After 80 hours of playing on PS5, I got my platinum trophy.
Cyberpunk 2077 is really good, albeit pretty buggy, throughout my playthrough on PS5, my game crashed probably 50+ times but I wasn't too mad as I manually saved frequently and any progress blocking bugs were fixed after a quick load of a checkpoint.
I played as a Male Street Kid V and I didn't mind his VO, there were times where he came off as kind of a try-hard tough guy but It honestly felt charmingly dorky because of the moments where V is just being himself and isn't being that dorky try-hard; And while the life-paths ultimately didn't impact anything major, I enjoyed the flavor dialog you get when the life-path exclusive options pop up, some even opened up different way of completing certain quests, which I thought was pretty neat.
The gameplay felt good to me after some tinkering around with the sensitivity options, I mainly just used power weapons and only really used Skippy as a Smart weapon and I really liked how punchy the sound of guns were; melee was fine for an fps game, though I didn't like how magnetized some of the enemies attacks were, so regardless if you dodged, you still risked a hit; parrying felt weird, I feel like it only worked half the time and when it did, it was when I was nowhere near for a good hit; kinda wish there was some kind of grappling to mix things up between light and heavy attacks.
Looting, I felt had issues, I always grabbed something that was way far off to the side of the thing I was actually trying to grab, it was even worse when it was a gun under a body where you had to find a sweet spot to grab it.
I rarely dabbled in crafting if only to get Comrade's Hammer and Overwatch to Legendary but there are things I hope they add in the future, mainly batch crafting for things like ammo and grenades rather than holding square for 10 minutes just to have a decent amount, also a counter to see how much of that item you already have would definitely be helpful for things like ammo crafting.
I REALLY wished this game had more to offer in terms of customization, there was no customization options for vehicles, for guns you only really get scopes and muzzles for things that appear on certain weapons along with mods which are purely for stats, there's so many decent options for outfits but you tend to be forced into having clothes that look bad but have better stats and mod slots and not something that's cool to you, hopefully transmog gets added along with barber shops and plastic surgeons. Also, a little nitpick of mine, but the lack of cloth physics on coats for V was kinda sad, its definitely possible as River and Takemura's coats have physics applied to them, maybe its just a PS4 version issue and it'll be something they might add with the next-gen version but I honestly doubt it.
Cars handled fine for me and I really liked the look and feel of some of the cars, even the more luxurious cars that I tend to avoid in most open world games. In the beginning, the driving felt like a more manageable, better handling version of GTA IV but as I got better with it, it clicked to me, its JUST Saint Row 2's driving which I really liked because I feel like SR2 has the best driving controls in any open world game.
Night City and the Badlands were really masterfully created, each area had their own style that really appealed to me and I look forward to how much better they can look in the next-gen version; I can't say I have any areas that I would consider my favorite as I really enjoyed the map as a whole but there was nothing that really grabbed me like the West End in Vampyr for example.
The story was REALLY FUCKING GOOD! All of the characters felt real and really fit with the character of V, I really liked how much V grows throughout the story from being a cocky street kid to someone who cares about the people close to him but is scared of his situation.
Johnny starts as an obnoxious asshole but you can definitely tell that V changes him to be a better person (at least in my game), and you start to sympathize with his actions and reasonings and he becomes a really likeable and funny character in most of the side missions; And his ending where he takes over V is just sad, loses the guy he was trying to save and Rouge, I interpreted that ending as Johnny getting a second chance at life he didn't want and while he probably doesn't want to ruin this second chance, he's more than likely mentally checked out and is just waiting for his time to come. Keanu did a really good job with Johnny and I honestly can't think of anyone who would have done a better job.
I really like Judy, she such a bittersweet character, she loses Evelyn, who she definitely had feelings for, tries to help the workers at Clouds but gets screwed over by someone with ulterior motives and as an end result decides to leave NC, looking for her happiness, and judging from her texts and ending message, she does. (except the Suicide ending, loses the girl she had feeling for and one of her closest friends both to suicide, even though I romanced Panam, Judy's message hit the hardest and was incredibly sad)
Panam, in my opinion, on top of being a great character in general, has the best romanceable storyline in a video game, with Jack from ME2 being a close 2nd; the whole relationship dynamic between Panam and V felt natural and made you feel invested in the character, from two people reluctantly paired together by Rouge due to similar objectives and keeping things strictly professional even when V awkwardly flirts with her, and you start to get closer and become friends when you help her with Aldecaldo problems, but then "With a little help from my friends" happens, the "follow your impulses" comment that V makes that Panam follows through with later on was an interesting way of V giving her hints on his feelings, the biggest moment that completely sells the relationship, happens during the campfire; early in the mission, V can talk about Jackie to which Panam will say "I'll remember that" AND BOY DOES SHE REMEMBER THAT, during the campfire, you can toast to Scorpion, an Aldecaldo who died earlier in the questline, everyone, including V toast to Scorpion... except Panam who says "to Jackie", that moment sold me on Panam as a love interest, she cares about V so much that she toasted to a guy she never met just off of the basis that V told her how close he and Jackie were and that he missed him, everything before that was nice but that was just the cherry on top, after that everything is just heart warming and cute as they both completely go all in on their relationship, and the Nomad ending reinforces this but I'll touch on that later.
River was really cool, I dug his character and questline (which is insanely fucked up, but really cool), I laughed when his sister was flirting with V and Rivers like "Nope, bro-code", he's also got a SICK coat.
I didn't like Kerry at first, he seemed like a complete douche, gets you to hijack and burn an band equipment van because someone was covering his song, then drags us into helping him intimidate Us Cracks who where just trying to pay homage and respect to him, after the moment where he understood and accepted that, he became a much better character; trashing the yacht was a pretty fun moment too.
Vik was basically the Uncle character, he cares about V but isn't afraid to hit him with reality, I immediately payed my tab as he deserved it IMO, the fact he also gives V a tip during the final Beat the Brat fight was cool given his history in boxing.
Misty is an absolute sweet heart, you bond with her over Jackie's death and you can tell how important she meant to him and vice-versa, getting her to bond with Mama Wells was neat too, her telling you stories about Jackie while your trying to find something for his memorial was really cool.
Takamura was cool, I dug the moments you can tell V's attitude rubbed off on him, even though you can tell that he's 100% Arasaka, I felt that he would accept you as a friend even if you have different opinions on Arasaka than him (he doesn't, tells you to burn in hell). That parade mission was really cool and the selfie he sends you, 10/10.
I wish we had more time with Jackie, he seemed like a really cool character and experiencing those moments of growth between Jackie and V and meeting Misty and Mama Wells would have been great and really would have made that moment with Panam feel even better had we had more time with Jackie in the beginning as the bond between Jackie and V would have meant more when he does unfortunately die.
The endings vary from absolutely depressing all the way to heartwarming and hopeful.
The suicide ending fucking sucks in the best way, V believing that killing himself is the best way of keeping those he cares about safe and ending his situation with Johnny, but the messages speak otherwise; Misty telling Vik to send a message as a way of coping, Mama Wells praying for you as she probably felt like she just lost two sons in V and Jackie, Judy... fucking hell man, couldn't imagine what was going through her head during that message, Panam's rage at realizing that the man she loved killed himself even though she offered to help him with his situation, River understanding as his previous partner suffered the same fate but also knows its incredibly sad that there's one less good person in NC, Kerry being pissed that V felt that suicide was the right choice as he probably understood as Kerry was in a similar situation and was disappointed V didn't know better and Misty being mournful.
I already touched on the Johnny ending, but I honestly feel bad for Johnny because he didn't ask for a second chance and now he has to live with V and Rogue's deaths on his conscience, on top of probably burning any and all bridges with V's friends and loved ones.
The Arasaka ending is some borderline horror shit, being trapped in space with a corp who's researching your condition with probable ulterior motives, having nightmares because of the repetitive testing, calling your friends who tell you they miss you and to come back home (though, Panam was pissed when I called her) and in the end you have two choices, sell your soul and become an engram for an unknown amount time to Arasaka who probably wont give a shit about you after that or go back to earth and wait out the remaining time you have left.
Become a legend of Night City but ultimately feel you have nothing to lose as you'll die soon anyway and take an offer from Mr. Blue Eyes (Who's incredibly sketchy) to rob a space casino for info he wants.
Nomad Ending is the best ending IMO, not only because I romanced Panam which made the ending even better (and I know that if Female V romances Judy, she joins the Aldecaldo's as well and is also a really good, feel good ending) but also because it left more opportunity for a DLC Expansion than the other endings as well as a satisfying ending to V's story as a whole; the night before the raid was really nice, testing out the new systems on the basilisk with Mitch and the bottle challenge with Cassidy were cool but that's all I could do as the rest of the activities during this were glitched, cuddling with Panam on the overlook was nice, her getting some stress off her chest and V reassuring Panam that he cares about her and will be there for her no matter what was really sweet; the raid was cool, I was hoping Mitch didn't die when he went back to pilot the basilisk solo and I'm glad he didn't die as I grew to like him as basically a Nomad Vik, Saul dying kinda sucked as he seemed to be cooling down his ego and wanting to work things out with Panam for the betterment of the Aldecaldos but Adam stomping his head in was funny, at least Rouge got to blow him up before she dies in Johnny's ending; the moment at the Dam between V and Panam was nice, V saying that he's glad he met Panam and the Aldecaldos and that he has nothing left in Night City, and the moment with them on top of the basilisk was cute; the messages were nice during this ending, though I was kinda disappointed Judy has the same message for all of the non-suicide endings, Misty's Tarot reading message is incredibly important as to why I think Nomad is the best ending, there's already a bunch of threads that touch on that but it definitely says a lot when its the only ending that gives V a shred of a chance that he might cure his disease and survive.
Overall, I really enjoyed my time with Cyberpunk 2077, I'd probably place it as my second game of the year (with Tony Hawk's Pro-Skater 1+2 being my personal GOTY) due to bugs but I know In due time that the game will be something really great by the end of its life span and i hope that if a Cyberpunk 2 does happen, it'll be even better than Cyberpunk 2077; I haven't been able to get this game out of my head since I started playing it and I cannot wait to do this all over again when the PS5 version and all the DLC's come out.

Word count is 4,700
Would like to be credited as “mrmills45” if featured
This is a direct sequel to the story I wrote titled “There’s A Reason We Fear The Dark, Listen To Your Instincts...” I hope you guys all enjoy!
“Our ancestors were right to be scared of the dark. Lock your doors, turn on your lights. Because i-.” That was it. Those were my cousin Carl’s last words. As much as everything in my mind and body told me not to. I uploaded the document. He wanted his story to get out there and I wanted to respect his final wishes. That was the least I could do. Most people may call me a moron but I believed his story. Every single word, Carl had always been a mentally stable person throughout his life, he drank here and there but only in moderation. There was no reason to doubt he was telling the truth. Even though it made my stomach churn.
When I had gotten to Carl’s house, his chair still had a dent in it from sitting down for an extended period of time. His laptop was open but went into sleep mode. I tried to go through his tv’s history and records to find the video he was talking about. But the thing had been completely fried. Not even sure how. He never mentioned that happening in the document. My mind was racing while trying to think of solutions, I wanted to find Carl. I held out false hope he might still be alive. But what could I possibly do? I wasn’t equipped to deal with this supernatural stuff, for god’s sake I’m a grocery store stocker. The most insane thing I ever see is people not being able to do simple math to calculate their change. But all that meant I needed to find someone who knows what they’re doing. Someone with the skills, tools and knowledge to help find where my cousin is. If he’s still alive anyway. One Friday after I had finished work, I came home and immediately ransacked every little crevice and corner of the internet to find a paranormal investigator. It should’ve seemed easy I know, but half the time it was just frauds or scammers looking to make a quick buck. My entire first night consisted of downing energy drinks and caffeine to keep myself awake while I surfed the web. That is until I came across Ethan Veldor. I read through as much I could about the guy, his arsenal, particular areas of expertise and past experience. From what I gathered, he seemed to be very well educated and proficient with handling demonic and otherworldly forces. Things such as evil spirits, demons and vengeful ghosts who had decided to overstay their welcome on earth. I wanted to be as thorough as possible to make sure I was getting my money’s worth. But I put my money where my mouth was and decided to give the guy a call. “Hello? Is this Mr. Veldor?” I asked. “Hey.” He replied, his voice raspy as if he had just woken up. “I’m guessing you’re calling for business purposes?” “Yeah. I need help with a problem. One that I know you can handle.” “Alright.” He paused for a moment. “What little issue have you got on your hands?” The emotion in his voice was non existent. “It’s a little hard to explain, is there a way I could send you something? It’s a document. It should give you the info that you need.” “Okie dokie, but before we get started, I need half of the payment now. And the other half after the problem is taken care of. That’s just my policy.” I became slightly frustrated with his dull responses. To me it felt like he really didn’t care too much about the actual problem at all. I couldn’t blame him though, his job had to have been undeniably exhausting and mentally damaging. “Yeah I guess I can do that, do you have an email or something I can send this document to?” I continued.
The rest of the call went as expected, he read off his email address and I proceeded to send over Carl’s document. He told me he would get back to me in two days or less and to sit tight until then. Like that was gonna be easy. Going to work the following day was aggravating to say the least. Not only was I dealing with my uptight supervisor and arrogant customers per usual. But I was on edge about Ethan getting back to me which only amplified the irritation I usually experienced. I tried to keep my head up to the best of my ability. “Hey Ryan, do you mind going into the back? We just got a shipment from the warehouse and the candy aisle needs to be restocked.” My supervisor asked. Staring down at his clipboard which was clearly only meant for show. “Uhh yeah sure, just one second.” I replied as I finished stocking the current shelf I was working on. “Also.” He turned and stopped just before walking away. “I need you to stay late tonight. It’s getting close to halloween and we’ve been really busy the past week.” If there were a way to describe how much I was internally sighing and complaining, I would’ve gone on and on. But I just kept my mouth shut for obvious reasons and made my way to the back of the store. My supervisor wasn’t lying, I could see tons of people doing last minute shopping for halloween candy. Some of them being small children who didn’t wanna wait to trick or treat. I opened the doors to the back and was immediately hit with a blast of cold air, it was always kept at a lower temperature to preserve the quality of things like ice cream and milk. A moderate amount of flickering accompanied me as I looked around. We had needed to get some of the ceiling lights in the back replaced for some time now, they were constantly flickering on and off for the past few weeks at this point. I slowly walked towards the south end of the back between the tall shelves. I could see an alarming amount of rust beginning to form on the metal supports. On my way to the end I saw a sight that froze me right in my place. I tensed up, having absolutely no idea what to do at the unsettling image in front of me. Less than ten feet in front of me stood a man, that’s what it looked like anyway. He was a disturbing pitch black and shadowy in his appearance, I couldn’t make out any facial features save for a pair of glowing crimson dots where his eyes should have been. But his shape and general build was similar to someone I had seen before. I just couldn’t put my finger on it. The figure stood in the dark corners of the back where the ceiling lights flickered the most. Blending into the poorly lit area. “You dare hunt us?” It spoke with such force I thought the room might’ve shook. The thing even sounded far more demonic than it looked, his voice reverberated and echoed as if he had a microphone resting in his esophagus. Adrenaline flowed through my veins but yet I stayed still, I was too stiff to move a muscle or make a sound. My mind was completely blank. “Your efforts are in vain.” The shadowy figure began to cackle in an unsettling taunt towards me. Despite there being no movement of its mouth. Or any of its body for that matter. “W- what are you? What do you want?” I managed to get out. Failing miserably to mask the tension in my voice. The lights began to flicker even more intensely, the room was slowly fading into darkness as I stood there in unexplainable panic. I tried to pull my phone out to record the insane events, as soon as the screen lit up. The numbers on the digital clock of my phone were constantly scrambling and changing. It looked like the slot machine of a casino. I wasn’t even able to put in my passcode. “You can run and hide. We will always find you. Always.” The figure continued on. “This is not your hour Ryan.” I turned to run out of the back, I shoved my phone back in my pocket and practically launched myself through the doors to return to the main space of the store. Desperate to get away from that thing. I looked back through the circular window of the doors once I was on the other side. The red eyed shadow man had disappeared and the lights were no longer flickering. They were working just fine. “Figures.” I huffed. “Are you okay?” Came a female voice to my left I turned to see my co-worker Sherry looking at me with great concern. I was in a hunched over position with my eyes as wide as possible. Her reaction to my seemingly odd behavior was justified. There was multiple seconds of awkward silence between the two of us as I decided how to respond. “Yeah just almost tripped over.” I lied. Not wanting to drag Sherry down into my web of confusing nonsense. “Uhh okay. Right.” She responded with a dry expression. “Well I was coming back here to grab some more stuff to restock the home care aisle. Didn’t mean to spook you or anything.” “You didn’t, it’s okay.” I replied. Straightening my posture. I won’t lie to you all, I had always found Sherry rather attractive, she dyed her hair a beautiful light red. Her skin was as flawless as polished marble, her eyes sparkled like emeralds and she always had been fun to work with. By far my favorite co-worker out of anyone. Sherry had always been much more down to earth than her appearance would lead you to believe. I had been putting off pursuing any sort of romantic relationship with her. I wasn’t usually a fan of getting together with people I worked with. But lately she has begun to change my mind. Fear of rejection had gotten in my way of ever officially doing anything other than casual flirtation. “Well i’m glad.” Sherry chuckled. “We’ve got our lunch soon, so if you wanna come meet me in the break room that would be great.” She punctuated her sentence by flashing me a friendly smile. Before I could respond to her proposal, I felt my phone begin to vibrate aggressively in my front pocket. I took it out with a huff of hesitation. It seemed to be strangely working once again. Full display on the screen was the phone number of Ethan Veldor. The paranormal investigator. “Yeah definitely, I gotta take this real quick, I'm sorry.” I said as I held up a finger and slowly turned the corner. Taking multiple glances around to make sure I was alone with no one around. “Hello?” I picked up. “Greetings Ryan.” Ethan responded, his usual monotony being present again. “Greetings? Who says greetings over the phone? You know what nevermind. Did you find anything?” “I need you to meet with me tomorrow.” He responded without answering the question. “I’ll send you the address.” “Woah woah hold on, did you find anything?” I persisted. Ethan hung up. Refusing to answer my question. I hit my fist against the wall in anger before realizing he probably had info if he wanted to meet up in the first place. A customer had walked by at that moment and shot me a look of disappointment. As if they were my boss. The rest of work that day went by as slow as possible after that call. But the highlight was having lunch with Sherry in the breakroom. It helped to lighten my spirits. But that didn’t mean I couldn’t get the incident of what happened in the back room off my mind. “You been okay?” She asked before taking a bite of her vegan burger. “First you were scared like crazy, now you’re all spaced out.” “It’s just been a really stressful week. Carl is still missing.” I moaned, slouching back in my chair. “I saw that in the news.” Sherry glanced at me sympathetically. “I’m really sorry. If you need a friend to talk to I’m here.” There was a pause before I spoke. I fixed my posture and sat up straight in my chair. Making sure to look Sherry directly in the eyes. “I appreciate it. Listen there’s something I’ve been meaning to te-.” I was quickly cut off by our supervisor storming in. A neglectful expression on his face. He was in his usual authoritarian delusion. Always walking around like a tough guy despite being the shortest person in the entire staff. “Sorry to interrupt but break’s over guys. Time to get back to work.” Yeah “Sorry” I thought. Cause everyone believes that when you use it as an excuse for the millionth time.
When work had finally finished up and I went home. I stayed up all night mindlessly scrolling through Netflix as I desperately tried to get some sleep. I felt the fatigue behind my eyeballs yet they refused to close and let me drift off into unconsciousness. I did end up falling asleep that night but for less than two hours, it was a struggle just to climb out of the bed that morning and get ready to go meet up with Ethan. But the morning light shining through my windows helped give me the last bit of motivation I needed. One thing that always puzzled me about Carl was why he enjoyed the night so much. His late night walks were a far cry from what I would’ve done. He always seemed so excited to do it. I never understood why. The location Ethan had given me to meet him at was surprisingly a library of all places. Call me naive but it seemed a little too normal for someone like him and his so far cryptic tendencies. Speaking of which, it was a pain to find him in there. I scanned up and down the interior several times with no luck. In my mind he should’ve stood out. Guess not. “Where the hell are you?” I whispered out loud to myself. Darting my head all around like a crazed pigeon. I was caught off guard when my phone began vibrating from me receiving two text messages. I retrieved it out of my pocket and took a glance to find both of them were from Ethan. “Behind you.” The first one read. “You need glasses or something?” I did a one eighty. There Ethan sat between two of the non fiction bookshelves with his face buried in a novel about the history of supernatural sightings and folklore. I casually went up to him, putting up a front of false courtesy. “You’re Ethan Veldor?” I asked. “It’s good to finally see you up close.” “Sure.” Came his dry response. “Sit down, got something to tell you.” I hesitantly sat in the bean bag directly parallel, a look of eager anticipation all over me. “What is it? I’ve been waiting all night for this.” I interrogated. “These Nocturnals, they’re nothing like I've ever encountered. It’s been a pain in my behind to learn anything about them. I’ve only been able to gather less than half a page’s worth of info.” The rasp of his voice boomed across the library for a man speaking so quietly. “Aren’t they just like ghosts?” Ethan snickered, the closest sound to a full on laugh I ever heard him produce. “No, not even close. I even tried getting ectoplasm from them. Nothing. The typical baits, traps and everything are useless. They don’t bite.” “In Carl’s document he said something about them needing to be in some sort of darkness.” “Well that’s true, but one of the few things I did find out is that when they have their sights set on someone. The darkness becomes less and less of a prerequisite for them. And right now, they’ve got their eye on you.” I gripped the arms of my chair as he said it. I couldn’t help but feel as if all the fluids in my body seized flowing. “One of them… I saw one of them at work yesterday.” “I could tell by how shook up on the phone you sounded.” “How do we kill them?” “Kill them?” Ethan scoffed. “You don’t. You can’t, we just need to find a way to- wait a minute.” He paused, standing up from his chair and beginning to scan the area of the room behind me with a moderately paranoid expression. “What? What are you looking for?” “The light in the back left, it’s flickering.” He huffed while reaching into his jacket for something. It wasn’t until now I noticed a sizable imprint in his jacket. I stood up and placed myself in front of him. Attempting to defuse his angst and not draw attention in our direction. “Would you chill out?” I whispered. “People are gonna think you’re nuts.” “No they aren’t, have a look for yourself.” I hesitantly turned my head. The library was just the same as it had been minutes prior. But every single person was frozen with the exception of Ethan and I. It was like they all had been stopped in time, none of them even blinked. They were complete statues. “Don’t. Move.” Ethan demanded, reaching into his jacket and pulling out an almost alien looking weapon. I had rationalized it as being just a heavily modified shotgun with red rings around the barrel and some sort of cylinder containing a strange purple liquid hanging from the bottom. The light in the back Ethan had talked about flickering was beginning to spread to the rest of them. They all hummed and buzzed violently as they flashed in and out simultaneously. Now the whole interior was starting to become an epileptic person’s worst nightmare. The flickering of the lights made me come to a horrifying realization. I could feel my stomach churning. “Are they here?” I asked as I darted my eyes frantically around the room. Holding out hope the now frozen people would start moving once again. “What do you think?” Ethan replied rhetorically without even looking back. “Just try not to crap yourself. Last thing you wanna do is let them know you’re scared.” “Yeah because I’m sure they don’t know that already.” I clapped back. “Aren’t you supposed to be the professional here?” The lights now all flickered at the same time, the book shelves began to shake as the floor now rattled. Books fell off the shelves and the chairs were tipped over, I could feel the air become icy cold as the eerie hum of the ceiling lights only became louder. “You need to get out of here.” Ethan demanded, putting a hand on my shoulder and trying to force me out of my spot. “How! We’re trapped! My best chance is here with you!” “I said go!” Ethan snarled. The lights flickering came to a climax when it became too intense and they exploded. Shards of glass and plastic fell to the carpeted floor while the darkness flooded the room as a result. The light coming from the windows was covered with a sheet of powerful darkness. The opposite half of the room was completely drenched in a pitch black abyss, even Ethan seemed to not know what was going on. I was terrified, I could feel my hands shaking intensely. In the dark half of the room, eight different pairs of red glowing dots stared fixed on us. I couldn’t take my eyes off of them. Not even for a second. They didn’t move, make a sound or speak. They simply continued to glare hungrily at us. I looked down at the floor and nearly screamed as I saw the darkness itself moving. It freaking moved. Slithering across the floor as if it were given a body. I attempted to speak and scream but no noise came out, my throat was closed up from the undeniable panic I was feeling. I thought I was gonna die there and then. “Stay back!” Ethan commanded as the darkness continued moving its way toward him while he tried to fire his weapon. Only for nothing to happen. He tried a couple more times to be faced with the same result. I had felt stupid for relying on him in the first place up to this point. “Wh- what the hell?” He cursed. Haunting laughter came from the darkness. It was a combination of multiple bone chilling cackles. They were sinisterly taunting, Some laughs being children, some being men and some were women. The red dots slowly hovered forward through the dark, getting increasingly closer to Ethan and I as the pitch black, almost liquid like darkness swallowed up the rest of the room. It was closing in on the both of us. All we could do was watch and listen. Ethan attempted to fire the weapon one last time and just like the previous efforts nothing ended up happening. The only difference was that I was seeing a look of panic beginning to spread across his face. It only made my blood freeze even colder. Everything I knew about him so far told me that he wouldn’t be afraid of anything. “I thought you could handle this!” I shoved him. Anger now coinciding with my terror. The void of darkness was now beginning to touch my feet, the volume of the horrific laughter increased as the glowing red eyes were now less than ten feet away. It felt like this would be the end, I wanted to simply drop to my knees and give up as a horrible death slowly advanced towards us. I felt helpless in a way I couldn’t put into words. Ethan was the first to go, the darkness pooled around his feet, he looked at me with nothing but despair and desperation in his eyes as he was suddenly snatched right in front of me. He didn’t have time to scream. Not at first at least. Once he had been consumed and pulled out of sight by the darkness, his screams were ear shattering, I couldn’t hear any sounds of him being maimed or harmed. But it was hard to distinguish the shrieks as being a result of paralyzing terror or pure agony. I chose the former. Two pairs of the red eyes now stepped in place of where he once stood. His blood curdling screams were suddenly and violently cut off after continuing for over twenty seconds. All I could think about was the potential horrific things they had done to him. Along with the fact that I would very soon be next. The darkness had now reached me, it began to surround me, consume me and I was left with nowhere to go. I was sure that this would be my daunting demise. Getting taken by these red eyed shadow beings. The same as my cousin once had. I was fully surrounded by the darkness and I felt something grab me. It was hard to describe, but whatever snatched me up felt like it was all around me. Everywhere at once. The grip of it was cold. Similar to that of stepping outside nude during a blizzard. I began to scream as I could feel the chilling sensation run its way through the inside of my body. Nothing but skin numbing cold was all I could sense. I continued my shrieks as it kept spreading, the process was slow, agonizing in a manner no torture could ever compare to. I was miraculously lucky I was even able to open my eyes for a split second. All around me I saw the Nocturnals, their figures were still pitch black and details completely obscured. But their eyes were now white instead of red, and it hurt me to look at them. I covered my eyes as I continued bellowing my lungs out of my chest. “Assimilation.” The voices of The Nocturnals chanted as they all surrounded me. Over and over again as the feeling of that same overwhelming chill spreading through my veins finally came to a merciful end. It was only seconds after when I had passed out.
When I awoke, I took a deep breath. I was in my room, the lights were off and everything was eerily silent. Morning light was leaking through my curtains but they were shut. The main thing racing through my mind was how I even woke up in the first place and how long I was out. Why was I even still alive? I should’ve been freaking out much more than I was. That’s what I thought anyway. I exited my bedroom and marched down to my bathroom, the light was already on which irritated the morning grog in my eyes. I quickly switched the light off, only letting a small amount of it seep in through the window. I looked in the mirror to see that I was completely unscathed, save for my crimson bloodshot eyes and a few bruises on my forearms. I had wondered if the same had happened to Ethan. I pulled out my phone and attempted to call him. Only for it to go to voicemail several times. That was when I was gonna try to call the police and file a missing person’s report. Right before noticing the time and immediately spiraling into a shallow pool of stress. It was only miniscule compared to what I felt when this situation usually occurred. “Crap.” I said. “Gotta go to work.” When I spoke, my voice was… enhanced. Amplified, whatever you would call it. I said a couple more words and phrases just to make sure what I was hearing was real. Every little noise or verbal outburst I created had echoed throughout the walls of my house. I did everything in my power to chalk it up to my mind and senses being distorted from what had taken place. It was still fresh in my mind. Yet even though I couldn’t stop replaying it in my head, I didn’t feel as strongly as I should have. As mentioned before. I grabbed my shoes and got in my car before hesitantly driving to work, stepping outside was harsh. It didn’t burn exactly. But it caused me moderate internal irritation. I felt out of place from the moment I woke up. Seeing Sherry at work that day didn’t change a thing, I didn’t care much for her presence. Every word that came out her mouth went over my head. I paid her next to no attention. That is, until she uttered the words. “Ryan, why are your eyes so red?” In my mind I thought her question was trivial and maddening. I turned and simply looked at her without saying a single word. I just stared into her eyes as I reached over one of the shelves. “Hello?” She persisted. “Ryan are you okay?” Once again I ignored her. I went about the rest of my shift, half assing nearly everything I did. I couldn’t wait to get home, turn off the lights and relax. The store wasn’t even busy by an average day’s standards. Nonetheless I was beyond exhausted. Arriving home that evening, strange feelings and emotions rose inside me as night time approached. The light was seriously starting to hurt my eyes. I really needed to dim it.
I’m going to finish writing this now, the light from the screen of my laptop is slowly becoming a burning sensation and I can’t take it anymore. I don’t want to look at this screen for a second longer. But tonight I'm gonna go pay Sherry a visit. These voices… They’ve been encouraging me to do so. One of them even sounded like Carl. Just like him. But distorted like me. I kinda like it that way now. It’s soothing. The dark isn’t so bad you know. Maybe everyone should take the time to shut their lamps off and find the peace that doesn’t exist with the light. The light is overrated.

 The End 

I held up my boarding pass and walked through the gate. My wife, Harper, was right ahead of me, and we both were so loaded with bags and suitcases that we could barely fit between the doorways. Our 10th anniversary was in a couple of days. We both had come into agreement that there was no better way to celebrate than to go on an all-expense-paid cruise to Hawaii.
As we made it up to the deck, we marveled at all the entertainment. There was a band playing to greet us. Pools, water slides, mini-golf, a drive-in sized screen that was displaying boarding information, bars, and restaurants, and that was just what we could see while walking in! This was definitely the right choice for our anniversary vacation. I couldn’t wait to get these bags unloaded and start to enjoy ourselves.
We went into the doors that led to the cabins. There was another beautiful bar down below us. There was a sports bar to the left showing the games on different screens and a small library to our right. Before we made it to the cabins, there was a coffee bar that served specialty coffees and desserts. If religion has it right, I hope that heaven is something like this. You couldn’t walk through a door anywhere without finding something exciting.
Once we made it to our cabin, we dropped all our bags and looked at each other with stars in our eyes. I pulled my wife close for a kiss and then kept my arms around her. I asked eagerly about how we should begin.
“Well, what should we do first? The casino? The arcade?”
She smirked before replying.
“Such a man, don’t forget about the fine dining at 6, followed by the show at the Theatre.”
I drew back and acted faux offended.
“Are you insinuating that I have no culture? I made our reservations before we even boarded, don’t worry. Dinner isn’t for a long time though, how about we go get some of those tacos and a coffee to get ourselves going.”
“Now you’re speaking my language.” She replied with a grin.
“Let’s unpack later. I am starving, and I think that coffee bar right there makes caramel macchiatos.”
Her eyes lit up yet again as I grabbed her hand, and we rushed towards the door. The coffee bar did have macchiatos, which I got with an extra shot of espresso. She ordered a frozen drink that was more sweetness than coffee, and we made our way back onto the deck where the tacos awaited.
The weather was beautiful. It was Fall time, and the sun was just warm enough to be inviting, accompanied by the blissful breeze that blew along the top of the deck. As we drew near to Tito’s Taco Shop, we heard the captain coming through the loudspeakers announcing takeoff. He reminded us about the mandatory safety meeting in a couple of hours and then wished us to have a great time aboard the ship.
It was still strange to be in large groups of people without wearing a mask. The pandemic was finally eradicated once the vaccines were distributed. The cruise and tourism industries were hit hard, as were many others. It seemed that people were at last willing to come back out again, and there was no shortage of cruise-goers ready for a trip to the islands.
I had my phone out and was looking up things to do in Honolulu for the days that we were in port. Scuba diving was a must. I had heard that sometimes you could see sharks or even hold an octopus on your hand if you got lucky enough. I wanted to do some hiking near the volcanoes if we had time. All the spam was going to be strange, but as much as they cook with it, I bet they were able to make it taste like a delicacy.
They were in the process of building a new aquarium. It looked like it was going to be a huge one. Sadly, it did not look like it would be done in time for us to check it out. The black sands beach looked incredible, though. Instead of sand, it said that the whole beach was covered in smooth black lava rocks. We would definitely have to make a stop there.
“Ethan! Do you want salsa on your tacos? Chicken or steak?”
I put my phone away and looked at the meats before responding and did so to the guy who was making them as he finished up my wife’s two glorious looking tacos.
“I’ll take one of both with some of that green salsa. Thank you!”
All the free tacos that you could eat, why couldn’t life always be like that?
“Let’s sit over there by the side, so we can watch the takeoff,” Harper said, before taking a big sip of her frozen coffee.
We took a seat and took in the last sight of land that we would see for about 4 days. Once we arrived, we would tour the different islands, stopping at each port and having a day to explore. There were some people on land waving towards the ship. We joined many others who were near the side waving back. I couldn’t help but feel bad for all of those poor people stuck on the land.
“Bon Voyage to us, I guess.”
I held up my coffee for a cheers, and Harper returned the gesture. Her face was glowing. I couldn’t remember seeing her so happy since the day of our wedding.
“This is really going to be a nice break from reality.” She said as she picked up her taco to take her first bite.
“Yeah, it will. Nothing like this in the world.”
We took our time, enjoying each bite as our view of the coastline became a thing of the past. When we were finished, we looked into each other’s eyes. I reached across the table to hold her hand. She sounded a bit anxious as she spoke.
“It is a lot to take in, isn’t it? There is so much to do that I’m afraid of missing out on something. Where should we go first?”
I squeezed her hand and spoke in a reassuring tone.
“We have plenty of time to take it all in. Let’s just make sure to relax and do whatever makes us happy. It will all work itself out.”
Once we had our fill of gazing into the ocean, we decided that we would head back to the room and get unpacked, while we waited for the safety orientation. The time flew by, and before we knew it, they were calling our section over the loudspeaker.
We arrived with all the other passengers and waited for a moment until the crew member made it so we could begin. They gave us the spiel about the life jackets. They explained how the evacuation process works in case of a problem and let us hear a sample of the siren that would be played if there was an emergency.
I was zoning out and staring out of the window. We were near the bottom of the ship, and you could see the water moving beside us. It put me in a bit of a trance, and I kind of lost myself in it for a moment. I was snapped out of it when I saw something I couldn’t quite comprehend.
It happened pretty fast, and most of the people were looking at the crew member as he spoke. I could have been mistaking, but It looked like a giant tentacle had moved by the window and curled out of sight.
I looked around to see if anyone else had seen what I thought I just saw. There was a teenaged boy who looked excited and shocked. He was tugging at his father’s sleeve and explaining something to him. He seemed to brush him off and looked frustrated at the interruption. Everyone else was paying attention to the speech and had apparently not seen a thing.
Harper noticed how shaken I was and asked me quietly if everything was alright. I shook it off and said I would tell her about it later. We sat through the rest of the orientation. Nothing else went by the window, other than the waves being made by the ship.
As we arrived back on the deck, we were grabbing a drink from the tiki-themed bar. Harper chose one of those blue drinks with the little umbrella on top. After what I had seen, I opted for a straight glass of their best scotch. I had explained my story to her, and she was busy trying to figure out what it could have been that I saw.
“So, you’re sure it was all the way up by the window? Even at that lower level, that must be pretty high up from the water. Maybe it was something that crawled up the side, and it just seemed like it was larger because of forced-perspective?”
I took a big sip of my scotch and shook my head in confusion.
“Yeah, I mean, maybe. I really don’t know.”
She looked as if a light bulb went off in her head, and she shot back a smart remark.
“You’ve been reading a bunch of that H. P. Lovecraft stuff again, haven’t you? I’m sure it wasn’t Cthulhu if that’s what you are thinking.”
I laughed and felt my tension release.
“No, it’s not that. I just thought it was weird, that’s all. Enough about that, let’s figure out what we’re going to do until the formal dinner and play tonight.”
She responded with a grin.
“I seem to remember someone mentioning the arcade and the casino.”
I must have looked like a kid on Christmas morning because she burst out laughing. We finished our drinks and made our way past the large screen that was now cycling through reminders of all the different events that you could attend. Night club, comedy club, it seemed like there was no end to the number of things you could do on this ship.
We walked through the casino that was already bustling with cruise-goers. It looked like a good time. They even had versions of those toy cranes that were set up to pick up huge wads of cash. That might be the next stop, but I had my eyes set on the zombie shooter game with two green guns. The arcade was right past the casino and was full of all kinds of games to keep us entertained.
Not as many people were eager to jump straight for the arcade apparently. Harper and I had the whole place to ourselves. I went to the coin machine to get out some tokens. There was a door that read “Staff Only” right by the machine. I heard a loud slamming noise that caught my attention, even over the music that was playing in the arcade. I leaned in a little and heard a heated conversation on the other side.
“This is so fucked up. I can’t believe that they got loose. They need to tell all of the people!”
“Can you imagine the chaos that would cause? I get where you are coming from, trust me. It’s better this way, though.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right… People would be going crazy.”
The door opened, and I jumped as I was still leaning in to eavesdrop. This must have been apparent to the two kids who walked out because they looked a bit frightened and then hurried right past me. I grabbed the tokens out of the machine and walked over to the machine where my wife was waiting.
“You look like you just saw a ghost or something. Don’t tell me some fish people are walking around on board now.”
I couldn’t even fake a laugh or smile. I explained what I had just heard as I put the coins into the machine and started up the game. She did not seem concerned about the new development.
“They could have been talking about a mechanical issue or something. Try not to worry too much. We deserve to have the time of our lives on this trip. I don’t want you to start to obsess on this and lose sight of why we are here.”
I shrugged at this and answered in a resigned tone.
“Yeah, I guess you’re right. Worrying isn’t going to fix anything anyway. Could you please start taking out some of these zombies, though? I’m carrying the whole game over here. You have a power-up to use, hit the red button.”
She smacked me with the gun for talking trash, but the mood felt much lighter after that. Before long, we grew tired of the arcade and decided to play a few games at the casino. I have never been the best card player, and she was no better than me. This being the case, we opted for the giant money claw machine.
I swear that both of us grabbed a stack a handful of times each. The claw would never hold its grip, though. Feeling more than a little bit scammed, we decided to blow a bit of time at the slots until we had to go get ready for dinner. As soon as we sat down, the person who went on the money claw right behind us exclaimed loudly as the machine lit up and started to make a loud ringing noise. I looked over to Harper and gestured towards him.
“That seems about right, huh? We pump fifty dollars into that thing, and he walks away with a jackpot after one.”
“Such is life.” She responded as she pumped some tokens into the slot machine.
I couldn’t help but hear two guys on some machines behind us, as they were beginning to get a bit rowdy with each other.
“You tryin’ to say I don’t know what I saw man?”
His friend responded quickly.
“No, no, no, man. I’m not trying to say you’re seeing things or whatever else. I’m just saying that it’s crazy. There is no way it can be right!”
After this, the first man shot up out of his seat, knocking over his stool as he did. This caused quite the scene, and many people were starting to gaze in the direction now.
“Yeah, that’s alright. You think whatever the hell you want. I’m gonna go find someone to talk to about it right now!”
He stormed off, leaving his friend looking a bit shell-shocked and embarrassed. Harper looked toward me, and as if reading her mind, I pushed my seat back away from the machine.
“Yeah, let’s get out of here. We need to get ready for dinner.”
She raised her eyebrows in surprise at what we had just witnessed and responded.
“Sounds good to me. I haven’t won anything anyway. Let’s go.”
I looked back towards the guy’s friend, who he left standing there. After considering it for a moment, I leaned in towards my wife.
“You go ahead, I’ll catch up with you in just a second.”
She looked a bit frustrated but did not fight it.
“Hurry up, I want to make sure we get a good seat. It’s going to take us a while to get ready.”
She kissed me on the cheek and took off towards the deck, which led over towards the cabins. I walked up towards the man who was about to walk off before I caught his attention.
“Excuse me, sir? I overheard you and your friend. What was it that he thinks he saw?”
He looked at me warily. It was clear that he really didn’t want to discuss the matter.
“Look, he’s usually not like that, you know? I don’t know what’s gotten into him, honestly.”
I shook my head. He obviously didn’t understand why I was asking.
“No, I saw something strange as well. I’m not trying to say your friend is going crazy at all. I was just wondering what it is that he was saying he saw.”
This seemed to unnerve him more than help calm his nerves. He looked around to make sure nobody was listening in.
“Man, he was saying that he saw a giant fucking octopus, bro. Like, 30 feet long or so is how he was describing it. It’s ridiculous, there is no way they would allow something like that on one of these ships.”
My heart dropped all the way to my feet. I covered my mouth, and I think he could tell by my reaction that what he said had rocked me to the core. I stammered and managed a weak reply as horror rushed through my body.
“I..I… On the boat??”
He nodded and looked at me with the same type of concern he had been showing to his friend. My face must have been as white as a sheet at this point.
“Thanks.”
I took off out of the door, in a huge rush to catch up with Harper. I was looking around in a panic, my heart racing and ready to beat right out of my chest. I was about to just take off to the room when I heard Harper’s voice.
“Ethan! Over here, I grabbed some hot tea.”
I saw her over by the edge of the deck, waving me over. I ran up to her and could hardly focus.
“I thought you needed something to help you relax, and it looks like I was right. What are you freaking out about right now?”
I tried to collect my thoughts and was going to respond when she pointed behind me and cut me off.
“Hey, isn’t that the guy that was just going nuts in the casino?”
I turned around, and the man was being dragged towards a door that was marked “Employees Only”. Two larger deckhands were pulling him that way, each with a tight grip on one of his arms. He was fighting hard to try and break their hold and calling out for help. As they made it through the door with the man, I grabbed Harper by the shoulders and looked into her eyes.
“We have to go. Let’s get to the room, I don’t want to explain out here.”
She nodded, and we made our way towards the cabins. Once we were in our own cabin, she put down the hot teas on our dresser and walked right up to me with an exasperated look on her face.
“Babe, what in the heck is going on right now? This isn’t about the freaking tentacle that you saw out the window, is it?”
I looked shiftily around the room and towards our view of the ocean.
“Yes… I mean, no… Well, not really, anyway.”
“You have got to calm down. Just take a deep breath and explain.”
I did as she suggested and took a long deep breath to collect my thoughts. I told her about what the guy’s friend had said back at the casino. She made the connection between this and the man being dragged off the deck against his will. I also explained what I heard from the crew members when we were at the arcade. I could tell she was beginning to take what I was saying seriously.
I looked off into a corner as I made a connection. It seemed like a bit of a stretch to me, but it was the only thing I could think of. I know that she wouldn’t judge me at this point if it sounded a bit outlandish. After thinking it over for a moment, I decided to tell her what I was thinking.
“When I was looking for things to do in Honolulu earlier, there was an advertisement for a new aquarium that was coming soon. One of the main attractions was that they were going to have a bunch of Giant Pacific Octopi.
I didn’t think about it until now, but what if that is what is on this ship? Let me google it really quick, I had never heard of that type of octopus, so I didn’t think much of it.”
I got the search pulled up and nodded in a cold understanding before continuing.
“This is exactly what that guy was describing. I don’t know why they would use a cruise ship to deliver something like that. It’s the only thing that makes any sense right now, though.”
Harper was looking at the google search thoughtfully and responded.
“I mean, I guess that these were two of the hardest-hit economies during the pandemic, tourism, and cruise ships. It makes some kind of twisted sense that they would come together to try and help each other out. Octopi are known to be very mischievous, even when they aren’t the size of a freaking semi-trailer.”
She made a good point. Nothing had really made sense for a few years now with how crazy the world had been. This made as much sense as anything else when it was put into perspective. I just shook my head in amazement and looked towards her.
“Well, what do we do from here?”
“I know this is crazy, but I’m sure they will have a handle on those things. They would not have arranged to have them on board and not prepared for the possibility that they could escape.
I say we get ready and go to dinner as we had planned. We don’t want to spend our whole 10th-anniversary cruise holed-up in the cabin. Even if all this crazy guesswork is correct, and that is what the guy from the casino saw, I’m sure that they have everything under control.”
I pressed my fingers against my eyes and tried to wrap my mind around everything. I may have been scared out of my mind, but she was right. Our best bet was to hope that it was all under control and at least try to enjoy our time on the ship. This was not going to happen again anytime soon, if ever.
“Yeah. Let’s do that, I agree. Let’s just get dressed and try to have a good time. I’m sure if it was too bad, everyone would be on lockdown or something.”
She brightened up a bit with my saying this. We both went into our luggage and began to start the process of getting changed into our formal dining attire. Before long, I was tying the knot in my tie, and she was putting the final touches on her hair. I walked up behind her in the mirror and held her by the shoulders.
“You look incredible. Let’s go and have the time of our lives.”
She gave me a big smile, and I pulled her in for a kiss. I backed up and held out my arm towards her. As she grabbed onto it, we made our way for the door.
The formal dining room was the most luxurious area on the ship by far. Chandeliers hung from the ceiling. There were large wine racks along many of the walls, and the entire dining room was walled in by the most beautiful windows that I had ever seen. There was an ornate window on the ceiling as well. It was just beginning to get dark, and I was sure that soon we would be able to see the stars all across the sky.
The waiter walked up and asked what we would like to drink. He was dressed in a black vest with a bow tie and a white shirt. I told him that we would take a bottle of wine that he recommended. I also asked him to give me a recommendation for my meal. Once Harper heard his suggestion of parmesan encrusted lamb with asparagus, she decided that she would follow suit.
He brought out some bread with olive oil as a complimentary appetizer to go with our wine. As he poured our first glasses and set the bottle down, I grabbed my glass of wine and held it up toward my beautiful wife. She looked every bit as lovely as the day of our wedding, and I was flooded with a flurry of emotions as I said my toast.
“Here is to 10 amazing years. Every one of them has been an adventure, and I look forward to every year that I’ll be lucky enough to spend with you as we continue that adventure.”
She smiled and blushed ever so slightly as she reached her glass to clink off of mine. We both took a sip, and she responded in a relieved manner.
“That’s the spirit, it is starting to actually feel like a relaxing vacation.”
“Hey, that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? It’s so nice to have a break from work, housework, and all the monotony of the day-to-day. We make a pretty good team through all of that drudgery, though. Don’t you think?”
Suddenly, I saw the smile get wiped from her face. The look that crept onto her face was one of sheer terror. Her glass of wine had been in her hand. When her face went from delight to horror, she tossed it on the ground with a crash. A scream came from deep within her, which was blood-curdling and intimated that absolute ruin was imminent.
I turned toward the spot that she was staring at. I understood all at once the doom that awaited all of us in the dining room. A giant octopus came crashing through the windows near the entrance where we all had arrived, knocking over the many racks of wine as it came and turning the floor as red as blood. Seemingly at the same time, another came from the side closest to the ocean and blocked the only other way out of the dining room into the kitchen.
I grabbed Harper’s arm, and we ran toward the corner as far from the beasts as we could manage. It was pandemonium as the whole dining room erupted into turmoil. I flipped a circle table up against the corner so that Harper and I could try to hide behind it for protection.
I saw one man who ran as fast as he could towards a small opening next to the octopus, who was blocking the main entrance. The creature reached a giant tentacle out for him and pulled him into his beak. There were shrieking howls of pain, unlike anything I have ever heard as blood sprayed out from underneath.
A couple of people were able to dart around as the octopus was distracted. Another unfortunate lady was grabbed by one of the spare tentacles, though. He squeezed her around the throat, and we had to watch as her face turned purple. Eventually, the life was squeezed right from her body.
I held Harper tight as she was sobbing like mad and unable to stop her body from shaking. We saw an opening. The one by the front entrance went toward a group of people on the opposite side of the room. As soon as it did, we bolted for the door. As we drew near, another octopus came crashing through the window on the ceiling, crushing a few unfortunate souls as it joined in the massacre. We kept running until we were well onto the deck.
The chaos did not stop in the dining room. People were running like mad all over the deck. I didn’t know where we would be safe, but I thought that maybe we could lock ourselves in our cabin until we could be rescued from this madness. It was a nice thought, but as we went for the doors, another one of those damn things came down to block our way.
We ran for the area in front of the drive-in style screen where Re-Animator was playing. A man was gibbering to himself in a wild manner and hiding behind a chair. As we drew near, I noticed a tear in the screen as another one came through and snatched the man up as he yelled out for help.
Our options for safety were becoming extremely limited. We ran for the bar where we jumped over the top and hid with a large group of people, peaking over to watch it all unfold. That was when we saw what I knew would be the end of us all. There was an army of them descending upon us. I held Harper tight as we waited on the inevitable.
I watched as a family of three were huddling together in the middle of the deck. They were almost surrounded, but the father pushed the mother and child toward an opening so that they could make it to safety with the rest of us. He let out a guttural cry as they ripped him to shreds. His little girl cried in a high-pitched squeal reaching for him until the mother grabbed her and ran towards us.
The mother was getting close when one of the monstrous creatures came hurtling behind her. As she noticed, she reached out with her daughter. I leaned out over the bar and grabbed onto her as the octopus reached the mother and held her tightly. I was pulling my hardest as the mother was holding on tight, and I hoped that they both might be saved.
I was punching and pulling at the tentacles and doing my best to cause him to let the mother go. She released her daughter, and the others brought her down behind the bar. I wouldn’t let go of her mother’s arms as she cried out in distress.
That was when I heard it. It was the deepest and most powerful sound that I have ever heard. It shook the ship violently. The bottles of liquor and glasses were falling all around us. It was hard to describe the immense strength and power that the sound exhibited all around us. When the sound came, though, something strange began to happen.
The octopus that held the child’s mother released her, and we pulled her behind the bar with us quickly. She fell to her daughter and clutched her tightly as they wept in each other’s arms. All of the creatures began to release the people that they were attacking. They were moving in unison towards the edges of the ship. They crawled over the side, and one by one, they made their way into the ocean.
Once all the monsters had left the ship, the people made their way slowly to the side to see what was happening. For some reason, they were all leaving. As quickly as they had descended upon us, they left us. It appeared to be almost in a synchronized manner. They all were swimming in the same direction, and we watched in disbelief. Nobody aboard this ship would ever be the same if they made it out alive, but many of us were saved by what could only be described as a call. A call that came from something massive, much larger than the creatures that had plagued us. It was a call that came from deep within the ocean and was more monstrous than anything that we could have ever imagined.

"Mos Eisley Spaceport. Never again will you find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious."
In the original Star Wars, Chalmun's Spaceport Cantina (yeah I just found out what it was actually called, thanks Wookieepedia) introduced us to the breadth of bizarre alien creatures in the Star Wars galaxy, all crammed in a seedy bar on a backwater planet. From the hammer-headed Ithorian designed by Ron Cobb to the devilish Devaronian designed by Rick Baker, Lucas's creative team helped bring a universe of seemingly limitless possibilities to life in one short sequence. The scene has had a number of homages and imitations in other entries of the saga, but how do they all stack up compared to the original and arguably the best?
There's some criteria for what constitutes a "cantina" scene. It has to be some kind of enclosed environment featuring a plethora of unique alien designs with tonnes of visible personality as well as an overall lively though somewhat intimidating atmosphere for the protagonists. I'll be ranking them all out of 10 on the Cantina Factor. I'll only be counting the mainline "episodes" of the saga.
Episode V... doesn't have a cantina scene. The closest thing is the bounty hunter gathering on the Star Destroyer bridge, but... it doesn't really have the same feel and is a bit too brief to count. Move along, move along.
Episode VI, on the other hand, throws us right into the 24/7 partyhouse that it Jabba's Palace. A stew of filth and debauchery surpassing Mos Eisley, you almost feel dirty just looking at this place. Jabba is truly the Fisher King of his establishment, everything is as grimy and seedy as the giant slug himself. We see Jabba's entourage of performers, jesters and burlesque dancers, as well as servants, guards, bounty hunters, VIPs and assorted criminal scum. Compared to Mos Eisley, we get to see this litany of bizarre characters in greater focus, with many turning out to be quite important figures in the expanded universe. The main centres of attraction include: Jabba's pale, weak-minded Twi'lek majordomo Bib Fortuna; the axe-wielding, boar-like Gamorrean Guards; Jabba's cackling jester Salacious B. Crumb; Boba Fett flirting with girls; Oola the sexy Twi'lek slave dancer who's fed to the Rancor; Malakili the Rancor keeper who tenderly weeps when his beloved pet is crushed to death; EV-9D9 the sadistic torture droid; Ephant Mon the horrifically ugly elephant thing who is apparently Jabba's best mate; and last but not least, Max Rebo the cute blue DJ. Bossk the Trandoshan bounty hunter also has a blink-and-you'll-miss-it cameo. The 1997 Special Edition controversially extends the song-and-dance number with Sy Snootles, replacing her (admittedly awful) puppet with CGI and adding an entirely new singer, Joh Yowza, who obnoxiously mugs the camera during his solo. Overall, the Jabba's Palace scene is in many ways better than the original Mos Eisley cantina scene, but it suffers greatly in the Special Edition... still, nothing can stop it ranking a solid 9/10 on the Cantina Factor.
With an enhanced budget and new fangled digital effects technology, Episode I is basically one long creature-feature. There's not really a single scene quite like Mos Eisley, as nearly every scene seems to have crowds of alien extras wandering around. Ironically, we don't see any cantina-like locations on Tatooine in the film, though the Boonta Eve Classic podrace scene provides us a decent alternative. All of the greatest podracers in the Outer Rim gathered together with their own idiosyncratic vehicles, including Anakin's cruel arch-rival Sebulba, the four-armed Gasgano, and the legend himself Ben Quadrinaros. Pit droids wander around providing some visual comedy. We see Jabba and Gardulla presiding over the event, with live race commentary provided in both Basic and Huttese by the hammy two-headed Fodesinbeed Annodue, a.k.a. Fode and Beed. Anakin's slave friends, including the young Rhodian played by Warwick Davis, also appear to cheer him on. However, considering that the rest of the film shoves so many CGI alien mugs in our faces all the way through, it doesn't have quite as much impact. 6/10.
In Episode II, we get the Outlander Club on Coruscant during Obi-Wan and Anakin's citywide chase for the bounty hunter Zam Wessell. As an avid clubber myself (not so much now, thanks COVID), I naturally like this scene and it's also cool to see the night life on a civilised Core World for once. On the downside, we don't get a good look at many quirky alien characters, but the one who does make an impression is no less than excellent: the deathstick dealer Elan Sleazebaggio. I wonder if he did go home and rethink his life? The scene also started the fan theory that Obi-Wan might be an alcoholic, seeing as he eagerly heads straight to the bar for some shots like the absolute legend he is. The "Jedi causes commotion with lightsaber, everyone looks then just carries on as normal" beat is given a tribute too. Moreover, the Outlander Club is used in an awesome fan film called Hell's Club which mashes together various iconic club scenes from other movies -- Ewan McGregor's Obi-Wan encounters Ewan McGregor's Renton from Trainspotting while Tony Manero from Saturday Night Fever leers at Anakin a little too long (also the madness makes Carlito's death no less sad, RIP). 8/10.
Episode III, there isn't one, skip.
Being a soft remake of Episode IV, Episode VII gives us a straightforward cantina scene with Maz Kanata's Castle on Takodana. Takodana might be one of my favourite locations in the whole saga. On paper it's an unremarkable forest planet but there's something... tangible about it. The fact that it was filmed in a real forest and a real set for the castle rather than a greenscreen backdrop definitely helps. Beyond Kanata herself, we see glimpses of some interesting looking characters, including: Grummgar the hulking big game hunter; Bazine Netal the enigmatic First Order spy who rats on BB-8; and most memorable of all, Sidon Ithano a.k.a. The Crimson Corsair, the red-garbed mercenary who Finn offers to join up with. Among the flags adorning the castle, you can also see the emblem of the real life charity organisation, the 501st Legion. Nice touch. Will we ever find out how the Skywalker lightsaber got there though? 9/10.
Episode VIII gives us the controversial Canto Bight on planet Cantonica. I'm very much pro-Canto Bight, it's a perfect 'anti-Mos Eisley'. Rather than a usual wretched hive of destitute criminals, Cantonica is a luxury casino resort filled with the disgusting, decadent elite of the galaxy. Crooks of a different breed. The aesthetic is great, it's all white and clean but filled with some truly repulsive-looking aliens squeezed into tight tuxedos and dresses. Like Finn, it's easy to get lost in the glitz and glamour until you see what it's all built on, then you can cheer when the Fathiers tear it all down. As bad as it all is, a part of me still finds Canto Bight appealing -- I wouldn't mind getting suited and booted and playing a bit of roulette (or the Star Wars verse equivalent of it, idfk) with some fuckin' weird aliens. Speaking of, let's get to some. We've got: Countess Alissyndrex delga Cantonica Provincion, the ruler of the town who can only be described as a purple slab of meat with a human face; Lexo Sooger the long-armed masseur; Slowen Lo the busybody Abendedo who almost destroys the Resistance because Finn and Rose parked on a beach; the Cthulhu-esque Palandag jazz band, somehow weirder than the Modal Nodes from Mos Eisley; Dobbu Scay the diminutive monocled alien who drunkenly mistakes BB-8 for a slot machine, also played by Mark Hamill; Justin Theroux and doll-faced model Lily Cole cameoing as the suave "Master Codebreaker" and his square-haired partner respectively; and of course, Benicio del Toro's "DJ" imprisoned down in the cells. Below the casino itself, we see the abusive slavery practices on both animals and children, with the boy Temiri Blagg revealing himself as Force-sensitive in the ending shot of the film after being inspired by the legend of Luke Skywalker. Whether or not you like its role in the story, it's a damn good alien cantina, 10/10.
Finally, we get to Episode IX. It's easy to miss because of how insanely fast-paced the film is, but yeah, there is a cantina scene on Kijimi, in the Spice Runner Den. I always wondered if this planet is a reference to Hideo Kojima, makes sense considering he and J.J. Abrams are friends, though apparently it's also a reference to some Japanese synthesizer brand. It's nothing to write home about. I mean, yeah, we're introduced to Zorii Bliss and Babu Frik, the best character in the entire trilogy, but what else is there? Oh yeah, a cameo from John freakin' Williams as the bartender Oma Tres. But yeah, apart from that, it's bland and forgettable, there are some aliens dotted around but none of them are focused on particularly. 3/10.
And there you have it. I felt weird about ranking Mos Eisley itself with its own imitators when it originated the whole trope, so I leave that one to you guys. Which is your favourite?

TL;DR: Man with too much time on his hands goes deep down the rabbit hole on a concept this sub already didn’t seem that enthusiastic about. If you really want to skip ahead, CTRL+F “verdict” and it’ll get you there.
Two days ago, u/MrPhillyj2wns made a post asking whether USL should launch a D1 league in order to compete in Concacaf. From the top voted replies, it appears this made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.
But I’ve been at home for eight weeks and I am terribly, terribly bored.
So, I present to you this overview of what the USL pyramid might look like if Jake Edwards got a head of steam and attempted to establish a USSF-sanctioned first division. This is by no means an endorsement of such a proposal or even a suggestion that USL SHOULD do such a thing. It is merely an examination of whether they COULD.
Welcome to the Thunderdome USL Premiership
First, there are some base-level assumptions we must make in this exercise, because it makes me feel more scientific and not like a guy who wrote this on Sunday while watching the Belarusian Premier League (Go BATE Borisov!).

1. All D1 teams must comply with known USSF requirements for D1 leagues (more on that later).
   
2. MLS, not liking this move, will immediately remove all directly-owned affiliate clubs from the USL structure (this does not include hybrid ownerships, like San Antonio FC – NYCFC). This removes all MLS2 teams but will not affect Colorado Springs, Reno, RGVFC and San Antonio.
   
3. The USL will attempt to maintain both the USL Championship and USL League One, with an eventual mind toward creating the pro/rel paradise that is promised in Relegations 3:16.
   
4. All of my research regarding facility size and ownership net worth is correct – this is probably the biggest leap of faith we have to make, since googling “NAME net worth” and “CITY richest people” doesn’t seem guaranteed to return accurate results.
   
5. The most a club can increase its available seating capacity to meet D1 requirements in a current stadium is no more than 1,500 seats (10% of the required 15,000). If they need to add more, they’ll need a new facility.
   
6. Let’s pretend that people are VERY willing to sell. It’s commonly acknowledged that the USL is a more financially feasible route to owning a soccer club than in MLS (c.f. MLS-Charlotte’s reported $325 million expansion fee) and the USSF has some very strict requirements for D1 sanctioning. It becomes pretty apparent when googling a lot of team’s owners that this requirement isn’t met, so let’s assume everyone that can’t sells to people who meet the requirements.
   

(Known) USSF D1 league requirements:
- League must have 12 teams to apply and 14 teams by year three
- Majority owner must have a net worth of $40 million, and the ownership group must have a total net worth of $70 million. The value of an owned stadium is not considered when calculating this value.
- Must have teams located in the Eastern, Central and Pacific time zones
- 75% of league’s teams must be based in markets with at a metro population of at least 1 million people.
- All league stadiums must have a capacity of at least 15,000
The ideal club candidate for the USL Premiership will meet the population and capacity requirements in its current ground, which will have a grass playing surface. Of the USL Championship’s 27 independent/hybrid affiliate clubs, I did not find one club that meets all these criteria as they currently stand.
Regarding turf fields, the USSF does not have a formal policy regarding the ideal playing surface but it is generally acknowledged that grass is superior to turf. 6 of 26 MLS stadiums utilize turf, or roughly 23% of stadiums. We’ll hold a similar restriction for our top flight, so 2-3 of our top flight clubs can have turf fields. Seem fair?
Capacity is going to be the biggest issue, since the disparity between current requirements for the second-tier (5,000) and the first tier (15,000) is a pretty massive gap. Nice club you have there, triple your capacity and you’re onto something. As a result, I have taken the liberty of relocating certain (read: nearly all) clubs to new grounds, trying my utmost to keep those clubs in their current markets and –importantly--, ensure they play on grass surfaces.
So, let’s do a case-by-case evaluation and see if we can put together 12-14 teams that meet the potential requirements, because what else do you have to do?
For each club’s breakdown, anything that represents a chance from what is currently true will be underlined.
Candidate: Birmingham Legion FC
Location (Metro population): Birmingham, Ala. (1,151,801)
Time zone: Central
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): Legion Field (FieldTurf, 71,594)
Potential owner: Stephens Family (reported net worth $4 billion)
Notes: Birmingham has a pretty strong candidacy. Having ditched the 5,000-seater BBVA Field for Legion Field, which sits 2.4 miles away, they’ve tapped into the city’s soccer history. Legion Field hosted portions of both the men’s and women’s tournaments at the 1996 Olympics, including a 3-1 U.S. loss to Argentina that saw 83,183 pack the house. The Harbert family seemed like strong ownership contenders, but since the death of matriarch Marguerite Harbert in 2015, it’s unclear where the wealth in the family is concentrated, so the Stephens seem like a better candidate. The only real knock that I can think of is that we really want to avoid having clubs play on turf, so I’d say they’re on the bubble of our platonic ideal USL Prem.
Candidate: Charleston Battery
Location (Metro population): Charleston, S.C. (713,000)
Time zone: Eastern
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): Johnson Hagood Stadium (Grass, ~14,700)
Potential owner: Anita Zucker (reported net worth $3 billion)
Notes: Charleston’s candidacy isn’t looking great. Already disadvantaged due to its undersized metro population, a move across the Cooper River to Johnson Hagood Stadium is cutting it close in terms of capacity. The stadium, home to The Citadel’s football team, used to seat 21,000, before 9,300 seats on the eastern grandstand were torn down in 2017 to deal with lead paint that had been used in their construction. Renovation plans include adding 3,000 seats back in, which could hit 15,000 if they bumped it to 3,300, but throw in a required sale by HCFC, LLC (led by content-creation platform founder Rob Salvatore) to chemical magnate Anita Zucker, and you’ll see there’s a lot of ifs and ands in this proposal.
Candidate: Charlotte Independence
Location (Metro population): Charlotte, N.C. (2,569, 213)
Time zone: Eastern
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): Jerry Richardson Stadium (Turf, 15,314)
Potential owner: James Goodnight (reported net worth $9.1 billion)
Notes: Charlotte ticks a lot of the boxes. A move from the Sportsplex at Matthews to UNC-Charlotte’s Jerry Richardson stadium meets capacity requirements, but puts them on to the dreaded turf. Regrettably, nearby American Legion Memorial Stadium only seats 10,500, despite a grass playing surface. With a sizeable metro population (sixth-largest in the USL Championship) and a possible owner in software billionaire James Goodnight, you’ve got some options here. The biggest problem likely lies in direct competition for market share against a much better-funded MLS Charlotte side due to join the league in 2021.
Candidate: Hartford Athletic
Location (Metro population): Hartford, Conn. (1,214,295)
Time zone: Eastern
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): Pratt & Whitney Stadium (Grass, 38,066)
Potential owner: Ray Dalio (reported net worth $18.4 billion)
Notes: Okay, I cheated a bit here, having to relocate Hartford to Pratt & Whitney Stadium, which is technically in East Hartford, Conn. I don’t know enough about the area to know if there’s some kind of massive beef between the two cities, but the club has history there, having played seven games in 2019 while Dillon Stadium underwent renovations. If the group of local businessmen that currently own the club manage to attract Dalio to the table, we’re on to something.
Candidate: Indy Eleven
Location (Metro population): Indianapolis, Ind. (2,048,703)
Time zone: Eastern
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): Lucas Oil Stadium (Turf, 62,421)
Potential owner: Jim Irsay (reported net worth of $3 billion)
Notes: Indy Eleven are a club that are SO CLOSE to being an ideal candidate – if it weren’t for Lucas Oil Stadium’s turf playing surface. Still, there’s a lot to like in this bid. I’m not going to lie, I have no idea what current owner and founder Ersal Ozdemir is worth, but it seems like there might be cause for concern. A sale to Irsay, who also owns the NFL Indianapolis (nee Baltimore) Colts, seems likely to keep the franchise there, rather than make a half-mile move to 14,230 capacity Victory Field where the AAA Indianapolis Indians play and expand from there.
Candidate: Louisville City FC
Location (Metro population): Louisville, Ky. (1,297,310)
Time zone: Eastern
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): Lynn Family Stadium (Grass, 14,000, possibly expandable to 20,000)
Potential owner: Wayne Hughes (reported net worth $2.8 billion)
Notes: I’m stretching things a bit here. Lynn Family stadium is currently listed as having 11,700 capacity that’s expandable to 14,000, but they’ve said that the ground could hold as many as 20,000 with additional construction, which might be enough to grant them a temporary waiver from USSF. If the stadium is a no-go, then there’s always Cardinal Stadium, home to the University of Louisville’s football team, which seats 65,000 but is turf. Either way, it seems like a sale to someone like Public Storage founder Wayne Hughes will be necessary to ensure the club has enough capital.
Candidate: Memphis 901 FC
Location (Metro population): Memphis, Tenn. (1,348,260)
Time zone: Central
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): Liberty Bowl Stadium (Turf, 58,325)
Potential owner: Fred Smith (reported net worth $3 billion)
Notes: Unfortunately for Memphis, AutoZone Park’s 10,000 seats won’t cut it at the D1 level. With its urban location, it would likely prove tough to renovate, as well. Liberty Bowl Stadium more than meets the need, but will involve the use of the dreaded turf. As far as an owner goes, FedEx founder Fred Smith seems like a good local option.
Candidate: Miami FC, “The”
Location (Metro population): Miami, Fla. (6,158,824)
Time zone: Eastern
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): Riccardo Silva Stadium (FieldTurf, 20,000)
Potential owner: Riccardo Silva (reported net worth $1 billion)
Notes: Well, well, well, Silva might get his wish for top-flight soccer, after all. He’s got the money, he’s got the metro, and his ground has the capacity. There is the nagging issue of the turf, though. Hard Rock Stadium might present a solution, including a capacity of 64,767 and a grass playing surface. It is worth noting, however, that this is the first profile where I didn’t have to find a new potential owner for a club.
Candidate: North Carolina FC
Location (Metro population): Durham, N.C. (1,214,516 in The Triangle)
Time zone: Eastern
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): Carter-Finley Stadium (Grass/Turf, 57,583)
Potential owner: Steve Malik (precise net worth unknown) / Dennis Gillings (reported net worth of $1.7 billion)
Notes: We have our first “relocation” in North Carolina FC, who were forced to trade Cary’s 10,000-seat WakeMed Soccer Park for Carter-Finley Stadium in Durham, home of the NC State Wolfpack and 57,583 of their closest friends. The move is a whopping 3.1 miles, thanks to the close-knit hub that exists between Cary, Durham and Raleigh. Carter-Finley might be my favorite of the stadium moves in this exercise. The field is grass, but the sidelines are artificial turf. Weird, right? Either way, it was good enough for Juventus to play a friendly against Chivas de Guadalajara there in 2011. Maybe the move would be pushed for by new owner and medical magnate Dennis Gillings, whose British roots might inspire him to get involved in the Beautiful Game. Straight up, though, I couldn’t find a net worth for current owner Steve Malik, though he did sell his company MedFusion for $91 million in 2010, then bought it back for an undisclosed amount and sold it again for $43 million last November. I don’t know if Malik has the juice to meet D1 requirements, but I suspect he’s close.
Candidate: Pittsburgh Riverhounds SC
Location (Metro population): Pittsburgh, Penn. (2,362,453)
Time zone: Eastern
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): Heinz Field (Grass, 64,450)
Potential owner: Henry Hillman (reported net worth $2.5 billion)
Notes: I don’t know a ton about the Riverhounds, but this move in particular feels like depriving a pretty blue-collar club from its roots. Highmark Stadium is a no-go from a seating perspective, but the Steelers’ home stadium at Heinz Field would more than meet the requirements and have a grass surface that was large enough to be sanctioned for a FIFA friendly between the U.S. WNT and Costa Rica in 2015. As for an owner, Tuffy Shallenberger (first ballot owner name HOF) doesn’t seem to fit the USSF bill, but legendary Pittsburgh industrialist Henry Hillman might. I’m sure you’re asking, why not the Rooney Family, if they’ll play at Heinz Field? I’ll tell you: I honestly can’t seem to pin down a value for the family. The Steelers are valued at a little over a billion and rumors persist that Dan Rooney is worth $500 million, but I’m not sure. I guess the Rooneys would work too, but it’s a definite departure from an owner in Shallenberger who was described by one journalist as a guy who “wears boots, jeans, a sweater and a trucker hat.”
Candidate: Saint Louis FC
Location (Metro population): St. Louis, Mo. (2,807,338)
Time zone: Central
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): Busch Stadium (Grass, 45,494)
Potential owner: William DeWitt Jr. (reported net worth $4 billion)
Notes: Saint Louis has some weirdness in making the jump to D1. Current CEO Jim Kavanaugh is an owner of the MLS side that will begin play in 2022. The club’s current ground at West Community Stadium isn’t big enough, but perhaps a timely sale to Cardinals owner William DeWitt Jr. could see the club playing games at Busch Stadium, which has a well established history of hosting other sports like hockey, college football and soccer (most recently a U.S. WNT friendly against New Zealand in 2019). The competition with another MLS franchise wouldn’t be ideal, like Charlotte, but with a big enough population and cross marketing from the Cardinals, maybe there’s a winner here. Wacko idea: If Busch doesn’t pan out, send them to The Dome. Sure, it’s a 60k turf closed-in stadium, but we can go for that retro NASL feel and pay homage to our nation’s soccer history.
Candidate: Tampa Bay Rowdies
Location (Metro population): Tampa, Fla. (3,068,511)
Time zone: Eastern
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): Raymond James Stadium (Grass, 65,518)
Potential owner: Edward DeBartolo Jr. (reported net worth $3 billion)
Notes: This one makes me sad. Despite having never been there, I see Al Lang Stadium as an iconic part of the Rowdies experience. Current owner Bill Edwards proposed an expansion to 18,000 seats in 2016, but the move seems to have stalled out. Frustrated with the city’s lack of action, Edwards sells to one-time San Francisco 49ers owner Edward DeBartolo Jr., who uses his old NFL connections to secure a cushy lease at the home of the Buccaneers in Ray Jay, the site of a 3-1 thrashing of Antigua and Barbuda during the United States’ 2014 World Cup Qualifying campaign.
Breather. Hey, we finished the Eastern Conference teams. Why are you still reading this? Why am I still writing it? Time is a meaningless construct in 2020 my friends, we are adrift in the void, fueled only by brief flashes of what once was and what may yet still be.
Candidate: Austin Bold FC
Location (Metro population): Austin, Texas (2,168,316)
Time zone: Central
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): Darrel K Royal – Texas Memorial Stadium (FieldTurf, 95,594)
Potential owner: Michael Dell (reported net worth of $32.3 billion)
Notes: Anthony Precourt’s Austin FC has some unexpected competition and it comes in the form of tech magnate Michael Dell. Dell, were he to buy the club, would be one of the richest owners on our list and could flash his cash in the new first division. Would he have enough to convince Darrel K Royal – Texas Memorial Stadium (I’m not kidding, that’s its actual name) to go back to a grass surface, like it did from ’96-’08? That’s between Dell and nearly 100,000 UT football fans, but everything can be had for the right price.
Candidate: Colorado Springs Switchbacks FC
Location (Metro population): Colorado Springs, Colo. (738,939)
Time zone: Mountain
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): Falcon Stadium (FieldTurf, 46,692)
Potential owner: Charles Ergen (reported net worth $10.8 billion)
Notes: Welcome to Colorado Springs. We have hurdles. For the first time in 12 candidates, we’re back below the desired 1 million metro population mark. Colorado Springs actually plans to build a $35 million, 8,000 seat venue downtown that will be perfect for soccer, but in our timeline that’s 7,000 seats short. Enter Falcon Stadium, home of the Air Force Academy Falcons football team. Seems perfect except for the turf, right? Well, the tricky thing is that Falcon Stadium is technically on an active military base and is (I believe) government property. Challenges to getting in and out of the ground aside, the military tends to have a pretty grim view of government property being used by for-profit enterprises. Maybe Charles Ergen, founder and chairman of Dish Network, would be able to grease the right wheels, but you can go ahead and throw this into the “doubtful” category. It’s a shame, too. 6,035 feet of elevation is one hell of a home-field advantage.
Candidate: El Paso Locomotive FC
Location: El Paso, Texas
Time zone: Mountain
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): Sun Bowl (FieldTurf, 51,500)
Potential owner: Paul Foster (reported net worth $1.7 billion)
Notes: God bless Texas. When compiling this list, I found so many of the theoretical stadium replacements were nearly serviceable by high school football fields. That’s insane, right? Anyway, Locomotive don’t have to settle for one of those, they’ve got the Sun Bowl, which had its capacity reduced in 2001 to a paltry 51,500 (from 52,000) specifically to accommodate soccer. Sure, it’s a turf surface, but what does new owner Paul Foster (who is only the 1,477th wealthiest man in the world, per Forbes) care, he’s got a team in a top league. Side note: Did you know that the Sun Bowl college football game is officially, through sponsorship, the Tony the Tiger Sun Bowl? Why is it not the Frosted Flakes Sun Bowl? Why is the cereal mascot the promotional name of the football game? What are you doing, Kellogg’s?
Candidate: Las Vegas Lights FC
Location: Las Vegas, Nev. (2,227,053)
Time zone: Pacific
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): Allegiant Stadium (Grass, 61,000)
Potential owner: Sheldon Adelson (reported net worth $37.7 billion)
Notes: Sin City. You had to know that the club that once signed Freddy Adu because “why not” was going to go all out in our flashy hypothetical proposal. Thanks to my narrative control of this whole thing, they have. Adelson is the second-richest owner in the league and has decided to do everything first class. That includes using the new Raiders stadium in nearby unincorporated Paradise, Nevada, and spending boatloads on high profile transfers. Zlatan is coming back to the U.S., confirmed.
Candidate: New Mexico United
Location: Albuquerque, N.M.
Time zone: Mountain
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): Isotopes Park – officially Rio Grande Credit Union Field at Isotopes Park (Grass, 13,500 – 15,000 with expansion)
Potential owner: Maloof Family (reported net worth $1 billion)
Notes: New Mexico from its inception went deep on the community vibe, and I’ve tried to replicate that in this bid. The home field of Rio Grande Cr---I’m not typing out the whole thing—Isotopes Park falls just within the expansion rules we set to make it to 15,000 (weird, right?) and they’ve found a great local ownership group in the Lebanese-American Maloof (formerly Maalouf) family from Las Vegas. The only thing to worry about would be the metro population, but overall, this could be one of the gems of USL Prem.
Candidate: Oklahoma City Energy FC
Location: Oklahoma City, Okla. (1,396,445)
Time zone: Central
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): Chickasaw Bricktown Ballpark (Grass, 13,066)
Potential owner: Harold Hamm (reported net worth $14.2 billion)
Notes: There’s a bright golden haze on the meadow and it says it’s time to change stadiums and owners to make it to D1. A sale to oil magnate Harold Hamm would give the club the finances it needs, but Chickasaw Bricktown Ballpark (home of the OKC Dodgers) actually falls outside of the boundary of what would meet capacity if 1,500 seats were added. Could the club pull off a move to Gaylord Family Oklahoma Memorial Stadium in Norman, Oklahoma – home of the Oklahoma Sooners? Maybe, but at 20 miles, this would be a reach.
Candidate: Orange County SC
Location: Irvine, Calif. (3,176, 000 in Orange County)
Time zone: Pacific
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): Angels Stadium of Anaheim (Grass, 43,250)
Potential owner: Arte Moreno (reported net worth $3.3 billion)
Notes: You’ll never convince me that Rangers didn’t choose to partner with Orange County based primarily on its name. Either way, a sale to MLB Angels owner Arte Moreno produces a fruitful partnership, with the owner choosing to play his newest club out of the existing Angels stadium in OC. Another baseball conversion, sure, but with a metro population of over 3 million and the closest thing this hypothetical league has to an LA market, who’s complaining?
Candidate: Phoenix Rising FC
Location: Phoenix, Ariz. (4,857,962)
Time zone: Arizona
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): State Farm Stadium (Grass, 63,400)
Potential owner: Ernest Garcia II (reported net worth $5.7 billion)
Notes: We’re keeping it local with new owner and used car guru Ernest Garcia II. His dad owned a liquor store and he dropped out of college, which is making me feel amazing about my life choices right now. Casino Arizona Field is great, but State Farm Stadium is a grass surface that hosted the 2019 Gold Cup semifinal, so it’s a clear winner. Throw in Phoenix’s massive metro population and this one looks like a lock.
Candidate: Reno 1868 FC
Location: Reno, Nev. (425,417)
Time zone: Pacific
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): Mackay Stadium (FieldTurf, 30,000)
Potential owner: Nancy Walton Laurie (reported net worth $7.1 billion)
Notes: The Biggest Little City on Earth has some serious barriers to overcome, thanks to its low metro population. A sale to Walmart heiress Nancy Walton Laurie and 1.6 mile-move to Mackay Stadium to split space with the University of Nevada, Reno makes this bid competitive, but the turf surface is another knock against it.
Candidate: Rio Grande Valley FC
Location: Edinburg, Texas (900,304)
Time zone: Central
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): McAllen Memorial Stadium (FieldTurf, 13,500 – 15,000 with expansion)
Potential owner: Alice Louise Walton (reported net worth $45 billion)
Notes: Yes, I have a second straight Walmart heiress on the list. She was the first thing that popped up when I googled “McAllen Texas richest people.” The family rivalry has spurred Walton to buy a club as well, moving them 10 miles to McAllen Memorial Stadium which, as I alluded to earlier, is a straight up high school football stadium with a full color scoreboard. Toss in an additional 1,500 seats and you’ve met the minimum, despite the turf playing surface.
Candidate: San Antonio FC
Location: San Antonio, Texas (2,550,960)
Time zone: Central
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): Alamodome (FieldTurf, 64,000)
Potential owner: Red McCombs (reported net worth $1.6 billion)
Notes: I wanted to keep SAFC in the Spurs family, since the franchise is valued at $1.8 billion. That said, I didn’t let the Rooneys own the Riverhounds based on the Steelers’ value and it felt wrong to change the rules, so bring on Clear Channel co-founder Red McCombs. Toyota Field isn’t viable in the first division, but for the Alamodome, which was built in 1993 in hopes of attracting an NFL franchise (and never did), San Antonio can finally claim having *a* national football league team in its town (contingent on your definition of football). Now if only we could do something about that turf…
Candidate: San Diego Loyal SC
Location: San Diego, Calif. (3,317,749)
Time zone: Pacific
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): SDCCU Stadium (formerly Qualcomm) (Grass, 70,561)
Potential owner: Phil Mickelson (reported net worth $91 million)
Notes: Yes, golf’s Phil Mickelson. The existing ownership group didn’t seem to have the wherewithal to meet requirements, and Phil seemed to slot right in. As an athlete himself, he might be interesting in the new challenges of a top flight soccer team. Toss in a move to the former home of the chargers and you might have a basis for tremendous community support.
Candidate: FC Tulsa
Location: Tulsa, Okla. (991,561)
Time zone: Central
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): Skelly Field at H.A. Chapman Stadium (FieldTurf, 30,000)
Potential owner: George Kaiser ($10 billion)
Notes: I’m a fan of FC Tulsa’s rebrand, but if they want to make the first division, more changes are necessary. A sale to Tulsa native and one of the 100 richest men in the world George Kaiser means that funding is guaranteed. A move to Chapman Stadium would provide the necessary seats, despite the turf field. While the undersize population might be an issue at first glance, it’s hard to imagine U.S. Soccer not granting a waiver over a less than a 10k miss from the mark.
And that’s it! You made it. Those are all of the independent/hybrid affiliates in the USL Championship, which means that it’s time for our…
VERDICT: As an expert who has studied this issue for almost an entire day now, I am prepared to pronounce which USL Championships could be most ‘ready” for a jump to the USL Prem. A reminder that of the 27 clubs surveyed, 0 of them met our ideal criteria (proper ownership $, metro population, 15,000+ stadium with grass field).
Two of them, however, met almost all of those criteria: Indy Eleven and Miami FC. Those two clubs may use up two of our three available turf fields right from the outset, but the other factors they hit (particularly Silva’s ownership of Miami) makes them difficult, if not impossible to ignore for the top flight.
But who fill in the rest of the slots? Meet the entire 14-team USL Premier League:
Hartford Athletic
Indy Eleven
Louisville City FC
Miami FC
North Carolina FC
Pittsburgh Riverhounds SC
Tampa Bay Rowdies
Saint Louis FC
San Antonio FC
New Mexico United
Phoenix Rising FC
Las Vegas Lights FC
Orange County SC
San Diego Loyal SC
Now, I shall provide my expert rationale for each club’s inclusion/exclusion, which can be roughly broken down into four categories.
Firm “yes”
Hartford Athletic: It’s a good market size with a solid stadium. With a decent investor and good community support, you’ve got potential here.
Indy Eleven: The turf at Lucas Oil Stadium is no reason to turn down a 62,421 venue and a metro population of over 2 million.
Louisville City FC: Why doesn’t the 2017 & 2018 USL Cup champion deserve a crack at the top flight? They have the market size, and with a bit of expansion have the stadium at their own SSS. LCFC, you’re in.
Miami FC, “The”: Our other blue-chip recruit on the basis of ownership value, market size and stadium capacity. Yes, that field is turf, but how could you snub Silva’s chance to claim victory as the first division 1 club soccer team to play in Miami?
Pittsburgh Riverhounds SC: Pittsburgh sacrificed a lot to be here (according to my arbitrary calculations). Their market size and the potential boon of soccer at Heinz Field is an important inclusion to the league.
Saint Louis FC: Willie hears your “Busch League” jokes, Willie don’t care. A huge market size, combined with the absence of an NFL franchise creates opportunity. Competition with the MLS side, sure, but St. Louis has serious soccer history and we’re willing to bet it can support two clubs.
Tampa Bay Rowdies: With a huge population and a massive stadium waiting nearby, Tampa Bay seems like too good of an opportunity to pass up for the USL Prem.
Las Vegas Lights FC: Ostentatious, massive and well-financed, Las Vegas Lights FC is everything that the USL Premier League would need to assert that it didn’t intend to play second fiddle to MLS. Players will need to be kept on a short leash, but this is a hard market to pass up on.
Phoenix Rising FC: Huge population, big grass field available nearby and a solid history of success in recent years. No brainer.
San Diego Loyal SC: New club? Yes, massive population in a market that recently lost an absolutely huge sports presence? Also yes. This could be the USL Prem’s Seattle.
Cautious “yes”
New Mexico United: You have to take a chance on New Mexico United. The club set the league on fire with its social media presence and its weight in the community when it entered the league last season. The market may be slightly under USSF’s desired 1 million, but fervent support (and the ability to continue to use Isotopes Park) shouldn’t be discounted.
North Carolina FC: Carter-Finley’s mixed grass/turf surface is a barrier, to be sure, but the 57,000+ seats it offers (and being enough to offset other fully-turf offerings) is enough to put it in the black.
Orange County SC: It’s a top-tier club playing in a MLB stadium. I know it seems unlikely that USSF would approve something like that, but believe me when I say “it could happen.” Orange County is a massive market and California likely needs two clubs in the top flight.
San Antonio FC: Our third and only voluntary inclusion to the turf fields in the first division, we’re counting on San Antonio’s size and massive potential stadium to see it through.
Cautious “no”
Birmingham Legion FC: The town has solid soccer history and a huge potential venue, but the turf playing surface puts it on the outside looking in.
Memphis 901 FC: Like Birmingham, not much to dislike here outside of the turf playing surface at the larger playing venue.
Austin Bold FC: See the other two above.
FC Tulsa: Everything’s just a little bit off with this one. Market’s slightly too small, stadium has turf. Just not enough to put it over the top.
Firm “no”
Charleston Battery: Small metro and a small potential new stadium? It’s tough to say yes to the risk.
Charlotte Independence: A small new stadium and the possibility of having to compete with an organization that just paid over $300 million to join MLS means it’s best for this club to remain in the USL Championship.
Colorado Springs Switchbacks FC: When a club’s best chance to meet a capacity requirement is to host games at a venue controlled by the military, that doesn’t speak well to a club’s chances.
El Paso Locomotive FC: An undersized market and a turf field that meets capacity requirements is the death knell for this one.
Oklahoma City Energy FC: Having to expand a baseball field to meet requirements is a bad start. Having to potentially play 20 miles away from your main market is even worse.
Reno 1868 FC: Population nearly a half-million short of the federation’s requirements AND a turf field at the hypothetical new stadium makes impossible to say yes to this bid.
Rio Grande Valley FC: All the seat expansions in the world can’t hide the fact that McAllen Memorial Stadium is a high school stadium through and through.
Here’s who’s left in the 11-team Championship:
Birmingham Legion FC
Charleston Battery
Charlotte Independence
Memphis 901 FC
Austin Bold FC
Colorado Springs Switchbacks FC
El Paso Locomotive FC
Oklahoma City Energy FC
Reno 1868 FC
Rio Grande Valley FC
FC Tulsa
With MLS folding the six affiliates it has in USL League One, the league is a little bit thin (especially considering USSF’s requirements for 8 teams for lower level leagues), but seems definitely able to expand up to the necessary numbers with Edwards’ allusions to five new additions this year:
Chattanooga Red Wolves SC
Forward Madison FC
Greenville Triumph SC
Union Omaha
Richmond Kickers
South Georgia Tormenta
FC Tucson
Format of Assorted Leagues – This (like everything in this post) is pure conjecture on my part, but here are my thoughts on how these leagues might function in a first year while waiting for additional expansion.
USL Premier – We’ll steal from the 12-team Scottish Premiership. Each club plays the other 11 clubs 3 times, with either one or two home matches against each side. When each club has played 33 matches, the top six and bottom six separate, with every club playing an additional five matches (against each other team in its group). The top club wins the league. The bottom club is automatically relegated. The second-bottom club will enter a two-legged playoff against someone (see below) from the championship playoffs.
USL Championship -- 11 clubs is a challenge to schedule for. How about every club plays everyone else three times (either one or two home matches against each side)? Top four clubs make the playoffs, which are decided by two-legged playoffs. The winner automatically goes up. I need feedback on the second part – is it better to have the runner-up from the playoffs face the second-bottom club from the Premiership, or should the winner of the third-place match-up get the chance to face them to keep drama going in both playoff series? As for relegation, we can clearly only send down the last place club while the third division is so small.
USL League One – While the league is so small, it doesn’t seem reasonable to have the clubs play as many matches as the higher divisions. Each club could play the other six clubs four times – twice at home and twice away – for a very equitable 24-match regular season, which would help restrict costs and still provide a chance to determine a clear winner. Whoever finishes top of the table goes up.
And there you have it, a hypothetical look at how the USL could build a D1 league right now. All it would take is a new stadium for almost the entire league and new owners for all but one of the 27 clubs, who wouldn’t feel that their property would be massively devalued if they got relegated.
Well that’s our show. I’m curious to see what you think of all of this, especially anything that you think I may have overlooked (I’m sure there’s plenty). Anyway, I hope you’re all staying safe and well.

Just wanted to stop in and say that since I stopped gambling on a monthly basis , I’ve managed to pay bills , pay debt and also upgraded my life by renovating my whole place . I finally took an old place I was living in and turned it into a modern updated home which feels like the closest thing to a brand new house that I can’t afford . My credit is still bad but only bc I am carrying high credit balances . When I finally pay off all those cards , my credit will go back up . When I was gambling , I spent every last savings and then some on slots , I didn’t even have anything to show for . The full renovation costed me about 8,000 dollars which for gambling , that was one night . My mom finally said at least this money was spent on something you can use and enjoy for a long time . Around the time I wanted to upgrade my home , I had spent all of my savings away , it took about another 8 months before I was able to save up enough money to go through with this renovation and complete it . I went from living in the what feels like a 1995 home to now the 2020 home. It makes me happy to see my money go to something useful instead of 3,000 gone in less than 20 mins . Before I wasted all my salary and would be in forever debt for the next two years , I could of used that money for a down payment on a new house , but my gambling addiction had other plans for me . I would never see a dime in 2018-2019 and would be paying off debt till 2021 . If I fuck up again , that timeline will be 2022-2023. Maybe a house is not in my near future but I’ve also found ways to be happy where I’m at . Sure I don’t have 5 bedrooms and a garage and backyard , but I just renovated my two bedroom condo to be the best it could be and the condo is paid for , I just have to pay association and taxes every month . While I’m paying less money on where I live , I could save more money once my debt is cleared . This condo has everything me and my family needs and It’s newly updated to my liking . I’ve learned through renovation that you don’t necessarily need to move to a bigger and newer place , you can just change what you don’t like and fix it up . When I moved in here , the lights wasn’t working , the ac broke , garbage disposal need fixing , all the blinds is old and dusty , old carpet , old cabinets , Old burnt stove, microwave and washer broken . Every single item was changed over a period of a year . I had to wait to save enough money up to change each item . All the bathrooms , kitchen , bedroom all needed fixing and I did a lot of it during quarantine but let the professional handled the rest once I had money again . Before I wasted all my money on gambling , I could of easily paid everyone to do the job before i even moved into the place , but I only had money for the floors and that was it and then I lost all my money , so the rest of the renovation came every slowly , but today it’s finally finished except the closet . I am so very proud of all of this bc I couldn’t have done it without first stopping myself from going to the casino to gamble . I’ve found other interests in life and I focused my energy and time on that . Gambling put me in a dark place and I’m just happy I’ve decided to climb out the hole for once .

In part 1 I touched on how to change your mindset to optimize. https://www.reddit.com/leanfire/comments/if7pxw/thoughts_on_picking_the_low_hanging_fruit_of/
If you don't want to read that, it is just basically rethinking the what/where/how of your purchases to make your money go its farthest. I used the example of food since that is the most universal thing for all of us...but it applies to clothes (thrift stores, clearance racks, discount outlets, etc vs. trendy stores buying things in season), cars, housing...virtually anything else you can think of.
Part 2 is about actually making money with your frugality rather than trying to spend it the best way possible. I'm not talking about a job or even really a side hustle. I'm talking about making money from the things you need or enjoy and would be doing anyway.
Above I mentioned a few things where we can optimize...but, if done right, many of these things can be monetized. Food, for example. If you are someone that enjoys gardening, you can sell your excess produce. If you like some item that is much, much cheaper if bought in bulk, you can sell the excess at a slight profit. If you like to cook, again, you can make extra and sell off the rest for profit. When I say sell, this doesn't have to mean opening a store or a stand or anything elaborate. Just put it out there to your friends and family and see if they are interested in buying your stuff. If that is something that would make you feel awkward, there is always facebook marketplace, craigslist, etc. Nothing that needs to take a lot of time or effort on your part...and the good news is even if you don't sell anything it is something YOU like and will use anyway. Eventually. I end up buying a lot of items in bulk, and often just squirrel it away for myself if I think I'll have a hard time finding that same deal later...but if I'm pretty sure it is repeatable, I'll ask around if anyone ones to take some of it. It is a win, win. They also get something cheaper than they can find elsewhere, and I make a small profit from it.
Clothes. I have to admit, this one might be a little harder to monetize unless you are good with sewing and create something you like to wear that you can also sell for a profit. I think most people would find it easier to "flip" clothes. Again, this needs to be something you enjoy...but if you love shopping and buy stuff you'd wear anyway, you have nothing to lose. Thrift stores and clearance racks mean I spend less than $100 a year on clothes. I spend about $20 a year on socks (usually 2 for $1) and t shirts (from $1 - $3) to replace the worn out items that have become thin or full of holes...which then become cleaning rags. cue Elton John singing "The Circle of Life". I also get a cheap pair of sneakers each year that cost about $10 from Walmart to replace the old worn out pair. I also usually buy one nice pair of boots or shoes for less than $15 from clearance if I can find them. Everything else is thrifted or bought on clearance racks. The big stores at the mall will mark things down stupid low rather than send them back for a write off. I routinely find nice shirts/sweaters for between $1 - $5. Some of these are even "designer". Pants/Jeans I never spend more than $5 -$10. I will sometimes find suit jackets at these stores in my price range of $10 and under, too...although that is fairly rare these days. I get most of my Jackets from thrift stores, and really take advantage of the "bag sales" where you can stuff as much in the bag for $10 as you can. Again, don't buy anything you don't like and won't wear anyway. I then take these items to the consignment shops or boutiques that buy designer goods and see what I can get for them. If they offer a good profit I'll sell a few things. If not, there is the same facebook/craigslist option to sell off the excess...and even if nothing sells, you have clothes you like and would wear anyway.
Cars. Knowing how little I spend each year, you might expect me to be driving around in an old torn up beater. I have several cars...all are vintage European luxury cars. I buy them at the bottom of the depreciation curve (this usually happens around 15 -20 years...but not always) drive them for a few years with dirt cheap liability only insurance (I keep 3 or 4 insured at a time @ around $15 per month each) while they start to appreciate, then sell them off when the time is right and use that money to buy another car and fund repairs, licensing, etc for the others (usually with good margins left over).
Entertainment. We have a lot of Native American land around here, and they all have casinos. The closest one is only about 10 or 15 minutes from my house. Every week they have a free slot tournament, give me a $10 food credit, and give you a free play credit for the slot machines. The amount of the free play varies, but it is usually around $10 -$15 per week. I just run through the free play money and then stop and cash out whatever I've won at that point. Some months are better than others, but so far this month I haven't been real lucky and have only cashed out $28 over the 3 weeks I've gone so far. (the credit this month was $20 per week) I haven't placed in the money in any of the slot tournaments this year, but last year I was in the money twice and got a total of about $700. The food credit is usually enough to cover the buffet which has a nice salad bar, so I can really take advantage of that and get a free day of eating when I go...but of course no buffet right now for obvious reasons. So my only vegan option is a deli wrap, bag of chips, and a drink for my freebie meal. Not a full day of calories like the buffet, but you can't really complain about a free meal. Anyway, this makes for great free entertainment that even pays me a little. Other casinos in the area do similar things, but I usually don't go because most of the others are more like 30 minutes or farther away and simply just aren't as nice as the one I go to each week.
Again, this is turning into a very long post...but those are just a few examples of how you can monetize things you'd be using or doing anyway. Please share the things you enjoy that you've been able to monetize or feel free to comment on the things I've mentioned! Thanks for reading such a long post!

In part 1 I touched on how to change your mindset to optimize. https://www.reddit.com/leanfire/comments/if7pxw/thoughts_on_picking_the_low_hanging_fruit_of/
If you don't want to read that, it is just basically rethinking the what/where/how of your purchases to make your money go its farthest. I used the example of food since that is the most universal thing for all of us...but it applies to clothes (thrift stores, clearance racks, discount outlets, etc vs. trendy stores buying things in season), cars, housing...virtually anything else you can think of.
Part 2 is about actually making money with your frugality rather than trying to spend it the best way possible. I'm not talking about a job or even really a side hustle. I'm talking about making money from the things you need or enjoy and would be doing anyway.
Above I mentioned a few things where we can optimize...but, if done right, many of these things can be monetized. Food, for example. If you are someone that enjoys gardening, you can sell your excess produce. If you like some item that is much, much cheaper if bought in bulk, you can sell the excess at a slight profit. If you like to cook, again, you can make extra and sell off the rest for profit. When I say sell, this doesn't have to mean opening a store or a stand or anything elaborate. Just put it out there to your friends and family and see if they are interested in buying your stuff. If that is something that would make you feel awkward, there is always facebook marketplace, craigslist, etc. Nothing that needs to take a lot of time or effort on your part...and the good news is even if you don't sell anything it is something YOU like and will use anyway. Eventually. I end up buying a lot of items in bulk, and often just squirrel it away for myself if I think I'll have a hard time finding that same deal later...but if I'm pretty sure it is repeatable, I'll ask around if anyone ones to take some of it. It is a win, win. They also get something cheaper than they can find elsewhere, and I make a small profit from it.
Clothes. I have to admit, this one might be a little harder to monetize unless you are good with sewing and create something you like to wear that you can also sell for a profit. I think most people would find it easier to "flip" clothes. Again, this needs to be something you enjoy...but if you love shopping and buy stuff you'd wear anyway, you have nothing to lose. Thrift stores and clearance racks mean I spend less than $100 a year on clothes. I spend about $20 a year on socks (usually 2 for $1) and t shirts (from $1 - $3) to replace the worn out items that have become thin or full of holes...which then become cleaning rags. cue Elton John singing "The Circle of Life". I also get a cheap pair of sneakers each year that cost about $10 from Walmart to replace the old worn out pair. I also usually buy one nice pair of boots or shoes for less than $15 from clearance if I can find them. Everything else is thrifted or bought on clearance racks. The big stores at the mall will mark things down stupid low rather than send them back for a write off. I routinely find nice shirts/sweaters for between $1 - $5. Some of these are even "designer". Pants/Jeans I never spend more than $5 -$10. I will sometimes find suit jackets at these stores in my price range of $10 and under, too...although that is fairly rare these days. I get most of my Jackets from thrift stores, and really take advantage of the "bag sales" where you can stuff as much in the bag for $10 as you can. Again, don't buy anything you don't like and won't wear anyway. I then take these items to the consignment shops or boutiques that buy designer goods and see what I can get for them. If they offer a good profit I'll sell a few things. If not, there is the same facebook/craigslist option to sell off the excess...and even if nothing sells, you have clothes you like and would wear anyway.
Cars. Knowing how little I spend each year, you might expect me to be driving around in an old torn up beater. I have several cars...all are vintage European luxury cars. I buy them at the bottom of the depreciation curve (this usually happens around 15 -20 years...but not always) drive them for a few years with dirt cheap liability only insurance (I keep 3 or 4 insured at a time @ around $15 per month each) while they start to appreciate, then sell them off when the time is right and use that money to buy another car and fund repairs, licensing, etc for the others (usually with good margins left over).
Entertainment. We have a lot of Native American land around here, and they all have casinos. The closest one is only about 10 or 15 minutes from my house. Every week they have a free slot tournament, give me a $10 food credit, and give you a free play credit for the slot machines. The amount of the free play varies, but it is usually around $10 -$15 per week. I just run through the free play money and then stop and cash out whatever I've won at that point. Some months are better than others, but so far this month I haven't been real lucky and have only cashed out $28 over the 3 weeks I've gone so far. (the credit this month was $20 per week) I haven't placed in the money in any of the slot tournaments this year, but last year I was in the money twice and got a total of about $700. The food credit is usually enough to cover the buffet which has a nice salad bar, so I can really take advantage of that and get a free day of eating when I go...but of course no buffet right now for obvious reasons. So my only vegan option is a deli wrap, bag of chips, and a drink for my freebie meal. Not a full day of calories like the buffet, but you can't really complain about a free meal. Anyway, this makes for great free entertainment that even pays me a little. Other casinos in the area do similar things, but I usually don't go because most of the others are more like 30 minutes or farther away and simply just aren't as nice as the one I go to each week.
Again, this is turning into a very long post...but those are just a few examples of how you can monetize things you'd be using or doing anyway. Please share the things you enjoy that you've been able to monetize or feel free to comment on the things I've mentioned! Thanks for reading such a long post!

Don't get me wrong, i enjoy playing V: Online (i just came back from a looong haitus) but some of the things in it piss me off. Flying bikes and cars (i use them for transportation but i would not complain at all if they just wouldn't exist), all the alien stuff, military planes that drop bombs and all this shit, weaponized vehicles with mines and shit... It's just way too PVP oriented and all this shit in it makes PVP way too easy. PVP in this game is ass, just look up some "epic PVP guide" videos it's just fucking sad. It's honestly the reason why me and my friends spend most of our time in solo public sessions. Going from a Ganster to a CEO makes sense and all the businesses aren't that bad. The entire server knowing that you're transporting cargo wouldn't be a problem if enemies had to
A. Drive a car, an Insurgent with a turret, an Armored Kuruma or something similar. Not jumping/flying cars or bikes.
B. Fly a helicopter (Buzzard Annihilator and all this shit an semi-rich gangster could realistically get their hands on, not russian stealth helicopters) or a jet
and if they had to fire normal weaponry (AR-15s, balanced guns) at you. Sure, they can use an rocket launcher, but they have to physically take it out of a car in which it had to be physically placed before they rolled out, and the homing system wouldn't lock itself in so fast.
The base design of Online is fine. Moneymaking is fine. I wouldn't have a problem with grinding my ass away if i didn't have to worry about an Opressor MK2 catching up with me 3 minutes after i leave my bunker with my supplies. All the PVP stuff and it being so goddamn easy just takes a massive shit on all of it.
My vision for VI: Online is this:

• Atleast 2 cities, both on the same island. Vice City and Liberty City, with a bunch of nature and smalltowns in between. Ideally 3 cities, VC, LC and Las Venturas. Highways connecting them, with gas stations and rest stops along the way.
• Atleast a 10-15 minute drive on a highway to get from one main city to another. Or you can book a plane ticket and take an airliner as a form of fast travel.
• Atleast 48 player lobbies. A huge map needs a lot of players for it to not feel empty.
• Players are only able to see each other on the map if they're close to each other, like in RDR2:O. When you do an supply/sell mission, only other organizations can see you and they can only see approximate radius of where you are. You an see them too.
• Vehicles and weapons based in realism, but still fun, but balanced. No flying bikes, no flying cars.
• Police AI overhaul. Cops have to physically arive at the location and they don't spawn too close to you like in V and V: Online. It's harder for them to find you. If you kill an entire unit, it takes some time for a new unit to arive, this time they have better gear. You can use this time to run/finish what you're doing/hide.
• A bunch of activities you can do with your friends and more stuff to buy. Bowling, clubbing, getting drunk, going to a casino, hunting, hitting up the shooting range, darts, golf, tennis, going to the cinema, betting on horse races, different fucking furniture we can buy for our appartments, whatever. Just give us shit to spend money on that is not only so PVP oriented. V: Online updates are filled with more weaponized vehicles than regular vehicles, and it's just disturbing.
• This one ties into singleplayer and i think that people won't like it. You'd have to take big weapons out of your Personal Vehicle. You can only carry a few weapons on yourself, like in RDR2 or Max Payne 3. PVP would immediately feel less AIDS if people couldn't just switch between a minigun, a sniper rifle with explosive rounds and a homing rocket launcher in a matter of seconds. You can only carry 1 primary (AR, Sniper Rifle, Shotgun, MG), 2 secondaries (pistols or compact SMGs), 1 melee weapon and 3 throwables on your person. The ammunition you have on yourself is limited. 180 AR rounds, 200-250 secondary ammo. More ammo is stored in your vehicle and it automatically resupplies when you enter it, so don't worry you won't spend half your playtime in Ammu-Nation. You have a 1000 rounds of AR ammo, 1500 rounds of Secondary ammo and 20 throwables of your choice, all in your Personal Vehicle. Heavy weapons (RPG, Minigun) are always stored in your vehicle. You always have to take them out of the trunk. You only have 4 rockets on yourself. You have to return the weapon into the trunk, or it will be lost and you can pick up a new one for a small fee in Ammu-nation thanks to the weapons being insured. For this to not be terrible, the animations needs to be swift. You all know what i'm talking about. An example would be pressing "USE" near an notebook. The character takes a second to start walking into the proper position, then it stays in the position for 3 seconds and only then you finally lean over and go into the notebook's interface. This has to go.
• There's probably nothing wrong with out-of-freemode stuff, like Contact Missions, Races, Heists etc. in V: Online. Sometimes NPCs feel like they're invincible (atleast on PC), but other than that it's aight.
• New healing/armor mechanics. You get combat syringes ranging from level 1 to level 4 instead of Snacks. Level 1 gives a quarter of health, level 2 gives a half, 3 gives three quarters and level 4 gives full health + a 30 seconds lasting health bonus. You can overdose if you use too many syringes too fast, this brings negative effects starting with blurry vision and ending with death. You can carry 5 of each and you can have a bunch of them in your Personal Vehicle, like 20 of each or so. You can bind quick-use on them to whatever key you want. Body armor can tank more shots. You only have one vest, the thing you change are plates (think COD: Warzone). You carry 9 plates and you have three slots for plates in the vest. 1 plate can take 4-5 AR bullets, 8 Secondary Ammo bullets. You press a key once, you put a new plate in. The animations are swift, like in COD: Warzone. You get shot while changing plates, the animations cancels itself so changing plates in cover or when it's safe is crucial. You can cancel the animation by trying to aim down your weapon's sight. You have more plates in your Personal Vehicle.
• With so much stuff in your Personal Vehicle, either explosives need to have their somehow presence reduced or basic cars need to be able to tank a rocket/sticky bomb. I have no idea how i'd balance this. Maybe you'd get cops on you the instant you'd fire a rocket. I honestly don't know.
• The UIs become more intuitive and fast, no more scrolling trough menus to eat Snacks or change body armor. You would be able to bind heals, armor etc.

So, in my opinion all this is crucial for VI: Online. Without it, it will become an Griefer vs Grinder endless deathmatch a few years after launch, like V: Online. The distance between players (just imagine the fact that people will have their properties in 2/3 different cities and each city is atleast a 10 minute drive from the other one), no easy access to super fast flying vehicles with homing rockets (the closest thing you get is a LazeHydra, and you have to go pick it up at an airport every time), the weapon changes, the health/armor changes and the police would make an good Online experience. Some people probably won't like this, but it's just how i'd want it to be. I think that the map size/player counts would be possible thanks to next-gen, and thanks to Rockstar being a talented studio with infinite funds.

One of the members here asked this question: Anyone wanna share stories of times SO’s spidey senses were tingling and you had to do damage control?
This happened many many years ago, when I was new to the "being married" life. My wife and I went to South Lake Tahoe and we were sitting together playing roulette. It was decent occupancy...all the tables were full, but not so crowded that I could not get a view of people around and about. I caught sight of a blonde stunner walking past the craps table, and she turned the corner, the casino lane took her toward our table. I was trying very hard not to stare, but this woman was simply one of the most gorgeous babes I've ever seen. Imagine Tiffany Coyne from "Let's Make A Deal" (yes, I go gaga for skinny blonde Barbies!) 🔥❤️
As she approached our table, I wondered if she was an escort. Or maybe she was already with someone and was just browsing the scene alone while her man was gambling somewhere else. She casually gazed over our table and then kept walking at a slow but steady pace. And then she passed us and was out of sight. She never made eye contact with me, so I figured she wasn't looking for company. But with my wife sitting right next to me, maybe she didn't want to waste her time with me? I couldn't think about what numbers I wanted to bet anymore, lol...I was struck with a huge dose of sexual uneasiness...my mind was wandering and I began daydreaming about her. These lingering thoughts can be so pleasurable in and of itself, and I was shifting so much in my seat that my wife asked me if I needed to use the bathroom! I said no and we continued to play.
10 minutes later, I could see the blonde again...walking the same route as she did before. I was going to get to enjoy another chance of this eye candy, and as I looked around at the others, it boggled my mind how nobody else was really looking at her. When people are deeply in their gambling and smoking and drinking, I suppose sex isn't high on the list! But being the nymph that I am, I could not resist. This time, I made a conscious effort to stare. And this time she made eye contact with me! She gave a very quick and sweet smile, and proceeded to keep walking. Again, she went out of sight.
At this point, I was 50% sure that she was a high-priced escort. But there were too many unknowns to be 100% for sure. I needed more clues. I was hoping that she would walk around a third time, so that I can stare at her again and perhaps give her some flirty or inviting gesture to indicate that I'm interested. But she never came by again.
After about 20-30 minutes, I didn't see her so I figured she left...maybe with somebody else or went to play slots or her room. Who knows. But my wife wanted to play something else so we grabbed our chips and left the roulette table. She went to play slots and I went to cash in the chips. Near the cashier's cage, there was a hallway that led to the restrooms. And at a short distance, I saw the blonde...and she was looking my way. I took my cash and proceeded toward the bathroom...staring at this beauty all the way. She and I locked eyes and she just blurted it out, "Hey I saw you looking at me." I thought she was going to be mad for staring, but before I could say sorry, she asked me if I wanted company! I was like... JACKPOT!!!!!! She asked if I had a room, and I said yes. I gave her the room number and told me to meet me on that floor near the elevator. But first, I needed to go tell my wife that I will be playing in the slot area too, and I made up some bullshit thing like don't come look for me because I believe it's bad luck if I have someone next to me when I'm playing the slots. She said ok.
I took the elevator to my floor and when the doors opened, there she was! Did I fucking die and go to heaven? She gave me this soft hug and her body felt so nice to hold. Whatever perfume she was wearing was smelling very nice! I gently squeezed the small of her back toward me...I made sure she could feel "my excitement" in her crotch area. She was wearing a tight thin dress, so I knew she felt me. I held her hand and led her to my room. When we got inside the room, she confessed that she and her husband had lost a lot of money at Harrahs, and she was very pissed off at him. And she asked me if I would be willing to help her out. Well, at least she wasn't an escort, but nothing was going to stop me now. This was a Tiffany Coyne lookalike...and I'm fucking this woman 👉👌💦come hell or high water!
I don't want to go into details, but there was no clock watching or hastiness. We took out sweet time, and I enjoyed every inch of her body. I was so built-up that I couldn't hold my cum in anymore...and ended up shooting it deep down her throat when she was sucking. But I was still hard as a rock and we kept going. We did several positions for the next 30-40 minutes.....then she got on top of me to ride me...but after about 5 minutes into that, my worst nightmare looked like it was going to happen! Someone was trying to open my hotel door!
The blonde suddenly stopped riding me...I pushed her off me and jumped toward the door to hold it closed! My wife was on the other side saying, "Hey! Why aren't you letting me in?" The blonde was hiding behind the side of the bed...naked and looking worried...and I motioned her to stay quiet. I cried to my wife, I can't let you in! She kept trying to use her electronic key to open the door and I kept pushing it closed again, and she shouted, "Why not?" I repeated, "I can't! Go back downstairs! I'll meet you there!" She replied, "No, I'm tired! I want to come in the room!"
I was literally feeling like this is the end...I'm gonna get caught...it's over. But suddenly, the words just came out, "I can't let you in...it's embarrassing" She asked, "What's so embarrassing??!!" I told her, "I pooped all over the floor" She asked in disbelief, "WHAT?!" I told her that I think something I ate or drank gave me diarrhea and I ended up shitting my pants before getting to the toilet, and I just want to clean it all up before letting her in. I glanced over at my blonde friend, who was trying her best to control her laughing. "Can you please go downstairs and wait until I'm done?" My wife laughed and said, "Okay, I'll be at the roulette table"
The blonde and I resumed our fucking...it seemed more special after that incident...I guess we bonded being partners in crime? I didn't want to risk my wife coming back up, so I told her let's finish this and fuck me in my favorite position... the reverse cowgirl. When I was about to cum, I pushed her off and splattered her face. We both laughed so hard about what had happened earlier, and soon thereafter, we kissed and parted ways. Wish I had asked for her number...ah, my one regret!
Then, to cover my tracks, I did the unthinkable. I squatted and took a shit on the carpet by the hotel door! I rubbed the shit into the fibers and onto the tile leading to the toilet. I did a half-ass job with the cleaning, so as to prove to my wife that I did have uncontrollable diarrhea. Fuck, the room smelled awful! But it had to be done. I got a $150 cleaning fee from the hotel later, but that was one expense I was more than happy to pay! My wife never did suspect anything, and to this day, I still think that this was the closest I ever came to ruining it with her.
Such are the dangers of this lifestyle 😬