side note: my wife absolutely loved the shag haircut of the girl playing Kristen who replaced Patricia Arquette.
As part of the plot, final girl Alice begins to inherit the best abilities of her dead friends, including some smarts from Sheila, toughness from Debbie and martial arts abilities from her brother Rick. This all relates to her overall character arc of growing from shy, mousy teen catering to her alcoholic dad’s mood swings to a strong, independent woman who defeats Freddy (for a bit anyway). Plus, we get a perfectly 80’s montage of Alice putting on martial arts gear and tough-girl metal bracelets and it is as cheesy as it is bitchin.
This film also has some really solid set-pieces and kills too. The scene where Alice goes to the movies to see Reefer Madness, and ends up being sucked into the screen, back to Nancy’s old house by Freddy has some excellent visuals. Joey, ever the horndog goes out exactly the way he was attacked in the previous movie (by a sexy lady he should not trust), while Debbie has an extremely memorable Kafkaesque death that will stick with anyone who does not like bugs. Even smaller deaths like Sheila’s “asthma attack” in class are well executed with good visuals. The time loop where Alice and Dan race to save Debbie but find themselves repeating the same 3 minutes over and over again is an unexpected delight hidden deep in the movie.
The only reason this movie is not higher in the ranking is because of just how solid the other movies are, and the further development of Freddy as comic-leaning figure.
3. Wes Craven’s New Nightmare (1994)
AKA, Wes Craven’s practice run for Scream. Okay, that’s kind of an exaggeration, but only by a bit. This film, which reunites Heather Langenkamp as Nancy, Robert Englund as Freddy and John Saxon as Nancy’s dad, while each actor also plays themselves in the real world, is an alternately funny and creepy meta takedown of the effects of the horror genre on children and an actual Nightmare on Elm Street movie in its own right.
The plot is not as confusing as it may appear. Heather, Robert, and John are real-life actors who are cautiously awaiting Wes Craven’s latest script for a new Nightmare movie. Meanwhile, Nancy, I mean Heather is worried about the effects of her horror movie career on her young son Dylan and other children as she begins to have nightmares about Freddy. She knows these aren’t real, but when her husband dies in a freak accident and her son begins having trouble sleeping, Heather, I mean, Nancy must find it within her to defeat Freddy one more time.
This movie features some great performances from its leads, some solid set pieces (Freddy’s temple hideout from Clash of the Titans is great) and a brilliantly executed dark comic streak make this movie a must see for any fan of horror once they get tired of the same old stuff.
The only reason this isn’t ranked #2 is that for large stretches, Freddy remains absent for much of the running time, which makes it harder to qualify as an explicit Nightmare on Elm Street film. Still fantastic and well worth your time.
2. A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987)
AKA, what should have been Nightmare 2. Released in 1987, this film stars Patricia Arquette as Kristen. Kristen has a history of mental trouble, and when she starts seeing Freddy in her dreams, her mother sends her to a mental institution where the other kids in her ward have been having similar dreams. Now, it’s up to Kristen, her new friends and the medical staff (including an orderly played by Laurence Fucking Fishbourne) and a new intern played by none other than Heather Langenkamp, back as Nancy, to defeat Freddy.
This movie is fantastic and everything you could want from a Nightmare on Elm Street movie.Freddy is still menacing, but he also gets in some classic one-liners including the all-time great ad-lib “Welcome to Primetime bitch” as he kills one of Kristen’s friends, Jennifer who aspired to be an actress by shoving her head in a TV.
The characters are complex, sympathetic, and well-written. Each of the kids in the hospital has a distinct personality including the brash Kincaid, horndog Joey, sweet but tough Taryn, nerdy Will, and the aforementioned aspiring actress, Jennifer. I cannot stress enough how awesome it is to have Heather Langenkamp back as Nancy, and her reveal as the hotshot intern devoted to dream studies is amazing. Shout out to cameos from Dick Cavett and Zsa Zsa Gabor.
This is also the film that introduces Freddy’s mother Amanda Kreuger and explains Freddy’s past in a way that allows the group to beat him. While this mythology will eventually go off the goddamn rails, it makes sense as presented here in small enough doses to work, while giving the characters helpful clues.
Dream Warriors also features some all-time great death sequences including teen patient Phillip being walked through the halls as a marionette by his own veins, Taryn’s sad death after being injected drugs (she was a recovering addict who deserved better! Justice for Taryn) by Freddy and Will’s D&D related death in an alley. This movie also features original character Nancy’s death. This easily could have been (and was planned to be) the last film in the franchise. What a way to have gone out on.
But, it can’t be #1 because there can only be one film to fill that spot.
1. A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)
The stylish original movie in the franchise, A Nightmare on Elm Street, released in 1984 is still the best because it includes all the classic elements with none of the filler that you eventually see the series get bloated by.
This movie was released at an interesting time for the major American slashers. Halloween’s future was in flux after a poorly received third film that failed to start the franchise as an anthology series, and Friday the 13th was releasing its triumphant and hugely successful supposed “Final Chapter” the same year. Neither franchise had gotten trapped in its own BS yet, nor had they made the jump to explicitly supernatural plots. Then comes A Nightmare on Elm Street.
We all know the plot by now; a group of teens all begin experiencing the same dreams of a burned man with knives for fingers, where if he kills you in the dream, you die for real. The man in the dream is of course, Freddy Kreuger; a child killer who got off on a technicality, and who suffered his own death at the hands of the Elm Street parents who burned him alive in an act of vengeance. As the teens get picked off one by one, it’s up to our hero Nancy to stop him. It’s a simple premise that Wes Craven knows his way around perfectly.
Pretty much everything in this movie works. The plot is easy to follow with some good twists and turns to keep it interesting. The four main kids in the movie, Tina, Rod, Glenn and of course Nancy rise above being simple slasher material. Special shout out obviously to Heather Langenkamp as Nancy and future superstar Johnny Fucking Depp as Glenn. Oscar nominee Ronee Blakely as Nancy’s alcoholic, guilt ridden mother is highly effective, as is John Saxon as Nancy’s dad/town cop/resident skeptic.
This movie also features some of the most well-known death sequences in horror, including Tina’s bloody body being dragged around the room by an invisible force, and Glenn’s geyser of blood from the center of his bed. Other great visuals include Nancy’s mother pulling out the knife hands from the furnace (what a kill trophy), Freddy’s tongue coming out of the phone to lick Nancy, Freddy’s hand rising out from between Nancy’s legs while she takes a bath (probably the single most iconic image of the franchise), Freddy’s outline coming out of the wall while Nancy sleeps, Glenn’s crop top jersey and Nancy’s journey up the stairs of her house as she slowly sinks into each step. Those sequences are so freaking good, I am willing to overlook the comic scene where Nancy’s mother, played here by an obvious blow-up doll/dummy gets sucked into the window by Freddy at the end.
And Freddy. What a creation. Robert Englund only has about 7 minutes of screen time in this film, so even as he gets in some trademark gallows humor, he is always allowed to be legitimately frightening. This movie also has some unexpected additional laughs. I laughed out loud when Nancy announces to Glenn “I look 20” while checking herself out in a mirror. A quick search later indicated that Heather Langenkamp was 20 when the movie was released, which makes the joke even more perfect. Also, huge shoutout to the scene where Nancy’s mother takes away her coffee cups so she’ll go to bed, only for Nancy to pull out an entire fucking coffee maker from behind some pillows under her nightstand. That’s why she’s a classic heroine and moments like that are why this movie is the best in the franchise.
For final reference, my incorrect wife’s rankings from worst to best are: Freddy’s Revenge (2), Dream Child (5), Final Nightmare (6), Freddy vs. Jason (8), Nightmare Remake (9), Dream Warriors (3), Dream Master (4), New Nightmare (7) and Original Nightmare (1)

I feel like I’m going crazy. I’m paranoid, I can’t sleep, I can’t stand this anymore. I need to tell someone what’s going on.
It started last month, when I was walking to the bus stop to get to work. I don’t drive, not since my car accident about two summers ago. Car got totaled and getting a new one just wasn’t in the cards. Since there was a bus stop less than a mile from my apartment anyway, what was the big deal?
I wouldn’t have run into them if I did have a car though.
A pair of guys were at the stop. Both were probably around my age, both were clean cut, wearing white button ups and ties, and both wore matching blue disposable face masks. One of them was tall and scrawny, a toothpick of a guy, a bag full of papers slung over his shoulder. The other wore glasses and was about my height, and uh, let’s just say I’m not exactly a tall lady, and he was trying to hand out said papers… which were so clearly religious pamphlets.
I thanked Christ my bus was pulling up right then. Jehovah’s Witnesses are a menace. The shorter guy cleared his throat as I passed and was likely about to start his spiel. I cut him off with ‘I have to get on this bus’ before he could even get started. I was not in the mood, I had things to do and I did not want to get preached at.
I practically forgot about them by the time I got to work anyway. I cracked a few jokes about it to my coworkers, we laughed, then we got our heads down and went to work. Wasn’t worth the second thought. By the time I clocked out and got on the bus to go home, I was thinking about dinner and how to extend my groceries a little longer so I could save up for a new laptop.
I couldn’t believe my eyes when I got off the bus and those two guys were still there. Tall guy with his bag of pamphlets, shorter guy trying to strike up a conversation with less than interested people passing by. Even if they were still the same guys, I could tell they were disheartened. The tall guy was starting to nod off from where he sat on the bench and even the upbeat short guy was losing steam. I got off the bus just in time to hear a passerby tell him to fuck off and the poor short guy looked like a kicked puppy. I’d bet twenty bucks they hadn’t given away a single pamphlet all day.
“Excuse me, miss?”
I felt bad for them, even if I find what they were doing completely obnoxious. So I slowed down.
“Yeah?”
The short guy’s eyes went wide. I thought it was because he was shook someone actually stopped but it was actually for something else.
“Hey, you passed by this morning!” He reached up and tapped his mask. “I recognize the cats on your face mask. I remember thinking how cute they were.”
I laughed weakly before glancing at him and his buddy. “Have you seriously been here all day?” I asked.
“Yeeeaaahhh… keep telling the minister that we’d probably get better success stories if we weren’t in these monkey suits,” The guy pulled at his shirt collar and mock gagged, “Everyone just thinks we’re Mormons or Jehovah’s Witnesses.”
“Wait, you’re not?” I blurted out. I couldn’t help it, but can you blame me?
The guy chuckled, the area by his eyes crinkling as he no doubt was smiling. “Hell no. We’re a bit different. Hey, it’s about time to give up for the day. Peter and I are gonna go grab a coffee, how do you take yours?”
I snorted. “Just because I’m being nice doesn’t mean I’m gonna listen to whatever crap you want to tell me,” I said.
“If you don’t tell me, I’m just gonna get you a caramel macchiato.”
I sputtered for a moment while Peter gathered up his bag of pamphlets. The short guy held out his hand.
“I’m Sam. Do you want a caramel macchiato or not?”
In the end, I accepted the free drink. It was cold, I didn’t want to seem like a jerk, and I enjoyed it outside with the pair of weird street preachers. Now that they were done with their thing, both had immediately relaxed their wardrobe. Both had ditched their ties, Peter had pushed up his sleeves to show off a fantastic flower themed sleeve tattoo on his right arm, and Sam had untucked a necklace from his shirt that had a bunch of little strange silver charms on it.
Sam sipped at his latte while we made polite conversation. Turned out Peter wasn’t really the chatty type, only offering a ‘mmhmm’ and ‘sure’ every now and then to the conversation, but Sam was the one carrying the conversation. He had to take off the mask to enjoy his drink and he was actually kinda cute, completely inoffensive appearing human being. We didn’t talk religion. We just talked about our days, what we do when we’re not at work or preaching to uninterested people on sidewalks, and by the end of it I figured they weren’t so bad. I only took a pamphlet after Peter offered one the second time, turned out Sam wasn’t the only one who could look like a kicked puppy. I left figuring I’d never see them again, that this was just a funny little coincidence and it’d make a great story.
Now I can’t help but wonder if they had stayed at the bus stop waiting just for me to come back.
The next day I was heading back from work when I heard someone call my name.
“Amy! Amy, wait up!”
It was just Sam, now dressed down in a t-shirt and jeans, still wearing that goofy charm necklace but now wearing a neat custom face mask with little skulls dotted all over it. Under his arm he was lugging along a laptop. I stopped and he caught up, a little bounce in his step as he pulled his mask down to reveal his beaming smile.
He raised the laptop up to me. “For you,” He said.
I stammered and immediately went to reject it. “I can’t accept this-”
“Oh, don’t worry about it,” Sam laughed, “When you said yesterday you were trying to be a writer but your laptop wouldn’t stop freezing when you tried to do anything on it, I remembered I had my old laptop just chilling in my closet. So what the hell, better put it to better use, right? If it makes you feel better, consider it a loaner until you get one for yourself.” Once again, he presented it.
I won’t say it was like brand new, but it was clearly bought within the last two years. And man, a free laptop. I chewed the inside of my lip before I slowly reached up to take it. “It’s a loaner, then. It’s yours when I get my own. How often do you get new laptops?” I asked.
“Practically every other year,” Sam grinned sheepishly, “I play a lot of video games, and I always want the best. I can afford it.”
“Didn’t think that giving out Jehovah’s Witness pamphlets paid that much,” I said as I continued to examine the laptop.
“Funny,” Sam scoffed. “You didn’t even read that pamphlet, did you?”
I knew I was blushing, I always do when I’m embarrassed. Sam, thankfully, didn’t seem all that offended. “It’s cool. I know you were trying to be polite. I won’t tell Peter, but if you ever see him again, he’ll totally figure out you didn’t. And he’ll be grumpy. He’s pretty passionate about this sorta thing, you know?”
I sighed. “Fine, I’ll read it once I’m home.”
“Great! I gotta get going,” Sam rolled his eyes, “Pamphlets to give out, people to talk to. Ta for now!” With that, he pulled his mask back up and hurried back the direction he came from.
I took my new treasure home and almost immediately booted it up. It ran like a dream compared to my old computer. I was thrilled to bits and resolved to read that pamphlet while I worked on dinner, as my thank you to these pair of weird street preachers.
The pamphlet itself wasn’t too bad. It was white, with a black clip art oil lamp on the front and Times New Roman font reading ‘The Enlightened’. Inside was more basic clip art of people holding hands and it really just gave off the really basic feeling of community and raising each other up. The first line read ‘The age of enlightenment is upon us. The reason behind everything exists with us.’ Sure, I laughed, that sounded cheesy as hell. But I read the whole thing, and it didn’t seem all that nutty off the bat. The whole message can be summed up as how we’re here to lift each other up in this world and that should be our goal in life.
I had just finished boiling the noodles for my spaghetti when I heard a knock at my door. I didn’t think much of it, wondering if it was just a late package as I headed for the door.
I opened the door and there they were. Sam and Peter, back in their clean white shirts and ties, Sam raising his hand to knock again.
We both froze. Sam’s eyes bugged out before he chuckled. “Huh. Funny coincidence. Hi, Amy!”
I cleared my throat. “Hi… how did you find out where I lived?” Get that question out first.
“We didn’t,” Sam shook his head, “We’re just going door to door to see if we can get more pamphlets out and if anyone that took one has any questions. Did you read it?”
He sounded honest, completely innocent of anything creepy. I glanced around the door to make sure there wasn’t about to be like a mob coming in to murder me and steal my stuff. “Yeah, while I was cooking dinner. It’s… interesting?”
I could tell both guys were smiling. Sam pulled his mask down. “Then can we come in? We’ve been already going door to door for like an hour, and we’re supposed to be out until eight. Love to kill some time just chilling with a friend.”
I don’t know why I didn’t say no. They were near strangers. Maybe I felt obligated because of the coffee and the computer to at least give them some of my spaghetti, let them do their little ‘come to god’ thing before finding a way to shoo them out the door.
Honestly? I would’ve taken Jehovah’s Witnesses over this. This was on the same level as Scientology for me, as in it was completely freaking batshit insane.
The Enlightened aren’t a Christian sect, Sam explained as we ate dinner and I tried to remain as open minded as I physically could. They worshiped the Beings, well, not really worshiped. Peter cut in to say it’s more like they respected the Beings, relied on them for guidance. The Beings were here before humans were, and oh, how did humans get here? They were originally fish swimming through space, finally coming to earth and evolving into life as we know it.
Oh, and apparently, the sun is apparently a portal to hell. No. I’m not shitting you. The sun. Is a portal. To hell. It took literally all of my restraint not to bust out laughing at that point. I would’ve thought they were pulling my leg if Sam hadn’t said it all so calmly and matter-of-factly. By the end of our meal, I almost gave Sam his laptop back. This was absolutely ridiculous and I wanted no part of these crazy people.
But before they left, Peter took my hand. He didn’t even ask.
“The Being I rely on most is called Yehunee,” He said, which was the longest sentence he’d said all night, “She can see the future. I’d like to see your future.”
I tried jerking my hand back but Peter had a firm grip. My heart started to pound a bit and I started thinking of how stupid it was to let two strange men into my place when Sam grabbed Peter’s arm.
“Peter, let her go, you’re freaking her out.”
Peter released me before Sam turned to me. “I’m sorry, he was a raised Enlightened and I swear that broke his brain from common sense. Just let him do the reading, it’ll be like a minute, and then we’ll go. We hope to hit a few more doors tonight.”
I sighed. If this was the best way to get them out of here, so be it. I gave Peter my hand back and he stared at my palm so intently it made me want to squirm. I almost expected him to start speaking in tongues.
“… Don’t be afraid of strangers, they’ll mean well and be there for you when you’re in a bind. You’ll find what you love doing is not only an option but a profitable one as well. Look out for hooligans, they won’t try to hurt you but they won’t know their own strength. And by the end of the week, you’ll need your love to keep you going.”
Peter finally released my hand and I sighed with relief. “Right, so you said you had to be going?” I said, practically jogging to the door to escort them out.
“Yup! Thanks for letting us take a break tonight!” Sam grabbed his face mask and headed out, Peter right behind him. “Hope to see you again sometime!”
When I closed the door behind them, I was already thinking about how to get to work without going to that specific bus stop. Thanks, but no thanks.
It was just too uncanny that the next day Peter’s prophecies began to fulfill themselves.
I was picking up my groceries, since I no longer needed to get a laptop I splurged a little, got a few wants along with all my needs. For me that made it all the more humiliating when I reached for my wallet and it wasn’t there.
My face turned tomato red as I dug through my purse before checking all of my pockets, the girl at the register looking less and less impressed by my insistence that it ‘had to be here somewhere’. I wanted to melt into the floor when I confirmed that somehow, one way or another, I’d lost my wallet. God. Damn. It. I could just feel the judgment from everyone witnessing this.
Then I felt someone tap my shoulder and I turned to see the elderly woman in a nice red coat who had been in the line right behind me. I opened my mouth to apologize and she held up a hand. Then she looked at the cashier.
“May I pay for this girl’s groceries?”
I nearly started crying. I almost told her to not bother, but something stopped me. And that something was Peter’s freaking voice in my head saying ‘Don’t be afraid of strangers, they’ll mean well and be there for you when you’re in a bind.’ So instead I thanked her, again and again, while she laughed and said it was hardly a big deal. In this world we’re here to look out for each other, after all.
I didn’t notice until I was about to walk away that this woman had a few pins in the lapel of her coat. The two that stuck out the most were a small fish and a lamp. An oil lamp.
I just thanked her once more before I excused myself out of there. It was a coincidence, of course. I knew of a few Christians that also used fish as a religious symbol, same with the lamp. It was just bizarre.
It was when I was heading home that I got the sudden impression that I needed to duck. I practically dove to the ground, and it was lucky for me that I did that. A glass bottle flew through the air right where my head had been, shattering on the wall behind me. It had come from a black car whizzing by, and judging by how loud and rowdy they sounded, they were probably drunk and just having a good time. The car sped down the street and rounded the corner with a screech of the tires. Like that, they were gone, off to keep on partying and doing whatever a bunch of drunk morons do on a weekday.
‘Look out for hooligans, they won’t try to hurt you but they won’t know their own strength.’
My skin, I swear it crawled as I remember Peter’s third prophecy. I reminded myself that there was just no way he could tell the future. It was just a bizarre coincidence.
I got home, I made dinner, and I crawled into bed.
The next morning I woke up to several missed calls from my boss. He was so apologetic, but it was an emergency, and he recommended I turn on the local news for the full effect.
I won’t be too specific where I work, because I don’t know who’s reading this, but where I had worked had burnt to the ground. It looked like faulty wiring had just taken the building down, thank god no one had been inside when it ignited. But because the kind of work I typically do isn’t really one you can do from home, I was now out of work.
‘By the end of the week, you’ll need your love to keep you going.’
My head swam as I instinctively headed for my new laptop and started scrolling through my email, looking through all the writing jobs that I had been wanting to apply for but never had the time for. Submissions for magazines or anthologies, things like that. I wanted to test something and that something was Peter’s only unfulfilled prophecy.
‘You’ll find what you love doing is not only an option but a profitable one as well.’
Sure enough, by some miracle or whatever, I got an email back from one of the jobs I threw my name in the hat for. They liked what I had to offer and were going to pay me double the rate if I could it done by the end of the week. Which I could, because I had a lot of sudden free time.
Every single prophecy. Every single freaking one. Just as Peter had told.
But I couldn’t shake this nagging feeling that these prophecies were self fulfilling. I felt like I was being played with, and I wasn’t going to accept this at face value.
So. I started by googling the name of the editor of the magazine that had offered me the job. He was pretty internet absent shockingly enough, but I found his Facebook page. It was practically vacant, except for two things-
He was friends with the old lady from the grocery store and a Samuel Sutton. And the one thing he’d liked was The Enlightened Facebook group.
Samuel Sutton didn’t have a picture on his Facebook profile that was of his face, but I recognized the charm necklace he was putting together in one of the public photos. Sadly, The Enlightened Facebook group was not public, at least it wasn’t now. Maybe it had been in the past. I don’t know. Either way I was definitely spooked. I knew I was right to be suspicious.
Of course this is when my internet started cutting in and out on my laptop, making further research from there damn near impossible. So the rest had to be done from my phone, all while I side eyed the innocuous laptop from where it sat on the table, the webcam now covered with duct tape.
I didn’t have any scotch tape and I was starting to feel rightfully paranoid.
I googled The Enlightened and didn’t come up with much other than a webpage clearly designed in the 90’s. I scrolled through the bad website design and I came up with basically nothing new, other than the Enlightened were founded in the late seventies by a man named Ray White, formerly Ray Bram. He’s now ‘forever with the Beings’, aka he’s food for the worms… or whatever the Enlightened do to their dead. I do not want to know.
I blamed my following dreams that night about all the Enlightened crap floating through my brain. I dreamed about floating through space, followed by thousands of others just like me. Not floating… swimming. We saw the beautiful blue orb that grew bigger with every moment, until I realized that the blue orb was a planet. There was a golden light in the distance that also attracted by attention, and although its warm pulled at me, I knew I had to go to that blue planet. So down I went, through the atmosphere, through the clouds, and into the ocean below.
I woke up before I started turning into a person, because I presume I was one of those stupid fucking fish Sam talked about. I hated it.
What I hated more is that Sam just ‘bumped into me’ while I was out for coffee. Nevermind I’d never seen him at that coffee shop before he got me that stupid macchiato that started all this in the first place, and now suddenly he was there, acting like he’d been getting coffee there his damn life.
He perked up when he saw me and waved. “Hey, Amy, you’re usually at work right now, right? Something happen?” He said, sounding so casual and relaxed.
My stomach twisted. “I’m just here to pick up my coffee and go, I’m busy,” I said, trying to hold back the shakes that came from seeing him here. “When do you want the laptop back?”
“When you don’t need it anymore. But hey, if that one’s not working out, I can see if Peter’s willing to give up any of his old machines,” Sam laughed, “But I doubt it. He still has one of his dad’s laptops, the thing’s practically a blunt weapon with how heavy it is.”
“Yeah, I have to go,” I said, almost dropping my coffee with how fast I grabbed it.
“Same, see you again, Amy.”
Sam left just in front of me, and when I left the coffee shop I swear my heart stopped. I dropped my coffee and didn’t even try to pick it up as its contents spilled out all over the sidewalk.
Sam was getting into his car. A black car. Not unlike the black car I saw that night with all the ‘hooligans’ inside. He noticed me staring real quick and managed to pull off confusion pretty frikken’ well.
“You good, Amy? You need a ride? I just have to make a stop back the church, but I can get you home.”
I swallowed, shaking my head. “I… I’m good,” I murmured before I walked away, using all my restraint not to bolt down the sidewalk and get away from what was no doubt an actual fucking crazy person. Some sort of deranged stalker hiding behind his bizarre religion to freak me out and try to manipulate me.
I threw the laptop away in the dumpster. I locked my door and all of my windows. I drew the shades, I curled up on the couch and dug out my emergency wine stash. I did not want to be sober anymore.
I don’t think I drunk that much. I don’t know anymore. Because I remember pouring myself a glass and the next thing I was waking up in bed, and I could hear someone in the kitchen. Someone was humming.
I was still wearing the clothes I had been the day before, which was a fucking relief, but I still crept out into the kitchen expecting to see a psycho. Instead, it was just Sam, frying up some eggs and bacon, buttering toast and looking perfectly natural.
“What the fuck?!”
Sam looked up and winced. “Ooooh, that’s how bad the hangover is, huh?” He said.
True, my head was killing me, but I wanted to run. Run like hell. “How the hell- why are you-”
“Did you forget?” Sam walked over, his brow knitting in concern. “You called me last night and asked if I could come over.”
“I don’t have your number,” I said.
“I gave it to you yesterday at the coffee shop. You wrote it down on your hand.”
I was trembling as I raised my hand up.
It was a phone number, in blue ink, my handwriting, in my palm. Like where I write everything that I’m scared of forgetting.
“I didn’t call you,” I said, shaking my head.
“You did, and you sounded… really drunk,” Sam exhaled as he went back to the stove to turn over the bacon. “You were crying about losing your job? I’m so sorry about that. I didn’t mean to come off as insensitive or anything yesterday, I didn’t know about the fire until you told me.”
I bolted for the living room, my head throbbing so bad I wanted to vomit. I picked up my phone and unlocked it, checking my outgoing calls. Sure enough, around eleven I’d made not one, not two, but five fucking phone calls to the number scrawled on my hand.
“I was worried, so I came over. You cried all over my t-shirt, you were upset and I didn’t really know what else to do. So I helped you get to bed and I figured I should stay, just in case you got sick or something. I was worried, Amy.”
I shook my head. “I locked my door though, windows too,” I said.
“Did you?” Sam frowned. “I let myself in after you didn’t answer. I didn’t check the windows though-”
I did. I ran around the apartment like a chicken with its head cut off, checking everything. Windows weren’t locked, my emergency wine bottle was empty even though I can only remember that one glass. My makeup was all ran like I had been crying, like Sam said I was. Everything lined up with what he said had happened, except for my own memories.
When I finally returned to the kitchen, Sam had two eggs, two pieces of toast and a stack of bacon ready on a plate and was pouring a glass of orange juice for me. He still looked worried. “You look a little pale, Amy, are you okay? You look messed up.”
I opened my mouth to respond but instead just ended up running for the sink to vomit. Sam held my hair back and just patted my back while I vomited up was I presume was the oh so lovely mixture of stomach bile and wine.
“You know what? How about you go lay back down, I’ll bring you your breakfast in a bit. You got tums or advil for the pain?”
I shoved Sam away, wiping the puke off my mouth best I could. “I don’t remember calling you. I know I locked the door, I know… I know I did. I threw away your laptop. I didn’t drink that much, what the fuck is going on?” I sounded pathetic I’m sure, but you try sounding great during what felt like the worst hangover of my life.
“You what?” Sam left my side and poked his head into my office before he laughed. “What are you talking about, Amy, my laptop’s right there. Christ, how wasted did you get?”
No. No way. Despite the room spinning around like I was on a carnival ride, I ran to the office. The laptop was still there. Not broken. Not even dirty.
Had I thrown it out after all? I can’t even tell you for sure now. I just sunk to the floor, ready to start crying, while Sam squatted down next to me.
“I… I…” I swallowed. “I need to be alone. Or, I need my mom, she’s not far from here…”
Sam handed me my phone, I’d probably dropped it somewhere along the way during my run around the apartment panic. “Go ahead. I gotta go to church anyway. If you need some support while you’re between jobs, I promise, The Enlightened can give you any help you need,” He said, giving my back a final pat before he got up and left the apartment.
I didn’t end up calling my mom. We’re not that close. I’m not really close to many people, if I’m honest. I lost a lot of my friends after high school when they all took off for college and I hung behind to join the work force. It’s not like they dumped me on purpose, we just lost contact. I wasn’t really close to my coworkers either, I’d chat with them but I never really made plans with them. I’m not lonely, or I don’t think I am. Maybe I am. Maybe that’s why I talked with Sam and Peter that day. I was that pathetic and lonely that I talked with two randos I thought were Jehovah’s Witnesses.
This all started a month ago and I keep finding Sam and Peter in my life. Mostly Sam, and never Peter without Sam. I’ve refused all other fortunes from Peter, which clearly upsets him but I don’t know if I care about his feelings. I am getting more writing jobs thanks to that first connection I made with that editor, but I am not using the laptop Sam gave me. That’s currently in a box, that’s in another box, that’s duct taped shut and shoved to the back corner of a closet.
I don’t know how Sam’s wormed his way into my life so efficiently, but now I even find myself calling him on my own. It feels like he’s always been there. Sometimes I even see him in my dreams, laughing or smiling at me, looking at me with fondness and warmth that makes me feel… good about myself. I sometimes wonder how good I felt before I met him, if I felt this good before.
But I don’t know. My brain’s been so turned around. I don’t know how much I can trust myself, if I’m losing my mind. I know I cannot join the Enlightened, even if Sam and Peter are okay at times. It’s nuts, right? It’s all crazy talk. There is no Being in my dreams telling me it’s okay to doubt, but it’s never okay to assume something’s wrong from the get go. His name isn’t Riesis, and I know that those shadows outside my window aren’t people watching me, it’s just trees.
I don’t know anything anymore. I just. Don’t. All I know is that every time Sam asks me to go to the Enlightened Church with him, it’s becoming harder and harder to say no.

New year, new season of Doctor Who with a new Doctor to review, and I’m adamant that I’m going to pick up the pace with the rest of these reviews. For now though, its time to focus on Season Eight of the show, and the first one with the hugely underrated Peter Capaldi. As always, this is just my opinion and I’d love to hear yours and, again as always, there’s a breakdown at bottom of the post just in case you prefer a shorter read – enjoy!
DEEP BREATH (9/10)
To say that most of this underrated episode is brilliant feels like a bit of an understatement – we have a fantastic plot involving a Clockwork Robot stealing organs in the middle of Victorian London to repair himself while a newly-regenerated Doctor is having a crisis of identity and stealing people’s clothes. Capaldi’s debut performance is brilliant and really showcases the characters’ new direction well but the real star of the show is Coleman, who gets more development as Clara in one episode than the previous season ever gave her. The two together have more chemistry in this episode than Smith and Coleman ever had, and they truly begin to cement themselves as one of the best pairings in the show in my opinion – plus they suit the darker direction Moffat decided to take during this season extremely well. The only flaw this episode has is that it’s first half is massively padded out with comic relief from the Paternoster Gang who feel much more suited to the lighter Smith era and disappear completely in the middle of the story – it’s a blessing when the story decides to focus on the new TARDIS dynamic and its central antagonist rather than trying to make the audience laugh. For the most part, this is a story that sees Moffat firing on all cylinders after the disaster that was Season Seven and ends up going down as one of the best opening episodes this show has done.
INTO THE DALEK (6/10)
Is this the worst Dalek story in NuWho? No, because that honour goes to Victory of the Daleks. Seriously though, this is a fun episode – the central idea involving the Doctor and crew attempting to fix a damaged Dalek from the inside provides lots of action and the episode utilizes the parallels between the Doctor and the Dalek well, both of whom are having a major morality meltdown. Whereas the previous episode had Coleman shining, this episode is really all about the Doctor and Capaldi squeezes the most out of every moment. However, if you look outside the fun aspects of this one, it becomes an episode that’s just a mash-up of previous Doctor Who plots – there was a lone Dalek unsure of its existence being paralleled with the Doctor in the much superior Dalek from Season One, the “antibodies” and miniature people were used with the Teselecta two seasons prior and the inside of the Dalek looks exactly like the set pieces used for Season Seven’s Journey. There are also some writing issues with the Doctor where he ends up coming across as unnecessarily cruel rather than morally jaded and sets this season’s pattern of writers not really knowing how to write Twelve. It really isn’t the worst Dalek-centric offering we’ve had so far in Doctor Who, but it might just be the least original one so far.
ROBOT IN SHERWOOD (2/10)
I’ll be completely honest here and say that I’ve only watched this episode twice – the first time was when it aired, and it left that bad a taste in my mouth that I haven’t watched it since… until now. And I really have to say it’s as awful as I remember it being. The only positives in this are Capaldi, who manages to keep this episode from being a complete disaster, and Tom Riley’s performance as Robin Hood that captures the essence of the character perfectly. Everything else is horrible – the entire roster of secondary characters feels extremely underdeveloped outside of their basic pre-existing characters - Maid Marion barely registers in this episode despite being a prominent character in the original tales and the extremely boring Sheriff of Nottingham and his alien robot pals might be one of the worst villains the show has given us. The script has no tension or stakes whatsoever, the comedy rarely lands and the whole affair is so cheesy and campy that even RTD would’ve been embarrassed to write this one. I understand that Gatiss was attempting to create a fun romp that all the family would get enjoyment out of but for me this episode fails on every front.
LISTEN (10/10)
There would be people, including myself, that watch the first few episodes and don’t have the highest hopes for the season – and then Listen comes along and washes any of those doubts away. It’s the first episode where the character development truly feels significant – we get some true insights into Clara’s life outside the TARDIS that felt sorely missing and the script delves into Danny’s insecurities beyond his soldier background. Best of all though is Capaldi, who delivers his most balanced performance as the Doctor yet and shows what he is capable of when he has a good script - I couldn’t imagine this episode being written for any other Doctor. In a different universe, this would’ve been a basic story about the Doctor hunting down the monster under the bed and probably would’ve been centred around an awful child actor rather than the Doctor. Instead, it’s a contemplative story about fear, how it manifests and how we choose to approach it, with the Doctor trying to confront his fear of ‘the figure’ and gaining nothing from it and Clara trying to protect herself from her fear of getting closer to Danny but eventually giving in. Granted, some questions are left unanswered and don’t even make sense upon repeat viewings (looking at you Orson) but Moffat is really doing what he does best – giving us a stunning and layered story that ends up being one of the show’s standout episodes.
TIME HEIST (8/10)
Capaldi’s debut season has a decent number of gimmick-centred episodes under its belt and it’s safe to say Time Heist is the biggest example of this, but it’s an episode I can’t help but love! The classic heist film tropes are incorporated brilliantly into this story, especially with our team of heisters - The Doctor as the mastermind; Clara, who isn’t given a whole lot to do; and Saibra and Psi, both of whom are brilliant guest characters. The direction lends itself to the heist genre too, with Douglas Mackinnon packing the episode with futuristic transitions and stylistic, slow motion shots that feel as though they’re straight out of a blockbuster film. Even the sci-fi elements are incorporated well with The Teller, who is a brilliantly designed and unique looking villain that poses a genuine threat to The Doctor’s team. It’s a shame that the reveal that both villains were not so villainous after all slightly messes up what could’ve been a stellar episode and leaves you wishing that the writers wouldn’t try to redeem every villain that has the slightest opportunity of redemption, but even these third act twists feel in line with the heist movies the episode is emulating. And that’s what this episode gets its marks for – 45 minutes of Doctor Who/heist film fun that I’ll always enjoy watching.
THE CARETAKER (7/10)
This is an episode that splits me in two because half of the episode is stellar, and the other half is not-so-stellar. There’s some seriously brilliant character work in this episode - much like Into the Dalek, there is a clear struggle with how to write the Doctor and rather than being morally ambiguous, he comes across as antagonistic to both Danny and Clara – while it’s refreshing to see the Doctor so clearly in the wrong, some better writing would’ve made the conflict greyer. Clara’s development continues to be stellar, from exploring how travelling with the Doctor negatively impacts her life and relationships in ways not seen since Martha to her beginning to question and openly argue against the Doctor – it’s a fantastic break from the last few seasons where both Amy and Clara would absent-mindedly follow the Doctor and makes the Doctor and Clara’s toxic co-dependent relationship engaging to watch. It’s a shame that this brilliant character work is tied to such an unenjoyable plot because the school shenanigans are unfunny (how many times do they have to use the ‘Doctor can’t behave like a human’ plot?) and for the third time this season, we have a murderous robot as our main villain that’s massively unforgettable. This episode really should get better marks for exploring the lead characters more – it’s important to the journey of their relationship and the scenes between them are gripping, but its paper-thin side plot stops it from being brilliant.
KILL THE MOON (6/10)
I’ll start here by saying this is a hugely messy episode but gets way too much hate in a show where far worse episodes have been made. All the things wrong with this episode have been said before – Courtney is horribly written and unnecessary along with most of the guest cast here, The Doctor’s actions make no sense within the episode and his refusal to meddle in human affairs contradicts much of the character, the reveal that the Moon is an egg requires a huge amount of suspension of disbelief and the abortion metaphor is so heavy-handed that it would feel right at home in the Chibnall era. But it’s not all bad - I enjoy Clara’s role within the episode and her over-ruling of Earth’s vote to kill the moon (roll credits) feels in line with her Type A personality. The episode is entirely worth watching for the massive confrontation between the Doctor and Clara at the end though – Twelve’s carelessness and apathy bites him on the arse and Clara finally snaps after so long of being pushed; both performances are outstanding and partially redeem all the nonsense that come before. In fact, all the character development throughout both this episode and the season has been stellar and Moffat clearly knows what he is doing – if only the conflict built throughout the episode wasn’t caused by something as bizarre as this.
MUMMY ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS (9.5/10)
With a name like this, you’d think this episode would be doomed to fail but it instead ends up being a standout episode of the season. The continuation of the Doctor and Clara’s relationship development after Kill The Moon is superb and really emphasises the co-dependency they have on each other – Clara decides to stay in the TARDIS despite her frustrations, a decision aided by the Doctor’s unwillingness to let her leave without showing her what she would be missing, and both Capaldi and Coleman bounce off each other well and pull in strong performances. In fact, there isn’t a bad performance within this episode, with each member of the guest cast making their characters enjoyable to watch (especially Frank Skinner, whose delight at being on the show radiates through his character and makes you wish he’d appeared in more episodes). The whole episode is tied together The Foretold, that can only be seen by those about to die - the simplistic, classic horror design of the foe and its unrelenting drive to wipe out everybody on the Orient Express make it one of the scariest NuWho villains ever. It’s unsurprising that Mathieson is a fan-favourite writer because he’s crafted an original script that’s funny and scary and acts as both a standalone story and a continuation of the season’s themes and arcs – he knows how to create a story that’s perfect for all fans of Doctor Who, and this one is no exception.
FLATLINE (9/10)
What’s better than one episode penned by Jamie Mathieson? The answer is two, and this one offers up a lot of differences both from Orient Express and the dynamics throughout the season - allowing Clara to take charge rather than follow the Doctor, who is stuck inside the miniaturised TARDIS (the visuals here are brilliant) allows for a fresh change from the tension between the two and she even gets her own companion in Rigsy, who is a great guest character. The setting of the episode contrasts well with the glossy, high-budget feel of the previous episode, and the urban setting suits the story extremely well. Mathieson creates another classic villain and The Boneless are a much more original and terrifying enemy than The Foretold – the concept of a two-dimension villain is unique to the show and the power they hold is chilling and is displayed in some of the most horrifying kill sequences in NuWho. Unlike most enemies this season, Mathieson chooses not to redeem the Boneless, instead leaving them as evil beings who take great pleasure in killing their prey. However, Flatline is let down by its rushed ending that solves every conflict in one fell swoop of the Sonic Screwdriver and, had there been less padding in the beginning of the episode, a lengthier final act in line with the episode’s tense beginnings would’ve been possible. Still, its another white-knuckle thrill ride from Mathieson that always deserves to be rewatched.
IN THE FOREST OF THE NIGHT (2/10)
There’s only one thing worse than a bad episode in my opinion, and its an episode that’s so forgettable, everything that happened leaves your head the moment the credits start to roll, almost as if you never watched it in the first place - this is one of those episodes. The plot, which requires more suspension of disbelief than Kill the Moon, sees the world cover itself with tress to protect itself from a solar flare while The Doctor watches events transpire before him, not affecting the outcome of the plot in any way and to make matters worse, there’s somehow an inadvertent anti-medication message within the episode. Further suspension of disbelief is required to believe that any of the children featured in this episode are old enough to be in secondary school because they appear to have an average age of eight and every performance from them leaves a lot to be desired. There’s absolutely no tension within the episode, with the biggest threat in the episode being a tiger, which hardly feels formidable when the previous episode had two-dimensional beings with the ability to flatten a living person while you blinked. It’s visually nice enough, as is any forest, but this is a nothing episode – there’s no plot, no villain, no tension, and no character development, which leads me to wonder why this was ever made in the first place.
DARK WATEDEATH IN HEAVEN (10/10)
We’re onto the finale of Season Eight and the only two parter of the season, and Moffat needed to make sure the season went out with a bang – and it’s probably the darkest story so far in NuWho. Within the first few minutes of Dark Water, Danny is unceremoniously killed off in a grim reflection of how some things end without warning and Clara is pushed to her very edge - Coleman’s performance of grief and anger remains captivating throughout the episode, as does Capaldi’s genuine concern. But the pitch-black heart and emotional punches don’t stop there, with chilling lines such as “don’t cremate me” and “we’ve got a burner” remaining some of the most adult moment Who has ever done – the script does deliver some moments of levity, particularly with the Doctor’s initial interactions with Missy, but not enough to overshadow the serious moments. It’s not a finale without some massive reveals, and this episode has some of the best ones in NuWho. The reveal that Missy is in fact the Master is massively rewarding and Michelle Gomez is magnetic to watch the moment she appears on screen. Even the Cybermen, who haven’t had a decent story since Season Two, are revealed in one of the tensest scenes ever and feel like as a legitimate threat. Despite being a deliberately slow and tense episode, it ends up being one of the quickest 45 minutes of the show and the cliffhanger leaves you dying for the next episode.
It’s a shame though that Death in Heaven doesn’t quite live up to the heights of the preceding episode – it doesn’t quite manage to match the tension built throughout the previous episode and the Cybermen are completely sidelined throughout the episode, playing second fiddle to the more entertaining Missy. It’s true to say that the Cybermen are at their scariest so far within this two parter, but it’s evident the writers have little faith in their effectiveness as a solo villain. There’s a hell of a lot of good here too – Rachel Talalay’s direction throughout both episodes is stunning and Moffat’s writing, despite some unnecessary moments, is tight as always and reflects how mature the show has become across the season.
But it’s an episode that does loads character-wise, with everyone getting their chance to shine – Missy is by far my favourite incarnation of The Master due to the perfect balance of madness and humour that Gomez imbues the character with and her chemistry with Capaldi is off the charts and Danny’s storyline comes full circle in this episode too. But the stars of the show are Capaldi and Coleman, who do a stellar job and get the conclusion to their arcs they deserved – Clara has become a much more detailed and flawed character and The Doctor finds his answer to the question he’s pondered the whole season – he’s not a good man or a bad man, but a madman in a box. The gut punch ending as they say goodbye to each other encapsulates their relationship beautifully – despite their co-dependency, they both lie about their lives going forward and hide their faces to disguise the grief they’re both feeling even though they need each other. Granted, Clara does come back but it doesn’t stop this episode from being an emotional character journey that lines up with the arcs throughout the season and completes Season Eight’s journey in the best way possible, even if Dark Water is the superior episode.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Season Eight may not be the most consistent outing – the writing is often inconsistent especially regarding Twelve and it happens to contain two of my most hated episodes of the show. But the strengths of the season are some of the biggest strengths the show has ever had – the new talent is brilliant, with both Rachel Talalay and Jamie Mathieson in particular knocking it out of the park with their respective show debuts. Capaldi’s take on the Doctor is instantly refreshing and magnetic from the moment he stumbles out the TARDIS and, although this is unfortunately his worst season, he makes even the worst episodes worth watching purely for his performances. But the star of the season is Jenna Coleman, who get so much material and character depth in Clara this season that it almost makes up for the awful writing that came before and her chemistry with Capaldi is electrifying. Moffat’s decision to shy away from the massive, complicated arcs he loved to write previously and instead make the season more character driven makes Capaldi’s debut a memorable one, and crafts one of the most layered and interesting dynamics between Doctor and companion the show has ever given us. Some of the episodes let down Season Eight but it’s unrivalled in its ability to craft the most emotionally engaging batch of episodes so far and it’s probably the most underrated season of NuWho in that respect.
FINAL RANKING:
Dark WateDeath in Heaven (10/10)
Listen (10/10)
Mummy on the Orient Express (9.5/10)
Flatline (9/10)
Deep Breath (9/10)
Time Heist (8/10)
The Caretaker (7/10)
Into the Dalek (6/10)
Kill the Moon (6/10)
Robot of Sherwood (2/10)
In the Forest of the Night (2/10)
SEASON RATING:
Season Four (8)
Season Five (7.9)
Season One (7.6)
Season Six (7.5)
Season Three (7.4)
Season Eight (7.4)
Season Two (6.9)
Season Seven (6.5)
2009/10 Specials (6)

Hey! Thanks for clicking! Like everyone else, I had a lot of feelings about WEH. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. WEH was a masterpiece of storytelling, but I felt like I didn’t get enough from the ending so I wrote my own epilogue. It's set a year after the ending, when the gang meets up on a very special day. There will be music linked within the story, which you could listen for the ✨full Choices experience✨ if you want to. There's lyrics in them so you may want to listen before or after the story if you're the type to get distracted. If you have some time and are also looking for closure, read on!
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\ In silence, no one answers. But I still hear your voice.
One year later..
You stand in front of a now familiar headstone, clutching a small framed photo in your hands. There’s a dull ache in your chest as you look around your surroundings, your eyes moving from the large tree overhead providing you with much needed shade from the afternoon sun, to the collection of trinkets placed neatly around the headstone, and finally to the name etched on the center of the marble.
Dakota Winchester.
“Hey, Dakota.”
You swallow the lump growing in your throat and force your attention back to the various things around the headstone. It’s a lot. There’s a cute ghost plushie (courtesy of Amy, Jayden and Heather), beautiful flowers and candles, and tons of other gifts from family and classmates from Willow Creek. You’ve visited this place once or twice and have left little things that remind you of Dakota, but the Winchesters have taken them and placed them in Dakota’s old room, promising to keep them safe.
Now feeling insecure, you look down at the lone photo in your hands and chuckle sheepishly. “Wow. And this is all I got for you.”
You’re more than enough, Sage.
You brush your fingers over the smiling face on the photo. “Despite your best efforts and wishes, Dakota Winchester, people have not forgotten you. And I doubt they ever will.” You kiss the photo, trying to infuse it with all the love you hold in your heart, leaving a mark from your lipstick.
You place the photo down between the flowers and the letters and sit, remembering the memory behind it as if it were yesterday. It’s a photo of Dakota you took in their car while they were driving you home from volunteering, their face radiant and wearing a large smile. It was taken before everything changed. Before you started dating. Before Dakota’s cancer took a turn for the worse. Before you knew you loved them.
“Dakota, why do you always film everything?”
“It’s for blackmail, in case I catch people doing something embarrassing on camera. And they owe me money or something.”
“Liar. How would you like being on the other side of the camera for once? I’ll take a picture of you right now!”
“I’m not sure your camera could handle this much beauty. It might explode.”
Smiling, you roll your eyes and bring out your phone, training the lens on Dakota’s face. They take their eyes from the road for a few seconds and smile for the picture. But they’re looking into your eyes, not the small circle on the back of your phone. They’re smiling for you. Click.
“How’s it look? Do I look hot? Was I born for the camera?”
“You’re a star.”
“Thank you, thank you. I accept gifts from fans in the form of ice cream, fries, and strawberry milkshakes.”
You shake yourself out of the memory, smiling as you shift on the grass to make yourself more comfortable. “So much has happened since I was last here. You’re in for a long story, Winchester.” You start telling him about your life at college, your work with Dakota’s parents filming videos for the Dakota Winchester Foundation, and your small acting gigs for film students at your college. You usually act for horror films out of habit. “You’re still the best director, of course. You’re irreplaceable.” You don’t know how long you sit there talking until a pair of hands grab your waist from behind.
“Boo!”
“Ahhhhh!”
You shoot up, hearing laughter from behind and turning to find Mateo and Lennox, smirking at you. “You scream every time. How are you not immune yet?” Lennox says.
“Don’t stop though. It’s hilarious,” Mateo quips.
You give Lennox a playful swat. “Gotta practice my best horror movie protagonist scream. It’s an art form.”
“Anyway, I’ve missed you guys!” You open your arms wide. “I haven’t seen you in months!” Mateo goes in for the hug, but Lennox stays behind, arms crossed over her chest.
“What are you talking about? We video chat every week.”
“C’mon Len, you know it’s not the same,” Mateo wiggles his eyebrows at her, his free arm beckoning for her to join. Lennox groans, but joins the hug anyway. For a second, it almost feels like nothing has changed and everything is fine. You separate, and you see Lennox staring at your head. “What’s with the lack of hair? You starting to inject poison into your veins too?”
You forgot about that. You shaved your head again today. “I woke up this morning and it just… felt right. In honor of today.” The anniversary. “It helps me remember Dakota,” you say, rubbing your hand over your head.
“Well, I think you look great. Len thinks so too, but she’s too shy to say it,” Mateo interjects, earning him a glare with the force of a thousand suns. “You really do. Right, Dakota?”
You all fall silent, as if waiting for another voice to make a quip. It’s always been like this, even in your video chats and your visits home from college. There’s a short, awkward silence in between your banter, only reminding you of the Dakota-sized hole in your group. But you try to move on.
Lennox shoves a chocolate pudding cup at you. “Here. Fresh from the five-star Edenbrook cafeteria.”
You accept it gratefully and motion for everyone to sit down. Mateo places a fresh bouquet of Dakota’s favorite flowers on the ground. You all dig into your chocolate pudding, and Lennox notices the photo of Dakota lying against the stone. “Hey, Athos.”
“Athos? Like, from the Three Musketeers?” You ask in between bites of pudding.
“Why does Dakota get to be Athos?” Mateo pouts.
“If the shoe fits,” Lennox replies. “Sage is very obviously D’Artagnan, and you’re Porthos.”
“Why? Because I’m funny?”
“No, because you’re vain and narcissistic as hell.”
Mateo dramatically clutches a hand to his heart. “Ouch.”
You nod your head in agreement. “You set yourself up for that one, Porthos.”
You spend more time talking with your friends, catching each other and Dakota up on what’s been happening. “I’ve been in and out of the hospital a few times,” Mateo says. “Just short visits though. Nothing as long as last time.”
Your brow creases in worry. “And you’d tell us if something was wrong, right?”
“’Course. I tell you guys everything. Even when I’m on the toilet, squeezing out last night’s spicy—”
“STOP.” Lennox puts her hand out, shaking her head. “Good god, I wish you didn’t.”
Mateo grins, but concedes the subject. He turns to you. “What about you, Sage? What’s the tea at college? Been doing some hardcore partying and dating?”
“Well, you already know about the acting stuff. It’s a good distraction. Partying, sometimes. And dating…” You hesitate. “No one’s been as special as...” You don’t continue, instead looking down and picking at your pudding.
Mateo looks at you with concern, noting your sudden change in mood. “I feel that,” he says lightly, trying to break the atmosphere. “All my classmates are woefully boring. Can you believe they don’t want to break into restricted sections with me? How rude!”
You laugh despite yourself, your mood lightening, and look at Lennox. “Your turn, Lennox.”
Lennox looks up from where she’s been staring at the framed photo of Dakota. “I’ve been… training.”
You and Mateo look at each other, and then back at Lennox. “Training?”
“Training for track. You know, for the Paralympics. No big deal,” she answers, looking anywhere but you and Mateo.
There’s a shocked silence as you and Mateo gape at her, mouths open. “Shut your mouths before I do it for you,” Lennox says dryly. There’s another beat of silence and then…
“WHAT?! Why didn’t you tell us before?”
“Since when? Tell us everything!”
“I thought you didn’t want to do it!”
You both continue to hit Lennox with a barrage of questions, and she rolls her eyes up to the sky. “I’ve only been doing it the past couple of months. Running around the block a few times a week. And as for why…”
She looks back at Dakota’s photo. “Dakota here inspired me. They always tried to live their best life, even when it was hard. Especially when it was hard. I don’t want to regret anything when I eventually leave this hellhole.”
You smile, feeling so happy your heart could burst. “That’s amazing, Lennox. Dakota would be so proud of you.”
“Yeah, they would be filming you constantly if they were here,” Mateo says, hands on his chin. “In fact, who’s to say they haven’t been doing it? They’re definitely watching and recording our every move!”
“Filming us with their camera made of stardust?” You add.
“Exactly!” Mateo shakes his fist at the sky like an old man yelling at kids to get off his lawn. “Damn you, Dakota!”
You all laugh, then Mateo raises his pudding cup to the air. “To Dakota, the best of us all.” You and Lennox do the same, ‘cheers’ing your cups. “To Dakota!”
You talk for a couple more hours, reminiscing while the sun starts to set and the sky starts to darken. The Winchesters gave you copies of the film from Dakota’s cameras, so you show them the pictures and videos you saved on your phone, some with just you and Dakota and some with the whole group. Lennox and Mateo tell you about their childhood with Dakota, and the stories of how Dakota was before you met them make you love them even more.
“And so there we were, crawling out of the doctor’s office, butts in the air, when—"
Your phone rings, blasting your and Dakota’s song and interrupting Mateo’s story. It’s a cheesy love song, but you love it. It was just another random song on the radio until Dakota loudly sang it off-key while driving in their car, complete with silly little dances and dramatic gestures of pointing at you in the passenger seat and then clutching their heart. You would laugh and add your own exaggerated harmonies and second voices. After they couldn’t drive you anymore, you’d play it on your phone in Dakota’s hospital room during your visits, singing and dancing your hearts out, much to the bemusement of the staff and other patients.
You look at the phone and see that it’s your mom calling, probably wondering where you are. You went straight here after dropping your bags from college at home. You decline the call from your mom but shoot off a quick text, assuring your mom you’re with your friends. You tell your friends that your mom’s looking for you.
Mateo nods. “It’s getting late. Why don’t we have a few more minutes each with Dakota, then we should get going to Beatrice’s.” Lennox goes first, while you and Mateo move away to a nearby tree to give her privacy.
“It’s unfair, isn’t it?” Mateo says suddenly as you both watch Lennox murmuring to the headstone. “Why do they have to go, and the rest of us can stay here?” His voice sounds uncharacteristically pained, so you tear your eyes away from Lennox to look at him. He looks back at you, eyes red and watering. And the dam you’ve been holding back since the minute you got here finally breaks.
Tears fall freely down your face as you hug Mateo, his whole body shaking. You can imagine to some extent the pain he’s feeling, but while you only got a year with Dakota, Mateo and Lennox had more. "We... always talked about the things we were gonna do once we all got out of the hospital, you know?" He rests his head on your shoulder, and you feel your shoulder getting damp. "I was supposed to be the last one out, Sage. It all seems so stupid now."
“It wasn't stupid, Mateo,” You choke out. “I’m really glad you’re here. Both of you.”
You stay like that, hugging and crying, until a voice breaks you out of it. “What are you two Debbie Downers crying about?” You break apart to see Lennox looking at you, frowning. “Stop it. Dakota wants to see us happy.”
You see that her eyes are red, too, but you and Mateo don’t mention it. “My turn?” Mateo wipes his eyes and heads over to the headstone. You struggle to wipe your tears as Lennox places a hand on your shoulder.
“Sage…”
“You’re right. Dakota wouldn’t want to see us like this.”
\ After a while, it’s your turn with Dakota. You crouch down and touch Dakota’s photo again, tracing your fingers over the lines of their face and the curves of their lips you know so well. You close your eyes, and it’s almost like you can see Dakota standing before you, smiling that beautiful smile, running their fingers through their hair. “I’ll be back soon,” you whisper. “I love you. Present tense.” A breeze washes over you, and you shiver. The cold reminds you that it’s time to go, though you wish you could stay longer. But what you wish most of all, every day when you wake up and every night when you fall asleep is.. “I wish we had more time, Dakota. I’m dying to see you again.”
You sigh, then stand and walk away to join your friends. You’ve nearly reached them when you look back at the headstone, and you swear you can make out a hazy figure, standing among the flowers and the grass, looking every bit as gorgeous as the last time you saw them. You blink, and it’s gone. You smile, eyes pricking with tears. “Keep watching over us, okay, Dakota?”
You got it, Teach.
You walk over to Mateo and Lennox. “Finally,” Lennox says. “We were about to leave you behind.”
“You wouldn’t.” You give Lennox your best mock pout. “Oh, I definitely will. And stop it. That puppy dog face only works on Dakota, not me.” Your heart lifts at the way she used the present tense.
Mateo puts his arms around you and Lennox. “Come on. There’s a Dakota Special with my name written all over it.” You chuckle as you make your way out of the memorial park, a bright, lone star in the night sky guiding your path.
Fin
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I don’t know if anyone will even read this, but I mostly wrote this for myself and for the handful of people who seemed interested in the megathread. I hope you liked my dark epilogue. Credits to PB for the characters. This is the first story I’ve ever written. I don’t have experience with writing stories, much less writing about grief, but I hope I did it and the characters some justice. All criticism and comments are welcome. Thank you for reading. 😊

Over the month of December I posted two songs per day in the Daily Discussion threads (one single and one album track (mostly)) that I felt went unnoticed by most people but would potentially be enjoyed, and this is a compilation of those write-ups.
There’s a definite pop focus but I picked these tracks with an ear for diversity of sound/artistry so there’s quite a few different things going on here and some picks that might make you roll your eyes, but I think there’s something for everyone!
Here is a Spotify playlist that compiles all the songs but a walkthrough of the playlist is below.
FFO = "For Fans Of"

Singles:

“Pink Pony Club” by Chappell Roan

• FFO: Taylor Swift

This an excellent example of using music to further storytelling: it begins with this almost old-western sounding piano line that slowly climbs as Chappell describes her small-town dreams, which are abruptly cut off by sparse, pulsing synths as she describes her apprehensions, only for the thrilling full arrangement to kick in once she overcomes her fears during the chorus. And all of this slaps, of course, the production on this track is fantastic and there’s even two triumphant electric guitar solos!

”Dirty Nikes” by Ruth B.

• FFO: Alessia Cara

Ruth B.’s first foray into r&b the song is strikingly minimalist, it’s mostly just a drum beat with some sparse piano chords and Ruth’s ghostly voice lilting gently. It’s a total vibe that fits the melancholy air she’s going for and helps put the focus on the melody, which is packed with unassuming hooks and a lot of simple but memorable lines.

“Boys!” by Bronze Avery

• FFO: Troye Sivan

On the off-chance that any of you are into dudes you might relate to this track, which is a sun kissed synthpop ode to boy craziness. It’s a short song (only about two and a half minutes long) but it does exactly what it sets out to do, which is provide a nice little jolt of gayness to your day. The synth pads and sleepy melody are easy on the ears, Bronze brings a bit of steaminess to the track with his coy delivery, and if you can hold back from shouting out “BOYS!” with the chorus then you’re a stronger person than I am.

“Love You Less” by tv room

• FFO: Selene Gomez

There’s a fairly straightforward pop song here but tv room choses to drown the song in reverb and synths that sound like they were taken from a video game loading screen to create this wall of music that you can just bash your head against, but like, in a fun way. It’s almost hypnotic, there’s something so soothing about putting this on and just hearing him repeat that sticky chorus over and over as the bass pounds in your ears.

“Cash Rules” by iyla (feat. Method Man)

• FFO: Caroline Polachek

“Trap based r&b with some jazzy inflection” has become iyla’s signature style and it’s never sounded so good, the plunking synths and surprisingly complex vocal arrangement really give this track a unique feeling. iyla does double duty rapping the verses and singing the chorus and she nails both parts, she’s got this way of having both poise and swag that’s really fun to listen to; she gets an assist from legendary rapper Method Man who provides a great counterpoint to iyla’s portions. As usual iyla is serving visuals as well and the opulent video is super #aesthetic and really elevates the song.

“Everything Sounds Like A Love Song” by X Ambassadors

• FFO: Hozier

Driven by a piano and backed by trumpets, drums, and strings, there’s an old school feel to this song (appropriate seeing as the lyrics reference artists like Aretha Franklin and Marvin Gaye) that really captures the vibe that they’re going for. The frontman is hollering at the top of his lungs–it turns out the top of his lungs is a very high place because the notes he hits are very impressive–and you can hear the other two pouring their hearts out through their instruments as well. As someone who’s maybe had an experience with a breakup or two, this song gets it.

“cover girl” by joan

• FFO: NYSNC

It feels like we’re having a big revival of ‘90s/‘00s culture right now and if you were waiting for the nostalgia machine to churn out some cheesy boy band songs, here you go. Mimicking Max Martin produced bubblegum pop sound that was driving the kids wild at the turn of the millenium, “cover girl” sounds like it was ripped straight from the soundtrack of a guilty pleasure teen romance movie. The “it’s all about you girl” lyrics are vapid in the most charming way and the boys nail the vocal delivery and instrumentation as well.

“All Night” by Afrojack (feat. Ally Brooke)

• FFO: Kylie Minogue

All of the collaborations Ally has released this year were varying degrees of good but “All Night” was one of the first and still probably the best. Ally sounds great and the production here really slaps, the heavy prechorus that builds into that drop that just makes you want to jump all over the room… they aren’t lying when they say they’ll keep you dancing all night.

“Just Friends” by Audrey Mika

• FFO: Kim Petras

And the award for best use of a sound effect in a pop song in 2020 goes to: the bubble popping sound effect in this song. Like a fizzy soda pop this song is sugary and incredibly addictive, one of those pop songs that decides that it doesn’t need anything other than hooks, killer melodies, and a bomb chorus. It’s repetitive enough that it’s easy to listen to but it’s paced very well so it never feels boring, plus there are all sorts of little quirks to the production that give it character.

“Save Myself” by VINCINT

• FFO: MIKA

I associate VINCINT with his huge vocal range and flamboyant pop stylings, and both are on full display here. “Save Myself” is a high energy electropop that’s got a thumping house beat and some nice verses but really, it’s all about that chorus. The song just explodes as he lifts his voice (hitting some very impressive notes) to boldly declare the title of the song, with a nice little falsetto hook thrown in there for good measure. It’s a big, no holds barred, unapologetic anthem of a track with a positive message too: it’s okay to want other people, but at the end of the day you can always count on yourself.

“Ya No Quieres Quererme” by Princess Alba

• FFO: Jessie Ware

A super cute little track based around shimmering synths, it’s a bright and girlish song with a hook of this song that’s incessantly catchy regardless of language. The title/hook of the song (roughly translated) means “You Don’t Want To Love Me” and the track is easy to get a grasp on even if you don’t understand the lyrics thanks to Alba’s clear voice and emotive performance. A chief example of “if this song were by a bigger artist it would be a hit.”

“Chasing Rainbows” by Big Freedia/Kesha

• FFO: Kesha?

The key to understanding bounce music is fairly simple: it’s just fun! There’s a brief moment of “huh?” but if you surrender to it you’ll be bopping your head, stomping your feet, and shaking your ass. Freedia obviously knows how to turn the party and she’s in top form here, oozing charisma as she barks out those classic Freedia bars; Kesha’s more melodic chorus is a nice counterpoint (especially once they start singing together). This is just such a happy, uplifting track about how queer people will always come out on top and everyone else can just deal with it!

“Smash Thru” by nelward (feat. Adron)

• FFO: Bridgit Mendler

nelward is known for his rather unusual off-the-wall production but on his latest EP he toned it down for a more subdued synthpop sound that highlights the bones of his songwriting and lyrical finesse. His lyrics twist together metaphors, strange turns of phrase, and personal anecdotes that both dance around and cut straight to the hard truths that his songs are about. There’s a nice contrast between his rougher voice on the heavier verses (which are candid explorations of something that sounds like depression) and Adron’s clear voice on the chorus (which encourages us to “smash thru” the things holding us back), and and when paired with the cool synth pads it results in a very “cleansing” track that’s uplifting despite the darker subject matter.

“Little Spider” by ULTRA HAPPY ALARM

• FFO: Aqua

So technically this came out four years ago but the album it’s on only came out this year and really it’s a timeless song so I’m mentioning it because it slaps. It’s over-the-top cloying yet also weirdly dark and aggressively horny; in other words, a perfect homage to long dead bubblegum dance genre. Eurodance beats and sugary, heavily autotuned vocals give it that classic ‘90s sound but she still makes it feel relevant with a strong melody and deceptively clever lyrics. This is tooth rotting.

“Lonely In Tokyo” by Mirei

• FFO: Sunmi

A combination r&b/dance pop song, this song has an amazing chorus that’ll get you bopping your head… but the bopping becomes a little bit unsettling when you really start to listen to the story she tells in the lyrics about the dangers and toxicity of Japan’s idol system. Over a hypnotic dance groove she strips back the glamor of the music industry and paints a picture of a city where everyone is lonely and everything is fake; it feels very poignant.

“Candy” by WOLFTYLA

• FFO: Ariana Grande

You might recognize pop/r&b girl WOLFTYLA from being one of the vocalists featured on the K/DA mini album dropped earlier this year, but her solo music is really good as well. A cut from her debut EP, “Candy” is that flirty, girly kind of pop-r&b that I eat up like… well like candy. Timbaland did the production on this track so you know it’s good, a veritable candy store of synths, beats, and quirky little hooks with an old school flair that satisfies the nostalgia sweet tooth, and they cooked up an ear worm of a chorus too!

”Lucifer Waiting” by Angelica Garcia

• FFO: Grimes

“Lucifer Waiting” is something of a reggaeton/rock combo that layers grimy guitars and drums over a reggaeton beat, but mere description can’t capture the wild energy of this track. It’s got a freaky sound that pairs well with the lyrics that are full of fun, witchy imagery as she describes the evil that manifests around us in our lives; evil that we ultimately overcome through our inner strength. Angelica wails her way through the track like she’s having an exorcism herself, and the way she just attacks the song vocally is really cool.

”Creep” by DEQN SUE

• FFO: Janelle Monáe

DEQN SUE’s trademark is quirky pop with unusual lyrics and while usually this manifests itself in her going crazy and over the top, she goes in the exact opposite direction here to interesting results. With the sparse, repetitive strings here’s a focused intensity to this song that feels almost trance-like, and it helps sell the “stalker with a crush” vibe she’s going for. If someone staring at you for an uncomfortably long period of time had a sound, it might sound something like this.

“Almost Home” by mxmtoon

• FFO: Kacey Musgraves

“Almost Home” is yet another song that romanticizes being young and free but it treats the subject with a more tender touch that I appreciate, quiet car rides home at night like the one she describes were a truly sacred experience and she completely does them justice. Hearing her croon the chorus of this song as that toy piano tinkles in the background is so incredibly calming, it always makes me feel like somehow everything is gonna be okay.

“Intruders” by Jessie Reyez

• FFO: Rihanna

Jessie is known for her raw, powerful vocals but she makes her voice like the edge of a knife here, a taut razor wire that’s hanging in the air ready to slice you to ribbons if you dare to cross her or try to take what’s hers. The gentle, contemplative vibe of the music and her performance contrasts with the overtly violent lyrics in a really interesting way, she feels so singular and self assured in her mission. The animated music video, which features conquistador lookalikes slaughtering the man Jessie loves, adds another layer of meaning to the song by transforming it into a critique of colonialism.

““Honeymoon Fades” by Sabrina Carpenter

• FFO: Kehlani

Just like the single cover art “Honeymoon Fades” is a silky and a tad smoky, a jazzy little number that ’s very laid back and perfect to vibe along with. R&B is a sound that suits Sabrina very well (I don’t think she’s a powerhouse but her tone is lovely) and she’s really feeling herself and the lyrics here, this is another great step in her musical growth.

“Pretty Lies” by Run River North

• FFO: Walk the Moon

This song feels like it should be in a promo for some edgy Pretty Little Liars-esque young adult show, and that’s a compliment! It’s got a sense of personal drama to it, a catchy chorus that’s poetically “deep,” and we all love that ’10s rock-tinged-but-radio-friendly-indie sound. The syncopated rap verse in the middle is a fresh addition to the old formula though, and I really like the lyrics. The theme of clinging to “pretty lies” out of fear of what would come after change is very relatable, and the music video they shot in the empty streets of LA under lockdown gives the song an extra ominous vibe.

“Fixerupper” by Tayla Parx

• FFO: Mariah Carey

Tayla Parx toys around with traditional notions of genre and structure to create songs that sometimes feel a bit like a collection of parts, but these parts are so good and they’re strung together so well that it just works. “Fixerupper” is a particularly noticeable example of this: there’s a stark contrast between the verses (which rely almost entirely on percussion and staccato lines), the prechorus (which is centered around strings and a smooth vocal line), and the actual chorus (which falls somewhere in the middle) but they work together beautifully. The lyrics, which see her warning a lover that she’s going to need some help reaching her potential, are very nice too.

“I Believe In Santa” by Meghan Trainor

• FFO: Meghan Trainor

“I Believe In Santa” kicks off with a traditional sounding choral section that feels a little bit scary and then with a maniacal laugh the trap drums kick in and suddenly she’s (vaguely threateningly) rapping about the magic of Christmas. Part of what makes the song so good is the way that it avoids typical Christmas music cliches: despite the incredibly festive lyrics the production is fairly straightforward trap-pop, and it’s good production too. And then there’s the music video, which features Jojo Siwa decked out in Party City couture and breakdancing with Santa!

“Pretend” by Queen Naija

• FFO: Ariana Grande

I’m always a sucker for a mid-tempo r&b ballad with strings but “Pretend,” a confessional song about Queen Naija’s troubled relationship with love, is a particularly nice one. There’s actually a pretty hefty backstory to this song and its music video considering the somewhat troubled past Queen has had, but even without knowing all the details you can really hear that this song is coming from something real. The lyrics and the pain in her voice are genuine, and on top of that she sounds so beautiful and the song flows smooth as water.

“Don’t Kill The Wave” by Ric Wilson/Terrace Martin

• FFO: Doja Cat

“Don’t Kill The Wave” captures a great combo of rap and disco because it’s about one thing that both genres can agree on: grooving out. Bouncy synths position Ric as a dance floor mc who won’t tolerate anyone disrupting the flow of the vibe, and it sounds so fresh and fun I doubt there’ll be much argument. He’s got a lot of insistently catchy one-liners in there and the chorus is a lot of fun to sing along to, if we could still have parties like the one depicted in the video this would probably go off at one of them.

“Chasing Amy” by Teamarrr

• FFO: SZA

Teamarr really goes in with the lyrics of this song, they’re rambling but she paints such a painful picture of being insecure that I find myself relating despite how intensely personal the song feels. The chaotic behavior she describes is reflected in the unpredictable production, which full of speaker pounding bass that throws some extra power behind her keening voice. It’s harsh but it suits the confessional style that she’s going for, and it feels very current.

“Boy, You Can Keep It” by Alex Newell

• FFO: Dua Lipa

Alex Newell’s voice was just made to wail over pounding dance production and no matter how many times he releases some variation of this song I’ll keep listening to it. I think this is one of his finest tracks yet, it’s a sassy kiss-off track that’s in-your-face enough to be a bop yet also short enough to have a ton of replay value. The beat is catchy, there’s that dolphin whistle flute that I enjoy, and Alex’s voice is as thrilling as ever.

“Banjo” by Bebe Zahara Benet

• FFO: Shakira

Although most people probably associate the banjo with American bluegrass/folk/country, the instrument actually has its roots in West Africa, which is what Bebe is referencing here as she offers advice on how to “play” her. It’s a tangy Afrobeat dance track that gets especially cool towards the end when the vocals drop out and it just starts to vibe.

“Trên Tình Bạn Dưới Tình Yêu” by MIN

• FFO: Zara Larsson

There’s some clear Kpop influence in the video but the song itself is distinct from that style, despite the maximalist production it feels fairly subdued (without sacrificing on having an incredibly catchy chorus). The song sounds so chirpy and her voice is very sweet, but there’s understated drama to the story described in the lyric that grant a slight air of bittersweetness which prevents it from being too cloying. It also comes with one of my favorite music videos of the year!

“Heat Death (Hold Me Here)” by Sister Species

• FFO: Mitski

“And the inevitable heat death of the universe / plays out in the background / of our lives” goes the instantly memorable chorus, the centerpiece of this brassy rock track from indie band Sister Species. The horns and percussion that are insistent and honestly a bit claustrophobic at times, as if they’re the looming heat death that’s slowly closing in, and it’s both evocative and a treat for the ears. The lyrics are strong and I like the theme of not letting the inevitability of demise prevent us from being there for each other; it’s fatalistic and life-affirming at the same time.

”Just Be Competent” by russelbuck

• FFO: SOPHIE

A flip on Sidney Gish’s “Imposter Syndrome, the original is already a pretty great song but russelbuck tears it apart and reassembles it into a piece of ear candy by shortening the length and leaning into utter chaos. The angst of the original song is twisted into pure mania, a cartoon battleground of crashing electronic beats and cartoon sound effects that Gish’s voice dances through gleefully. It’s the kind of song that makes my teeth vibrate and sets my hair on edge, if that makes sense, but I think that's just what I needed this year.

Deep Cuts:

“I’m Ready” by IV Jay

• FFO: Sabrina Carpenter

The smooth r&b groove with jazz stylings over the top makes for some really wonderful sounds and there’s something just so natural about the flow of the melody and the lyrics; everything is just as if it were meant to be. At the center of it all we have IV Jay’s warm, smoky voice, which is the perfect vessel for the song. It’s a subtly sad song as she muses over whether or not to leave some scrub, and by extension whether she’ll ever find love, but it’s that Sunday afternoon chill-out kind of sad that’s more just idle self-reflection than anything else.

”Hello Hello Hello” by Remi Wolf

• FFO: Misterwives

I love Remi Wolf’s music because she’s just a lightning bolt of energy, she’s not scared to be loud and a little bit weird because she’s got the charm and the catchiness to make it all work. Everything about this track is so colorful, from the production to Remi’s delivery to the silly little story the lyrics spell out. She sounds so sassy when she delivers that deliriously fun “hello hello hello” hook, scooping the word upwards as if she’s mocking this man for thinking he’s pulling one over on her. It’s just a blast to listen to and the EP it comes from is nonstop fun as well, definitely keep your eye on her.

“Universe” by Ambar Lucid

• FFO: Lana del Rey

Blending psych-pop with rock and even a hint of disco, this cut from Ambar Lucid’s fantastic debut album conjures up hypnotic swirls of music built out of thrumming guitar strings and skittering drum beats that explode into one of the best choruses of the year. There’s a grimy, almost “witchy” air around this track as Ambar croons about how she’s so overflowing with power that no one can ever hope to contain her, and her defiant refrain on the chorus is instantly memorable and has kept me coming back to this track time and time again.

“Paradise (Stay Forever)” by Epoch ft. Fiona Lynch

• FFO: Utada Hikaru

When Paradise Killer was released earlier this year to rave reviews many critics specifically praised its soundtrack, and rightfully so because it’s an incredible collection of synthwave music that really elevate the otherworldly aesthetic of the game. This is the only song on the soundtrack with lyrics, but it’s a real doozy. Sounding “futuristic” in that delightfully ‘80s way, this almost city-pop tune a highly stylized banger from start to finish. The lyrics vaguely relate to the story of the game but mostly they’re just cool-sounding nonsense that heighten the mood as you drink in the slick grooves, sassy vocals, and (naturally) that saxophone solo.

“I Don’t Want To Know” by Jessica Law

• FFO:

A quirky little tune that blends medieval sounding folk with, of all things, doo-wop, “I Don’t Want To Know” really stood out on this album for its catchy melody and quirky lyrics. It’s equal parts petty and self-pitying and the blend is actually kind of hilarious, Jessica clearly and fun writing in Bradamante’s brash voice because she went all out with the melodramatic wordplay. I promise you, this will be the only song I talk about this month where the lead instrument is a mandolin.

“Constellation” by Powderpaint

• FFO: Kylie Minogue

Powderpaint were one of my favorite discoveries of the year and I’m not going to stop screaming into the internet void to tell people to check out their self-titled EP because it’s nonstop fun and a great collection of queer anthems. “’80s synthpop” is kinda becoming played out in the pop scene but they manage to make it sound exciting again with a hefty dose of energy and fresh lyrical themes. “Constellation” is a great example of this, the melodies in this song are wonderful and play off of the intricate synth work beautifully, plus the song climaxes in a spoken word/rapped bridge which is a rallying call to arms to defy toxic relationships/societal norms and instead Powderpaint in their constellation of fabulously liberated folks.

“My Whole Life” by Alina Baraz

• FFO: Ariana Grande

A soft, string driven track with a gorgeous melody, the lyrics are so romantic and Alina’s voice is so velvety and it just melts me. Though it isn’t quite explicit there’s clearly painful background to the lyrics and the longing in her voice feels rather pointed, and so it’s as if this love is helping her to rise above it all. A great opener for a great album.

“Sea Cryptid Love Song” by 2 Mello

• FFO: Mac Miller

This is a chill little track that sounds slightly funky and really pretty (the dude’s tender, slightly rough vocals are very pleasant to listen to) but it gets bonus points from me for the lyrical content. A love song AND a song about sea monsters? It’s like a Venn diagram of my interests. I’ve seen people compare it to The Gorillaz and I’m not a fan so I can’t comment on that but I’ll trust the YouTube comments.

“Don’t Waste Your Time On Love” by Sondre Lerche

• FFO: Surfjan Stevens

This song is a plea from Sondre to a lover to, of all things, abandon him because they’re too good for him. There’s no real poetic language in this song but the straightforwardness of the lyrics is effective in a different way because it makes him sound so… resigned. He sighs his way through the lyrics, his voice even giving out in the middle of some lines as if he can’t bear to go on. But then partway through the song there’s a shift and we start getting some major chords and heartier vocals and it feels like the song ends on a strangely warm and hopeful note? Perhaps we’re meant to believe that his plea has been rejected and this person has decided to stay with him.

““Bury Me (with all my $$)” by FEMM

• FFO: Charli XCX

With 404 Not Found FEMM found the perfect balance between their forward thinking electro pop and a new hip-hop sound, and this track was my favorite. It’s a dark ode to hedonism and grabbing everything you can; it sounds like something a super villain would release. With scary piano chords that tinkle ominously over the track and feel slightly out of synch with the hard trap beats and their low/heavy rapping, it feels like the song is falling apart as you listen to it.

“PLEASE BE NICE” by Black Dresses

• FFO: 100 Gecs

“Please Be Nice” is an impassioned plea for people to be nicer to each other on the internet, and it’s as truthful as it is hilarious. The clanking, stuttering, almost industrial production (was this recorded using a broken computer?) is a wall of noise that feels surprisingly great to listen to, and the chorus is unexpectedly great to sing along with. Sometimes after a long day I listen to this and just scream “I’M A PERSON PLEASE BE NICE” and it makes me feel so much better.

“Farewell Wanderlust” by The Amazing Devil

• FFO: The Oh Hellos

“Farewell Wanderlust” is a song about falling into… not even mediocrity but just apathetic complacency, a song about losing the fire that once motivated you but not really having enough comfort in your life to fill the void that it left behind. Both of the vocalists do an incredible job here, flitting effortlessly between thunderous wails and searing whispers (cleverly matched to the instrumentation, which switches between a cappella/solo piano/full orchestra), and they fill every syllable with meaning. The pacing of the track is great and there are plenty of memorable one liners on the way to a harrowing conclusion.

“Car Crash” by Haiku Hands

• FFO: Gwen Stefani

Been in a very nostalgic mood lately and it made me think about this song, which is about friendships that remain close to the heart even when you aren’t that close anymore. It’s a heartfelt ode to friendship with a thrumming bassline for a pulse; it starts slow and low but by the end it achieves liftoff. Haiku Hands’s sing-songy spoken word style lends itself to ballads just as well as it does dance tracks and it really brings out the simple honesty and vulnerability in the lyrics, especially in the second verse.

“Raakh” by Arijit Singh

• FFO: MUNA

You can always count on a Bollywood film to deliver a great song or two and this one definitely stuck out for me because it’s a lovely guitar driven ballad with a gorgeous (insidiously catchy) melody. The lyrics are in Hindi but the gist of them is “love is love” and while the song works beautifully in the context of the film, I think the message is clear enough to be appreciated by anyone. More gay Bollywood ballads please!

“On The Moon” by Adam Lambert

• FFO: Demi Lovato

While Adam Lambert’s new album Velvet (blended the electropop sounds of his earlier works with a more mature funk/soul sound) has plenty of ballads and high energy, high belting tracks. the track that most sticks out for me is one of the most subdued. With those stuttering trap drums and the more low-key melodic vibe of the song, “On The Moon” almost feels like an r&b track and it’s a surprisingly good fit for Adam. He sings with a breathy tone that makes his voice sound particularly silky, and he really brings the heat to this steamy sex jam that uses space imagery to convey his desire.

“SOS” by MAX

• FFO: Mika

Half of the songs on Colour Vision had featured artists on them and all of them were dropped as singles so I was worried that the solo tracks might be lackluster or something but NOPE they’re some of the best on a very strong album. “SOS” is a low-key song but when you pay attention to what’s happening in the production it’s surprisingly maximalist; it feels super fresh and polished. The star of the track is MAX’s voice though, he plays it coy at the start of the song (his performance is very tender, he almost sounds breathless with wonder) but by the end he’s slamming those falsetto notes like he’s Mariah.

“Happier For You” by CAM

• FFO: Miranda Lambert

It doesn’t surprise me at all to know that Sam Smith co-wrote this track because it has their fingerprints all over it, and when their brand of melancholy blue-eyed soul meets Cam’s story driven country stylings the result is a gut wrenchingly sad song. Cam places herself into the shoes of a woman who’s watching someone she’s in love with get married to someone else and she doesn’t pull a single punch, perfectly capturing the complex emotions of the situation. During the chorus she promises “one day I’ll be happier for you” but you can just hear it in her voice that there’s no comfort in the thought.

”Superstar” by AIKA (feat. TOFIE)

• FFO: Anime

The fact that the only videos I can find of this song on YouTube are uploaded by EDM channels that use pictures of anime waifus in their videos should tell you everything you need to know, but like, in a good way! Producer AIKA and singer TOFIE have worked together several times before and their sounds always mesh well, but “Superstar” is probably their best collaboration yet. The track is around five minutes long but they make great use of all of that time, TOFIE’s sugary voice keening over AIKA’s all encompassing ear candy beats just feels so good to listen to, and that house drop is to die for.

”I Confess My Love” by Keiynan Lonsdale

• FFO: Sam Smith

A synthpop song with funky, thumping production that tells the story of a broken relationship, and the lyrics do a great job of creating a fully fleshed out situation that feels grounded in truth. He airs out his grievances to his distant partner but as the song wears on it becomes clear that perhaps his own interest isn’t the healthiest either, which brings us to a satisfying climax on the bridge. I like his vocals on this track, he’s got an interesting singing voice that’s not afraid to get weird or ugly and you can tell he’s really feeling the things he’s singing about.

”Shipwrecked On The Moon” by Linus From The Stars

• FFO: Owl City

This song tells a very silly story but Linus commits to the bit and finds all of the different shades of the situation, managing to highlight the adventure and comedy inherent to being stuck on the moon while also touching upon some genuine pathos. It’s an impressive bit of storytelling (even if the lyrics are a bit clunky at times) but it’s also a really fun pop song as well, his melodies are very “in your face” and the chirpy (almost calypso?) beats feel great to the ear.

“TSA” by Tank and the Bangas (ft. PJ Morton)

• FFO: Noname

This song is LITERALLY just Tank and the Bangas getting together with PJ Morton to complain about airport security confiscating liquids. The silliness works though, Tank is a gifted vocalist/lyricist who can make anything interesting (she definitely proved that with this one) and PJ Morton sounds great, so it’s nice to hear them just having fun together in this spacey funk/soul track.

“I’m In Love” by Angela Muñoz & Adrian Younge

• FFO: Amy Winehouse

Angela Muñoz’s songwriting is at its core very old-school but Adrian Younge’s production is very futuristic and when the two sounds come together the results feel very forwards thinking. It’s like she’s a lounge singer on a UFO, crooning an old standard about love as they whizz through the cosmos. Angela gives a great performance that ensures that the spacey synths and cavernous drums never distract from her soulful voice.

“Don’t Leave Me In The Dark” by LVCRFT (ft. Morgan McMy-Kill Meyers)

• FFO: Kim Petras

Musical supergroup LVCRFT tapped a lot of names for this album but probably the most surprising inclusion was drag queen Morgan McMichaels, who pops up on this electro pop track to drop some fun rap verses. Their somewhat unusual delivery and memorable lyrics (which reference a lot of horror movie cliches) give this track a nice flavor to pair with that catchy chorus and spoooooky dance production.

“On My Way” by CHIKA

• FFO: Kehlani

CHIKA’s rapid fire flow is impressive and she’s a very intelligent lyricist, but more than that she’s got a ton of heart and soul that really comes through in her music. Take “On My Way” for instance, which is a tender ode to a girl back home she misses while she’s on tour. The strings and “adult contemporary” production give the track a very sappy, romantic feel, but her feelings seem so genuine that it never becomes cloying; it’s refreshing to hear a song that offers up this kind of vulnerability.

“From The Gallows” by IDKHOWBUTTHEYFOUNDME

• FFO: Panic! At the Disco

This kind of melodramatic vaudevillian emo pop-rock has such a specific vibe that’s hard to describe (“edgy” falls short of its full appeal) but if you know, you know. And IDKHOWBUTTHEYFOUNDME know. They capture the smooth talking musicality of old school crooners in the song but then apply it to maniacal lyrics in which they describe an abject desire to hurt themselves in order to impress a distant paramour. It’s both troubling and a little bit sexy, which is a great combo.

“Bad Advice” by Ingrid Andress

• FFO: Maren Morris

It's not exceptionally common for a song on a commercial album to try to be funny, but hearing Ingrid's self-deprecating descriptions of the increasingly bad decisions she makes in an attempt to get over her ex manages to get at least a quirk of the mouth from me. She hired a string quartet to play on this song to make it sound more “classy” as an ironic contrast to the decidedly unclassy lyrics, but despite how plainspoken they are there’s still some great storytelling and wit in them (especially when delivered with Ingrid's brassy country twang).

“Hot” by Marisa Maino

• FFO: Avril Lavigne

Have you ever been listening to a song from the ‘00s/’10s where a girl tries to say something about a guy by putting down another woman and thought to yourself “wow this is a bop, but I wish there wasn’t so much internalized misogyny?” Well Marisa Maino has got you covered with “Hot,” in which she spends three and a half minutes singing about how cool her loser ex’s new girlfriend is. It’s a pretty funny song and a nice spin on an old formula, which does wonders to make the throwback ’00s pop-rock sound feel fresh again. She’s got a pretty nice voice too, very lively.

“Hood Living” by RILEY/BJ The Chicago Kid

• FFO: Summer Walker

RILEY is a fantastic storyteller, honest about the darker side of life in “the hood” while still illuminating the brighter parts. Adding to the nostalgic tint is the throwback hip-hop/r&b sound she uses, which always sounds good but suits her voice particularly well. BJ the Chicago Kid is another nice addition, and their chemistry brings the track up another level. It's not the type of music I expected Amber Riley to release (I assumed she'd do ballads) but it's pretty great.

“Was It All In My Head?” by Olivia O’Brien

• FFO: Halsey

Olivia O’Brien released a lot of great songs this year, I don’t know what they put in her water but she provided a steady stream of bold, melody focused ‘00s flavored synthpop that all hit right; “Was It All In My Head?” in particular stood out thanks to the addition of some electric guitar, which was a nice touch that gave the song some extra meat on its bones. Vaguely self-pitying songs and songs about trifling boys are basically Olivia’s “thing” at this point so she feels right on this track; it’s catchy, fun, and relatable… textbook Olivia at this point.

”As Hell” by CHANMINA

• FFO: Ella Mai

This feels like the most firmly r&b thing CHANMINA has released (most of her music leans towards either pop or rap) and it fits her gritty voice well, as well as her brand of being moody/sexy. One thing that I like about her music is that the tone and intention is very clear even if you can’t understand the lyrics, and she drops enough f-bombs during the chorus that you can kinda get the gist of what’s happening here. The honeyed beats are nice to listen too regardless.

”the Aerialist (Wonderboy)” by GWSN

• FFO: LOONA

GWSN have a very futuristic dance-pop sound, but they fuse it here with jazzy piano/guitar and it’s such a sleek, stylish blend. It creates such a dreamy atmosphere, and the melody soars and dances as if it’s the titular aerialist flying through the universe. Adding to this is the way that the vocalists dance around each other and throw in sneaky little harmonies and ad libs means that the song is constantly full of delights! Really hope this group gets some more attention soon.
Hope you all enjoyed and found something you liked. Also if you want more here’s the post I did for this series last year! Once again, I encourage all of you to embark on similar projects of your own, it's really fun to share!